Business >

Wed Apr 24, 2024 7:34 am

The FUNDAQ has risen like leavened bread, up 44 and all along in promising early morning trading.

Borrowing 15 from its parents for the weekend, the outlook is bright and cheery with not a cross word, a slight scowl but still a merry disposition overall.

Analysts at Loose, White and Gagging shared the promising outlook over social networks, declaring "FUNDAQ makes us happier than a baby with a biscuit, we're jumping up and down like amphetamine-fuelled gibbons and there's no comedown on the horizon". A large ominous dark cloud then formed to the south and a cold wind began to blow.

Up 6 and down 4, not a chance.

Mon Apr 22, 2024 9:19 am

Baker Massive Apple Turnovers Ltd revealed a massive turnover boost in their quarterly bandwagon report, which investors immediately jumped on, after a leap in sales of their famously large apple turnovers.

Massive Apple Turnovers CEO, Michael Turnover, announced the boost in a conference call to journalists along with detailed results for its subsidiaries : "Looking forward to next quarter, we're expecting a further massive turnover boost at Massive Apple Turnovers and not trifling profits in our Trifles subsidiary. However, we recommend shorting the Shortcrust Pastry division and expectations are low for Flans."

Shares in MAT Ltd were up 14 on the news by lunchtime, followed by a brief period of regret, before recovering well by tea-time with both the East Asian Diet and NY FUNDAQ registering positive hormones.

Thu Apr 18, 2024 7:39 am

The ITSY dipped below its 5 year low today after the monthly shorts forecast suggested a loosening of the long-trouser belt-tightening that has been restraining price increases since christmas.

Market watcher, Lorraine Popsworthson, said "The ITSY has always been notoriously dippy, and is often volatile when the shorts are off, but this does appear to be a trend. We're advising all our brokers, tokers and back-street jokers to keep an eye on next month's BITSY trade forecast and withdraw early if necessary to avoid infection."

ITSY shorts closed down 5, with two massive swingers.

Tue Apr 16, 2024 8:57 am

C co., manufacturers of cereals, crockery and carpets today announced record profits, but revealed a miserable tendency.

Turnover, margins and marginal turnovers were all up at the diverse Imaginary factory outlet, and shareholders welcomed the accounts with a right little knees-up. But C CEO, Philip Carson, just couldn't help getting all down about things, moaning that "it doesn't really mean anything does it? I mean, in the greater picture.. So we've made a load of money.. we've sold loads of cereals, crockery and carpets. But whats it actually mean? We're all still gonna die. I'll have a bit more stuff than most of you lot for a while, but in the end, we're all dust."

C shares rocked all day long to the beat of a distant drum, before rising sharply, sinking slowly then leveling off mid-flight.

Fri Apr 12, 2024 2:12 pm

Fast food chain Caspar has announced a 44% increase in 2nd quarter profits after a successful launch of its new 'Wine Burger' range.

The new range of alcoholic burgers has been condemned by health-campaigners, who were invited to Caspar's recent AGM and shot. Since then, the new products have helped increase turnover at the chain's restaurants by 67%, but with a corresponding 28% costs increase through having to employ more cleaners.

Shares in Caspar, which have been dead since 2006, have done the full Ronald and are likely to funellate themselves slowly in the 3rd quarter.

Wed Apr 10, 2024 7:38 am

Dap-crackers Llp, manufacturers of Imaginary pastry-based products, launched their initial IPO, ashamed on FUNDAQ, initially at 180 with 24 takers.

Prices bolted on the news, soon breaking 185 with 35 takers, while rivals J.P.Biscuits plc were down in the dumps, relatively speaking, leaking 6.

Both companies were still up on the market average due to a predicted upturn in pastry-based product demand linked to the Concatanive party's prime ministerial debates.

Tue Apr 09, 2024 11:23 am

Merger talks between multi-national T&N collapsed today, requiring a massive 160% floater to be retracted up the shoot.

Despite promising initial signs, people familiar with the negotiations indicated that the merging tank flotation is no longer progressing after interventions from corporate lawyers P.J. Sleepwear related to recently updated FANDAQ rulings.

The news will come as another major disappointment for T CEO, Bruce Vigginson, with his company now abandoning 3 merge flotations in the past 5 months, first with O Llp, then with Cuppa plc, and now with N.

Both T&N shares slumped rapidly after the announcement, before moderately rebounding.