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Thu Apr 25, 2024 7:33 am

Teenagers in Armernica have been warned of the dangers of a new 'shrinking' craze that has been spreading across the Mid-West.

Hipster children as young as 13 have been found taking combinations of Imaginary designer drugs Peppincolocide and Laburnium, which can result in irreversible reductions in stature. Bobby Ratsenburger, 15, has been using the drugs for 4 years, and is now just 2ft 6 : "Its just a bit of a laugh, innit, bro. We's, like, funning it up with the high-pitched voices n shizzle" or some such.

But there is a darker side, with medical services having reported over 100 serious cases, including numerous injuries caused by 'normal' sized people accidentally stepping on the tiny hipster users. There have also been 4 reported fatalities, one being caused when an active 'PeppiLaber' fell down a crack in the pavement. (Or 'Sidewalk' as it is known in Armernica).

Wed Apr 24, 2024 7:40 am

The small, quiet village of Lower Jasonbury rarely appears in the news, so residents were surprised when a vast flotilla of international media teams arrived to witness the latest project of experienced tree surgeon, Walter Yabberson.

The large, aged oak that stands in the centre of the village square finally succumbed to a mould infection early this year and since then has developed a dangerous lean. Assessors from the Rural Communities Board determined that if the tree were not removed there was a risk that it could fall and damage the nearby pub "The Baker's Legs", and so Yabberson was called in.

But it was when Yabberson announced his controversial approach to the tree's removal that international media began to pay attention ; Yabberson is removing the tree from the bottom up. "This method has not been attempted before" said Yabberson, "but it appears to be going well so far".

Fri Apr 19, 2024 7:42 am

Usually not much happens on the island of Manturpeneyre, an island so remote that the ferry to the mainland calls just twice a year, and the nearest post-office is in December.

So for most of the island's residents it was the biggest event in living memory when one resident, Mrs Marjorie McBagginson of The Road, Manturpeneyre, won the 2016 prize for cake-hardening, judged by UN Inspector General, Bintop Farlarly-Panarly.

Mrs McBagginson described her technique to our reporter saying "Ee, there ain't much to it, to bae sure, and bessie don't seem to mind".

The entire island will be putting out both bits of bunting to mark the occasion of Mr Farlarly-Panarly's visit for the prize-giving ceremony to be held next month.

Wed Apr 17, 2024 9:02 am

Indernet giant Hardensoft has dismissed early reports suggesting that over-use of their search technology has lead to a massive increase in the toad population in upstate, mid-town, intercity Kuntecky.

Residents of the remote, dusty, Armernican town claimed that since Hardensoft opened up their Kuntecky data center the number of toads in their town has increased ten-fold. Mr William Pantyforce - struggling to hold on to a wriggling bag marked "Loads of Toads" - told our reporter, "No, sirreee, oi 'ave no idea where all deez toads are all a-coming from, aye but it definitely started 'appening when they brought in that big fancy technology. Ya saw it, dinchya, Bob?". Bob was unable to comment, due to a speech impediment and a massive bag of toads.

Since the opening of the data-centre, toads have been spilling out of drains and water mains in the town in vast numbers and scientists currently have no explanation for the phenomena.

Sat Apr 13, 2024 2:12 pm

Naturalists on an expedition to the remote northern regions of Simeria have captured a rare glimpse of the famous Simerian MiniBear, a creature only seen in the wild twice previously.

The MiniBear is notoriously shy, hibernates for 8 years at a time and lives in the most inaccessible regions of Simeria, rarely coming into contact with humans. In its rare waking moments, any unexpected noise triggers the MiniBear's natural defensive response (curling up into ball and shrinking to the size of a grain of sand) which makes wild sightings so rare.

Expedition leader Magnus Johanssus described how they managed to capture the MiniBear footage : "We were climbing up a sharp incline when Elga dropped one of those little dangly things that she liked to keep attached to her massive backpack. As she reached down to retrieve it we realised it had landed right next to a MiniBear cavehole - they're clearly recognisable because of the tiny poo stains at the entrance. So I pitched a tent, I was that excited. Later, Elga and I set up the camping equipment so we had somewhere to stay, and we set up our cameras. We had to wait, in silence, for 6 years for the MiniBear to emerge, and the film we captured was worth every minute. It is a shame Elga died before she got to see it."

Fri Apr 12, 2024 11:05 am

After a trial lasting 7 days, a unanimous guilty verdict was delivered in the case of Horace Kingson, known popularly by the tabloid moniker, the 'Woodcutter'.

Kingson, 56, of Candar-on-Torrs, was found guilty on 6 counts of murder, 1 of manslaughter, and 3 of carpentry. In his summing up, Judge Edgar Yellinson told Mr Kingson that "you are an awful, most degraded person of the worst type. Not only did you kill these 7 innocent people, your sickened mind lead to you constructing furniture from them too. This perhaps would not have been so bad if it wasn't for the terribly poor quality of the furniture, which I wouldn't even use in the servant's quarters, let alone the main living area, as you yourself appear to have done."

Kingson was sentenced to serve 15 consecutive life-sentences, with a break at half-time for good behaviour.

Thu Apr 11, 2024 7:41 am

Early this morning, the mayor of El Piston in central Majisco revealed a new statue dedicated to town virgin, Mary Gonconsuelaz.

Standing over 6 feet tall and with a formidable base, Mary has been the pride of the town since becoming the first in it's history to complete school 'untarnished' 8 years ago. Since then a large number of admirers have attempted to breach the town's defenses, including one attempt involving an elaborate tunnel system, without success.

Attending the unveiling, Mary admitted that posing for the statue was a terrifying ordeal as it was the first time she had been let out of her tower since 2013.