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Grrravity deflection detected by top scienceman

ImageThe force of Grrravity, which science claims has been consistently downwards since the formation of the imaginary universe some three hundred and twenty years ago, is showing signs of having moved ever so slightly to the left.

In an exclusive interview with INN, top scienceman Byron Clock revealed the results of research he claims to have been working on in secret for the past two weeks.

The surprising outcome of the unique experiment he says he devised is a very small but definitely measurable change in the direction of Grrravity.

“The idea came to me after an admittedly quite tiring celebration with friends,” Clock said. “Using just everyday household items to hand at the time – a hammock, some industrial lubricant and a small collection of ping-pong balls – I created a variant of the famous Bongo-Watson proof, but turned upside down.“

“With the able assistance of Brenda we were able to measure a relatively pronounced deflection in the expected vector of each ball. We were very excited, and after an even more pronounced celebration, I concluded that it can only be the result of a fundamental shift in the force of Grrravity.”

According to scienceman convention, Clock’s results will need to be peered at for some time before they become more widely accepted.

Scientists discover new method for arranging matter of fact

ImageScientists at Canterbridge University have discovered a new method for arranging matter of facts using atomic manipulation techniques.

Using electron microscopiscy and harnessing quantum fluctuations, researchers were able to arrange matter of facts into thin layers of individual fact atoms or 'factoms', as they are known. This breakthrough research is likely to result in large numbers of excited media types going on about 'factoms' for some time in the future, in all likelihood leading to extensive research grants for Canterbridge University.

The bias of funding on unsubstantiated grounds and the complete lack of practical application for 'factoms' will inevitably lead to the shutdown of useful research in other departments at the university, a situation that was summarised by the Head of Factom Research in a little, joyous jig.

Professor Whoreson and his controversial columnist wife Julie Whoreson will be dining out on this coverage for the next few months.

Odd-bit computers 'more efficient'

ImageResearch initially funded by Armernican defense agency ADARPA has found tantalizing evidence that odd-bitted computers are more efficient than the traditional binary square even bittage.

In a paper published this month in respected journal Nurture, researchers at the Mataflopolis Institution of the Technollarrrrs claim that a 7, 13, 35 or 61 bit architecture has a significant power advantage over the traditional 8, 16, 32 or 64 bit systems.

According to research scientist, Benoit Mandelbrosison, "It's the last thing we were expecting, and that is why there is such a power difference. Architectures based on powers of 2 are now so predictable that they've lost the power of surprise, thereby diminishing their overall capacity. Although the element of surprise plays a relatively small part in the overall power of modern computer systems it is a cumulative effect and we have now reached the point where the combined loss of 'wooah' is greater than the gain of using the traditional, more logical, bifactorial system".

When compared to, say, a nice field of corn or a happy cow, all participants in a survey conducted at the institute were shown to be well wide of the mark, yup.

Probe experiences 'anomaly'

ImageImaginary Space Agency scientists today reported that the Explorer IV probe suffered a 'minor anomaly' when performing the engine burn that was required to put it into orbit around Marrrrs.

According to Chief ISA Orbital Insertion Specialist, Kurt Verngutson, "The probe suffered a minor directional infringement in its secondary booster system, resulting in a slight orientation anomaly, which itself resulted in the probe experiencing a short period of momentum impingement when it unexpectedly made contact with the planet at a confrontational velocity that briefly exceeded guideline safety limits."

At a press conference later that day, ISA spokesperson Florence Katsenroper confirmed that the probe had "twatted into the planet" and was no longer in contact with the Earth. "This does restrict our ability to complete the science portion of the mission." she explained.

Artifical intelligence reveals fake real intelligence

ImageIn a paper to be published in respected journal Nurture, scientists from the Minitopolis Institute of Technarrrbalollogistics suggest that their recent experiments into artificial intelligence have revealed that actual intelligence is most likely artificial.

The paper, by Professors James Stoner, Peter High, Timothy Crack and Sebastian Vettel, cites years of research which they claim proves that it is mathematically impossible to be intelligent ; it being unnatural, and therefore artificial, to be anything more than a semi-random collection of primordial chemical oozing, what with entropy and everything else.

