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Remote island wins International Cake-Hardening competition

ImageUsually not much happens on the island of Manturpeneyre, an island so remote that the ferry to the mainland calls just twice a year, and the nearest post-office is in December.

So for most of the island's residents it was the biggest event in living memory when one resident, Mrs Marjorie McBagginson of The Road, Manturpeneyre, won the 2016 prize for cake-hardening, judged by UN Inspector General, Bintop Farlarly-Panarly.

Mrs McBagginson described her technique to our reporter saying "Ee, there ain't much to it, to bae sure, and bessie don't seem to mind".

The entire island will be putting out both bits of bunting to mark the occasion of Mr Farlarly-Panarly's visit for the prize-giving ceremony to be held next month.

Hardensoft in Toad Overflow Crisis

ImageIndernet giant Hardensoft has dismissed early reports suggesting that over-use of their search technology has lead to a massive increase in the toad population in upstate, mid-town, intercity Kuntecky.

Residents of the remote, dusty, Armernican town claimed that since Hardensoft opened up their Kuntecky data center the number of toads in their town has increased ten-fold. Mr William Pantyforce - struggling to hold on to a wriggling bag marked "Loads of Toads" - told our reporter, "No, sirreee, oi 'ave no idea where all deez toads are all a-coming from, aye but it definitely started 'appening when they brought in that big fancy technology. Ya saw it, dinchya, Bob?". Bob was unable to comment, due to a speech impediment and a massive bag of toads.

Since the opening of the data-centre, toads have been spilling out of drains and water mains in the town in vast numbers and scientists currently have no explanation for the phenomena.

Rare footage of Simerian MiniBear captured

ImageNaturalists on an expedition to the remote northern regions of Simeria have captured a rare glimpse of the famous Simerian MiniBear, a creature only seen in the wild twice previously.

The MiniBear is notoriously shy, hibernates for 8 years at a time and lives in the most inaccessible regions of Simeria, rarely coming into contact with humans. In its rare waking moments, any unexpected noise triggers the MiniBear's natural defensive response (curling up into ball and shrinking to the size of a grain of sand) which makes wild sightings so rare.

Expedition leader Magnus Johanssus described how they managed to capture the MiniBear footage : "We were climbing up a sharp incline when Elga dropped one of those little dangly things that she liked to keep attached to her massive backpack. As she reached down to retrieve it we realised it had landed right next to a MiniBear cavehole - they're clearly recognisable because of the tiny poo stains at the entrance. So I pitched a tent, I was that excited. Later, Elga and I set up the camping equipment so we had somewhere to stay, and we set up our cameras. We had to wait, in silence, for 6 years for the MiniBear to emerge, and the film we captured was worth every minute. It is a shame Elga died before she got to see it."

Woodworking mass-killer jailed

ImageAfter a trial lasting 7 days, a unanimous guilty verdict was delivered in the case of Horace Kingson, known popularly by the tabloid moniker, the 'Woodcutter'.

Kingson, 56, of Candar-on-Torrs, was found guilty on 6 counts of murder, 1 of manslaughter, and 3 of carpentry. In his summing up, Judge Edgar Yellinson told Mr Kingson that "you are an awful, most degraded person of the worst type. Not only did you kill these 7 innocent people, your sickened mind lead to you constructing furniture from them too. This perhaps would not have been so bad if it wasn't for the terribly poor quality of the furniture, which I wouldn't even use in the servant's quarters, let alone the main living area, as you yourself appear to have done."

Kingson was sentenced to serve 15 consecutive life-sentences, with a break at half-time for good behaviour.

Town dedicates statue to virgin, Mary

ImageEarly this morning, the mayor of El Piston in central Majisco revealed a new statue dedicated to town virgin, Mary Gonconsuelaz.

Standing over 6 feet tall and with a formidable base, Mary has been the pride of the town since becoming the first in it's history to complete school 'untarnished' 8 years ago. Since then a large number of admirers have attempted to breach the town's defenses, including one attempt involving an elaborate tunnel system, without success.

