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Breaking News: PM resigns

ImageAt a press conference held this morning in the government's best office, the Imaginary Prime Minister has shocked the world by announcing her immediate resignation.

The surprise announcement comes in the wake of newspaper allegations that the PM was involved in controversial round-handing deals in the early 1990s.

A government spokesperson said that the standard processes for transition of power will now come into force and they are not expecting any hiccups. Speaking to our reporter off the record, the ruling Concatanive party chairman, Sir Withersby Bolton-Limeson, admitted that the move "came as a bit of a shock to the old girl, but she took it gracefully enough. I think she's happy just to get some time off to watch the SuperFinal, and no doubt will be banging about doing dodgy stuff with judges at the Holy Ground by morning".

A meeting of the government's 1812 back-bench committee will take place in the new year and it is expected a new prime minister will be in place by the end of January.


Scandal rocks opening debate

ImageNewly sworn in Prime Minister Margaret Commerson was given little time to settle in to her new role, as newspaper reports suggest she was involved in controversial round-handing deals in the early 1990s.

Attending her first Prime Ministerial Questions Debate, Commerson was immediately on the backfoot when long-serving opposition member, Wilson Jimsonson-Leeson(son), raised questions about the reports. Commerson refused to answer the question directly, preferring instead to suggest that there was some surprising, unlikely object appearing behind Mr Jimsonson-Leeson(son) just out of his view, and if he were to turn round he might catch a glimpse of it. Jimsonson-Leeson(son) refused to be drawn by this tactic and persisted with his questioning, at which point Commerson handed over to Deputy PM, William Nackerson, citing urgent official business in the Foreign Office.

Newspapers have been pouring over the leaked details of 1990s deals, which suggest Commerson was paid large sums of money to provide round-handing services to senior judges while a junior minister at the treasury office.


Justice sought for massive squirrel-headed mothers

ImageEnvironmental campaign group 'Animals are People Too' will be leading a march on parliament today seeking measures to ban the use of the controversial 'Atkins Trap' by farmers, which they claim "unfairly targets large-headed pregnant female squirrels".

Farmer, Hubert Hammerson, defended his use of the trap saying "ooh ay oots daenna far bae noose don oh skirrels, tae ba sur, ayt oot dawn oon lin ta forrnae ban tae hoogis, nae" but was later arrested by the police division responsible for the enforcement of the confused regional accents bill, the repeal of which does not come into force until January.

Atkins Trap manufacturers VerminCo released a press statement highlighting "Independent scientific research commisioned by our company and using our own independent scientists" that confirms the traps are gender and head-size neutral, despite all evidence suggesting otherwise.


Breaking News: Commerson becomes Prime Minister

ImageMargaret Commerson, Member for North Bunswold, will be sworn in as the 668th Imaginary Prime Minister in a ceremony at the House of Cords later today.

Mrs. Commerson was declared the winner in a national vote of party members, with Commerson taking 68% compared to opponent Sir Herbert Double-Jamesons' 24%. A further 8% of the votes were 'spoilt' including the one submitted by Double-Jamesons himself.

Speaking at party headquarters, Mrs Commerson thanked "all those who have worked so hard for this victory. I will endeavour to serve everyone in this fine Imaginary country to the best of my ability" before rubbing her hands together and cackling maniacally. Defeated opponent Sir Double-Jamesons was too drunk to speak.

House of Cords CEO, Timmy Mansperson said "We're flattered to be hosting such an event. Its not often that a minor retail store in North Bunswold gets much attention so its great to be in the news. 50% off on all cords this weekend!".


Party party parliamentary party

ImageThe multi-nationalist and hedonistic Party party has started a parliamentary party to celebrate their first 5 years of Party partying.

The party, which is expected to last 5 years, was offically started by the Party party representative for North Partyton, Dilly Partyon, who has been giving it large since the 1980s and refuses to be beaten down by the heavy stick.

Party party spokesperson Panty Partypantson said "The Party party has proudly represented party parties for the last 5 years and we hope to continue the party Party for long to come. Sorry, i meant the Party party. Can we cut that bit out in the edit?".