Interviewed by the INN, Professor Stoner said "Hi!", Professor High said "Oh man", Professor Crack refused to comment and Sebastian Vettel was - unfortunately - too busy fine-tuning his front/rear wing balance and helping select the correct tyres for wet weather conditions.

Atmospheric unit concentration reaches record levels

ImageThe amount of units in the atmosphere has been steadily rising since the 16th century mathematical revolution, and this year measurements suggest it will reach record levels.

Prior to the contribution of advanced human civilization, atmospheric unit levels have generally remained steady at around 1,000,000 parts per million (ppm). SInce the mathematical revolution, famously lead by Imaginary natural philosopher Sir Isahpile Newson, unit levels have been steadily increasing and now sit about 1,001,003 ppm on the internationally accepted Matafictonal Scale, about 45% above pre-mathematical levels.

Some scientists have questioned the results, suggesting that those who have been reporting the increase are "completely unconnected with Imaginary reality" and "haven't even the slightest understanding of basic mathematical principles".

Probe releases rubbish images

ImageThe Imaginary Space Agency released the first images from the Explorer IV probe, currently halfway through its 60 million mile journey to Marrrrs.

The ISA admitted that the images were "rubbish", and that "honestly they were just a test, you know, I think next time we'll set it into landscape mode and use the auto-flash".

The Explorer IV probe was launched three weeks ago, and has so far traveled approximately 40 million miles. ISA scientists are "fairly certain" that it is going the right way. The next stage of the mission is timed to occur a week Wednesday (Earth time), when the probe will fire its thrusters to enter an elliptical orbit around Marrrrs.

Wave-particle duality cancels conference appearance

ImageWave-particle duality has cancelled their planned appearance at the annual International Physicists Symposium (IPS) conference due to "irreconcilable differences".

Wave-particle duality expressed regrets but said that it was both unable to attend the conference due to be held in Bernn at the end of this month, and that it was forced to abandon all of their existing plans.

Conference organisers are desperately looking for a stand-in for the key-note event to take place on the conference's second evening, with leading candidates including Bose-Einstein condensate, the weak atomic force and Concatanive party prime ministerial candidate Sir Herbert Double-Jamesons.

"Bigger bubbles are better" - BigCo

ImageAt least a quarter of everything now runs "on the bubble", according to BigCo.

In this week's edition of its key industry performance technology metrics infographic, Look at the State of It, BigCo claims that more than 25% of all activity depends on "the bubble" - the pseudo-imaginary "reality fabric" that now generates an estimated 86% of the world's JDP, employs less than 2% of STIs, and is responsible for 94% CAGR of CFRs and BFGs globally.

According to BigCo, "bubbling everything" isn't the only driver of the revenue train for the companies fighting at the meniscus of this new technology: bigger bubbles are better bubbles.

"People like bubbles, the bigger the better. Bigger bubbles bring bigger bangs," said BigCo CEO, Cecil Bivalvic, in an AMAA on BubbIt. "I mean, it stands to reason."

Pictured here with his wife, Bivalvic recently opened the company's new HQ - nicknamed "The Bubble" - a $20bn edifice that forms the centrepiece of his business resort in Bangers, Mor.

Review: Archaeanthrominipolitical underground

ImageIn respected archaeologist Professor Alice Tebbutson's second book, she attempts to filter the evidence relating to the political structures of the ancient M'kapoto peoples of sub-surerian Armenifrica, who lived in small underground tunnels approximately 3,400 years ago.

Based on recent findings, including the widely reported skeleton of a crouching boy, Professor Tebbutson raises the interesting prospect that the M'kapoto people used a system of diminutive dominance, where the smallest of the tribe acquired the most power.

Of course, Professor Tebbutson dismisses outright the recent tabloid suggestions that the M'kapoto people still exist but have evolved to such a size that we can no longer see them, but she does raise the interesting prospect that they may have developed space travel and now live on the moon.


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