Science >

Wed Nov 20, 2024 8:42 am

Three years ago, Imaginary Space Agency scientists began work on a new 'Inverse' telescope designed to peer forward through space and time. Now, 6 months ahead of its launch, the telescope has revealed its own inevitable failure.

Over the past decades the Imaginary Space Agency has launched a number of telescopes that look back to the origins of the universe because of Science. Unlike those that detect primordial light in the deep infra-red zx spectrum, the new 'Jackie Neilson Telescope' uses green light and microwaves and stuff to look The Other Way.

Scans during pre-launch testing confirmed the telescope will be successfully launched into space on board the ISA's massive Boner-IV rocket, but will be placed into an incorrect orbit that will lead to its demise shortly after launch when it inadvertently intercepts the sun.

"Not much we can do about it but carry on regardless." said head of the project, Matt Mattson, rather despondently.

Mon Nov 18, 2024 7:45 am

Famous scienceman Byron Clocks has revealed the results of the follow-up to his often peered-at ping-pong Grrravity experiment.

This long-awaited 5G test also required the enthusiastic help of his able assistant, Brenda, said Clocks, who adds an 's' to his surname every time he manages to finish some work.

"As we stare up at the night sky, we can only wonder at the enormity of the universe," Clocks said. "It's quite hard to get your head around it, believe me. So I thought I'd look into whether that whole Grrravity thing was related in any way to this modern trend of cableless telephonic communicatory devices. Brenda always got quite excited when I talked about more than 4Gs, so I thought we should go for five."

Clocks' team wanted to test the theory that they would get the best reception from Brenda if their peripherals were put in just the right spot to achieve optimal G. The results were conclusive: 5 or more Gs can be obtained.

"With Brenda we tested our peripherals in many different positions and with different levels of oscillation," said Clocks. "There is no doubt in my mind that the 5G spot has been found, and it's just a little bit up and to the left of where you'd expect. Sadly, Brenda died of exhaustion, but I think it's how she would have wanted to go."

According to the usual scienceman convention, Clocks' results will need to be peered at for some time before kids get to learn about them at school.

Sat Nov 16, 2024 8:18 am

At a press conference held today in the Imaginary Institute of Sciencenshit, Imaginary Scientists confirmed the discovery of subatomic 'Tacobels' in the distant galaxy of Andyromeldal, which is over 6 hours' drive from our planet, even at 1000 times the speed of light and then some.

The group of scientists were quick to quash rumours that the 'Tacobels' were just another made-up phenomena, especially relevant as their reputation was so badly tarnished by last year's announcement of a 'Macdonalds Wave' in a small puddle on the University campus, and their still-disputed claim to have discovered the fundamental quantum particle of Time that they call 'Whendies'.

Although the debate about 'Whendies' concluded three years ago, when rival scientists pointed out that the whole idea was nonsense, according to Imaginary Scientists it still rages on in the future, which conclusively proves their point, they claim.

Thu Nov 14, 2024 6:44 am

On this day 200 years ago, Natural Historians (as they referred to themselves at the time) made a great leap forward in identifying the processes by which disease spread around the body ; i.e. through difficult airs that were released when young men were exposed to the calves of middle aged ladies

Also on this day at the start of the 20th century, Industrialist Harry Entrance delivered the first of his new range of motor vehicles to eager customers in New Park, Armenica. The vehicles, known as the Model Pfft, ran on refined horse manure, had no windows or doors and had a top speed of 600 miles per hour. Two hundred and fifteen members of the 'Walking in Front of the Car Waving a Red Flag' Union were killed in the months following the release of the Model Pfft, which eventually led to the practice being abolished and the union disbanded.

Closer to modern day, just 10 years ago this day, scientists discovered the first ever nasal contraceptive and there have been no nasal births since.

Mon Nov 11, 2024 8:25 am

The Imaginary Space Investigation Service (ISIS) confirmed today that the Marrrs-bound, multi-billion sheckle 'Explorer V' probe failed to launch correctly at the weekend because it was not plugged in.

Chief ISIS Orbital Insertion Specialist, Kurt Verngutson, explained that "The probe launch execution remained in a sub-optimal progression state following a static alignment disruption in the launcher power-systems."

The probe later launched 16 hours behind schedule when a cleaning lady mistakenly inserted the plug, instead of her hoover, at which point the earth was facing the wrong direction and the misguided booster sent the expensive probe plunging into the sun and whatnot.

Fri Nov 08, 2024 8:49 am

The newly renamed (and refurbished) Imaginary Space Investigation Service (ISIS) has confirmed all is on track, looking good and tickety-boo for the 'Explorer V' probe which is planned to launch this weekend.

If all goes well, the Explorer will be lifted through the atmosphere and enter semi-stationary orbit on Sunday evening. After a brief systems check in which a robot arm will reach out and jiggle some wires about to make sure they're properly attached, the probe's engines will burn for an additional 125 hours setting it on its long journey to Marrrrrs.

Assuming the burn completes successfully, the probe will then be put into semi-hibernation as it traverses the 850 million miles between the planets (during the semi-hibernation phase the probe will wake only occasionally to perform a system dump), before waking and firing its engines a final time to enter an elliptical orbit around Marrrrrs in around 3 months time (Earth time).

We'll be providing regular updates on the mission as they occur.

Wed Nov 06, 2024 6:14 am

Evidence unearthed from cave samples dating back to the dawn of human civilization - somewhere between 17 months and 35 squillion years ago according to inaccurate carbon-dating techniques - has revealed high levels of silliness in primitive human cultures

Amongst gnarled mammoth bones, flinty spear heads and the remains of primitive wooden structures, archaeologists discovered evidence of large swathes of daftness, with groups of pre-sapien hominids - possibly a family or small tribe - showing many traits that would be familiar to groups of silly people living today.

Chief Archaeologist, and captain of the under 15s volleyball team, Tim Limdimson-Haggenberry, suggested the new research could shed new light on many previously unexplained findings, primarily in the sense of them being silly.