Politics >

Parliament repeals Confused Regional Accents Bill

Fri Apr 19, 2024 8:02 am

After months of campaigning and hours of debate, Parliament today finally passed legislation to repeal the 1976 Confused Regional Accents Bill, which made mockery of confused regional (and rural) accents a criminal offence.

Free speech campaigners welcomed the news stating that "The 1976 bill was a stain on the whole notion of freedom of expression and we welcome its removal". Opposition MP, Bill Macmacson, who voted with the government to repeal the bill said "Oots not that we want poople to actively boogin mocking our confoosed rooginal oocents, but we recognise that perhoops the legislation had goon a bae tae foor in the past, tae ba sur."

Mockery of confused regional accents is still illegal until the 1st of January next year when the bill comes in to force.

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Prime Ministerial candidates hit campaign trail

Wed Apr 17, 2024 8:00 am

Both Sir Herbert Double-Jamesons and rival Margaret Commerson hit the campaign trail today, before heading outside and meeting voters.

The curious parliamentary ritual first began in 1854 when elder statesman Pat the Younger competed for the newly created post of Lord of the Chancellery with his younger brother Pat the Elder, and all Prime Ministerial candidates have mimicked the process since.

Once out with the voters, both candidates discussed political things with constituents and members of their regional parties, with Sir Double-Jamesons - in disguise - repeating allegations of the non-existence of his opponent. Mrs Commerson, meanwhile, was discussing the plight of ex-pat communities on the South Palantic Islands who face an excessive income tax burden due to recent changes in international tax law.

Regional party member, Clive Gibbonson, who questioned both candidates, was undecided : "Both have strong points. Mrs Commerson has a good grasp of the issues, whereas Sir Double-Jamesons gave me a free bottle of whiskey, so I'm currently unsure how I will vote".

The new Prime Minister will be decided in a silent vote of regional Concatanive party members next week.

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Waxy specialist in purity drive

Mon Apr 15, 2024 9:40 am

Jemma Hortiponsonburyson, who has been studying bees for 26 years, has called for government action in response to declining levels of wax purity.

Bees have been increasingly using artificial substitutes in the formation of their wax, ranging from little bits of leaf right up to non-biodegradable plastics. Ms Hortiponsonburyson says "It is time we draw the line. I've had quite enough of these little blighters, polluting the world with their so-called products. We must wipe them out as soon as possible using a combination of neo-nicotinoids and environmental destruction".

A spokesbee, Buzz Busby, refused to speak to our Imaginary reporter.

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First TV debate ruckus

Wed Apr 10, 2024 7:47 am

The first televised debate between the two Prime Ministerial candidates resulted in a ruckus when Sir Double-Jamesons accused opponent Margaret Commerson of "not actually being there".

Sir Double-Jamesons has repeatedly refused to acknowledge that female politicians exist, quoting extensively from 19th century historian David Mullarkson's "Why Ladies Cannot Function Correctly When Asked to Provide Rational Arguments for Serious Subjects", and perpetuating the argument that having a female Prime Minister would be impossible as there would be a great disaster every February when they "have their time of the year".

Double-Jamesons also attacked Mrs. Commerson's ability 'to hold her drink', suggesting that it would be dangerous to elect a Prime Minister who was incapable of getting at least 5 times over the limit before vomiting. Mrs Commerson, meanwhile, tried to emphasise the benefits of her economic plan for the country, which includes increasing export duties on North Atlantic Cod.

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Leadership battle begins

Mon Apr 08, 2024 9:01 am

The two candidates with the chance to become the next prime minister have been selected by the Concatanive party's 1812 back-bench committee.

Reading from a prepared statement, committee member Joseph Polingson said, "A number of candidates have made overtures to the committee, it was a real battle to decide between them. We're expecting a lot of fireworks and sure it will be a great campaign." before leaving the press conference giggling to himself inanely. A friend explained that unfortunately this happens a lot these days.

The two candidates selected are Margaret Commerson, Member for North Bunswold ; a staunch left-of-centre right wing idiocrat - and Sir Herbert Double-Jamesons, Member for Pidlington ; a radical 1890s throwback and registered misogynist. A silent vote will be taken from party members in two weeks time.

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Candidates throw hats into ring

Thu Apr 04, 2024 9:21 am

After the recent resignation of Prime Minister Cumberson following a series of allegations of inappropriate fuffering behaviour in the early 90s, four candidates from the ruling Concatanive party have, in a surprise development, thrown their hats into a ring.

The four candidates, in alpahabetical order, are:

• Member for North Bunswold, Margaret Commerson (Fedora)
• Member for Pidlington, Sir Herbert Double-Jamesons (Bowler)
• Member for Carmoothen South, Edgar Edgarsonsonson (Bearskin cap)
• Member for the Isles of Skoot, Barmog and the Outer Hurmerners, James McSpargonson (Pork pie)

The hats (and others contributed by excited onlookers) were collected by a disgruntled member of the House's cleaning staff, muttering to himself about the behaviour of MPs these days, and correctly identifying the actual procedure for submitting their applications for the Prime Minister's position involving the 1812 back-bench committee.

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Breaking News: PM resigns

Tue Apr 02, 2024 10:39 am

At a press conference held this morning in the government's best office, the Imaginary Prime Minister has shocked the world by announcing his immediate resignation.

The surprise announcement comes in the wake of repeated accusations of early 90's 'little bootie wearing', and the recent release of a CCTV video that appeared to show the Prime Minister 'wearing little booties' in a Shoho nightclub.

A government spokesperson said that the standard processes for transition of power will now come into force and they are not expecting any hiccups. Speaking to our reporter off the record, the ruling Concatanive party chairman, Sir Withersby Bolton-Limeson, admitted that the move "came as a bit of a shock to the old boy, but he took it gracefully enough. I think he's happy just to get some time off to go to the Test, and no doubt will be banging about doing dodgy stuff with ladies in Jillhadi by the morning".

A meeting of the government's 1812 back-bench committee will take place later in the week, and it is expected a new prime minister will be in place by the end of the month.

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