Imaginary News Network : For when the real news is just too awful to contemplate

Trains online delay trains on line

ImageDelays to trains on the line are caused by the number of trains online, according to Major Granston Pritchard, the famous inheritor of the Pritchard Granston fortune.

In a prepared statement, Pritchard responded to growing annoyance at delays on the popular Great North South Track, which carries upwards of ten hundred angry commuters daily between Biggleswitch and Cundington.

In her statement, Pritchard blamed "the Bubble" for the 1,500% increase in missed points, urgent pull-outs and rear endings that were highlighted in the Government's Bitching report last month.

"Things have clearly got worse since trains were given access to the Bubble," she said. "While every train takes its vows seriously at the time, a life spent going only forwards is almost inevitably going to lead to the kind of pulchritudinous vicissitudes that the Bubble brings to young and thrusting members in our industry.

"Dirty boilers, heavy bush and the like are having a significant impact on productivity. Our recommendation is for less of this sort of thing, and possibly a state-sponsored shunt, once a month, for affected engines."

Tedrard Bokesworthy, the president of the Tracks and That Society, said: "It's high time this problem had the attention it deserves, and if giving our trains access to regulated grease is what it takes to get them out of the bush, then that is what should be done."

We wrote to Great North South Trains asking for comment, but they didn't answer the phone.

Sport >

International Swamp Locating tournament begins

ImageThis year's International Swamp Locating tournament commences tomorrow, with world champion Mikail Godwinson looking to defend his title for the 25th year running.

Godwinson has been at the top of International Swamp Locating leaderboard since he first appeared on the scene back in the early 1990s, demonstrating his ability to locate swamps without even attempting to do so. Monday's tournament won't be so simple though; not only is Godwinson much older - his knees are frail and eyesight not what it was - there's also a number of younger Swamp Locators who will be challenging hard for the title.

Under-18s UK Swamp Locating champion, Alexander Hardybulb, is hoping to be the first to break Godwinson's grip on the title : "At some point the old geezer has got to slip up, and when he does I'll be ready. I've been practising locating swamps all weekend and I reckon I have a pretty good idea what they look like now".

Science & Technology >

Scientists discover new method for arranging matter of fact

ImageScientists at Canterbridge University have discovered a new method for arranging matter of facts using atomic manipulation techniques.

Using electron microscopiscy and harnessing quantum fluctuations, researchers were able to arrange matter of facts into thin layers of individual fact atoms or 'factoms', as they are known. This breakthrough research is likely to result in large numbers of excited media types going on about 'factoms' for some time in the future, in all likelihood leading to extensive research grants for Canterbridge University.

The bias of funding on unsubstantiated grounds and the complete lack of practical application for 'factoms' will inevitably lead to the shutdown of useful research in other departments at the university, a situation that was summarised by the Head of Factom Research in a little, joyous jig.

Professor Whoreson and his controversial columnist wife Julie Whoreson will be dining out on this coverage for the next few months.

Arts & Entertainment >

Book Review: The Turn of the Shoe
Imaginary news site pulls really offensive headline
Album Review: Benny Brucebar: Live at the Smokehouse
Performance artist Michel Pappinion's new show
Gig Review : Mudpickers at The Tent

Markets >

ISE 100 - down 0.1 at 4107.5
ICU up 0.01% against the Euro
Down 1c against the PD

We occasionally potter about in the garden.

Least arsed >

Harbinger of Doom release disappointing profit forecast

ImageRetail giant Harbinger, based in the small West Cortlenish town of Doom, today released disappointing third quarter profit forecasts.

Harbinger CEO Philip Sadface released a statement to accompany the forecast, but it was just a scrawl in black crayon. Analysts at Loose, White and Gagging suggested "This kind of forecast from Harbinger is not exactly unexpected. Retail profits have been broadly murky-looking for the past few months and Cortleny in particular has been slow to recover from last year's repression".

Hidden within the figures there is brighter news however, according to people familiar with the situation. These people are called Optimists and are always cheery while making contact lenses or spectacles. Harbinger was down 2.5% at the opening, but recovered to practically horizontal by the mid-afternoon tea and biscuits.

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