Politicians tussle in Second Televised Debate

ImageSir Herbert Double-Jamesons repeatedly refused to acknowledge the presence of Mrs Commerson on the grounds that "she is a damn woman".

Once it became clear that Double-Jameson's position was unlikely to change, Mrs Commerson tried to focus the debate on the candidate's policy differences, while Sir Double-Jamesons entertained the audience with tales of a 1970s hunting trip to Armenicafria where he "bagged a rhinoceros and a couple of naughty little minxes from the nearby village".

Sir Double-Jamesons had to leave the debate early when he ran out of whiskey, allowing Mrs Commerson time to answer audience questions on her policy positions, including questions on housing policy, the upcoming Fisheries Act and the ties between the Imaginary Ministry of Defense and the weapons industry.


Parliament repeals Confused Regional Accents Bill

ImageAfter months of campaigning and hours of debate, Parliament today finally passed legislation to repeal the 1976 Confused Regional Accents Bill, which made mockery of confused regional (and rural) accents a criminal offence.

Free speech campaigners welcomed the news stating that "The 1976 bill was a stain on the whole notion of freedom of expression and we welcome its removal". Opposition MP, Bill Macmacson, who voted with the government to repeal the bill said "Oots not that we want poople to actively boogin mocking our confoosed rooginal oocents, but we recognise that perhoops the legislation had goon a bae tae foor in the past, tae ba sur."

Mockery of confused regional accents is still illegal until the 1st of January next year when the bill comes in to force.


Prime Ministerial candidates hit campaign trail

ImageBoth Sir Herbert Double-Jamesons and rival Margaret Commerson hit the campaign trail today, before heading outside and meeting voters.

The curious parliamentary ritual first began in 1854 when elder statesman Pat the Younger competed for the newly created post of Lord of the Chancellery with his younger brother Pat the Elder, and all Prime Ministerial candidates have mimicked the process since.

Once out with the voters, both candidates discussed political things with constituents and members of their regional parties, with Sir Double-Jamesons - in disguise - repeating allegations of the non-existence of his opponent. Mrs Commerson, meanwhile, was discussing the plight of ex-pat communities on the South Palantic Islands who face an excessive income tax burden due to recent changes in international tax law.

Regional party member, Clive Gibbonson, who questioned both candidates, was undecided : "Both have strong points. Mrs Commerson has a good grasp of the issues, whereas Sir Double-Jamesons gave me a free bottle of whiskey, so I'm currently unsure how I will vote".

The new Prime Minister will be decided in a silent vote of regional Concatanive party members next week.


Waxy specialist in purity drive

Image
Jemma Hortiponsonburyson, who has been studying bees for 26 years, has called for government action in response to declining levels of wax purity.

Bees have been increasingly using artificial substitutes in the formation of their wax, ranging from little bits of leaf right up to non-biodegradable plastics. Ms Hortiponsonburyson says "It is time we draw the line. I've had quite enough of these little blighters, polluting the world with their so-called products. We must wipe them out as soon as possible using a combination of neo-nicotinoids and environmental destruction".

A spokesbee, Buzz Busby, refused to speak to our Imaginary reporter.


First TV debate ruckus

ImageThe first televised debate between the two Prime Ministerial candidates resulted in a ruckus when Sir Double-Jamesons accused opponent Margaret Commerson of "not actually being there".

Sir Double-Jamesons has repeatedly refused to acknowledge that female politicians exist, quoting extensively from 19th century historian David Mullarkson's "Why Ladies Cannot Function Correctly When Asked to Provide Rational Arguments for Serious Subjects", and perpetuating the argument that having a female Prime Minister would be impossible as there would be a great disaster every February when they "have their time of the year".

Double-Jamesons also attacked Mrs. Commerson's ability 'to hold her drink', suggesting that it would be dangerous to elect a Prime Minister who was incapable of getting at least 5 times over the limit before vomiting. Mrs Commerson, meanwhile, tried to emphasise the benefits of her economic plan for the country, which includes increasing export duties on North Atlantic Cod.


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