Attending the unveiling, Mary admitted that posing for the statue was a terrifying ordeal as it was the first time she had been let out of her tower since 2013.

Alliteration Virus "violates viral vectors", vows Vesuvius

ImageThe Alliteration Virus that has baffled scientists since it was first discovered in the New Rain Forest is more dangerous than first realised, according to leading Venezonian Virologist, Victor Vesuvius.

The virus, which is thought to have evolved in the small population of echidna currently resident in Ecclesthorpe Zoo and Library, East Englia - introduced back to the New Rain Forest in an act of selfless environmentalism - is unique in that it appears only to affect humans who engage in extensive written communication.

This tiny group is already on the Government's "at-risk" list and considered Heritage-Only owing to its constant beleaguering by the anarchic forces of the YouthTube, whose stated purpose is to replace all forms of written communication with videos of youths playing video games, bearded youthful vikings throwing axes at melons, and attempts to scare nubile YouthTubers as they exit the shower wearing clown costumes.

In an extensive interview and dinner, Victor Vesuvius told INN that "the virus violates viral vectors" - by which, he later revealed, he means that nobody understands what it is, how it works, or whether it's actually a virus.

INN has instigated an immediate initiative to prepare prophylactic processes to prevent this vicious virus violating the editorial edifice of this venerable organ, while a third party review of INN content over the previous publication period reveals that the organ has so far declined to rise to the challenge.

Danoosh Kareeem reaches unprecedented levels

ImageThe Danoosh Kareeem, which strikes South Marmurnia in a regular seven-year cycle, has this year reached levels never previously recorded.

The giant swelling is now 4 times larger than in a non-Kareeem year, and up 15% on the peak at last cycle.

Local resident, Pini Timpanilim, described how it has affected life in their small village in northern South Marmurnia : "Our village life is normally peaceful and quiet, the seasons come and go, we welcome each winter with eyes open, and each summer with our arms outstretched. In Autumn we sit in circles, and in Spring we have each other round for tea. The Danoosh Kareeem changes our lives, this year we have our eyes downcast.".

It's International Kiwi Floating Day

ImageKiwiland's annual celebration of Kiwi Floating gets underway today with hundreds of people already gathering around lakes and large puddles, kiwi in hand, ready to see if they float.

The tradition has been a yearly event in Kiwiland since the 12th century, when Dutch pioneers first discovered the birds resting next to a lake in the province of Watunatonger. Back then the Dutch sailors were a superstitious and cautious people who believed many of the birds contained the spirits of witches ; by throwing the flightless birds into the lake they were able to determine which were witches and which weren't witches - which ones floated were witches, and the others that didn't which weren't witch.

Though the tradition continues today largely unchanged, in our more enlightened times we know that all Kiwis float and all are witches. Still worth chucking them into a lake before eating them though, just to make sure.

73% of world prefers "blooming"

ImageAccording to a new survey from global anthroanalysts Boston & Freebaum, 73% of the world's population prefers 'blooming' to most other verbs.

Asked to rank a number of different verbs on a scale of one to ten, a random selection of the world's human population put "fettling" in 10th place. "kettling" in 9th place, "parenting" in 8th, "foisting" somewhere between third and fifth place, and "sandbagging", "filibustering" and "teabagging" between places two and four. "Blooming" was number one on the list.

Given the essential nature of many of these activities, we asked the PM's office to comment.

We have yet to receive any reply.

16 dead in Euronian dust up

ImageSixteen people died during the weekend's dust up events in Euronia, with nine losing their lives in a single event, believed to be relating to a stray under-rimmed fingerplant.

Euronian president, Jean-Michael Bonbon, expressed great sadness at the news, stating "Obviously, we are greatly saddened by the events of the weekend, especially following such a long period without any serious injuries. We'll be instigating a full investigation."

85 year old Leonard Villeneuve, who has attended every dust up since 1953, said "Everyone knows this is a dangerous event. No-one does it without understanding the risks. They understood the risks in 1953 and they understand them now. I'm just surprised more people haven't died, its really stupid."

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