Science >

Thu Nov 06, 2025 12:39 pm

Researchers at the Institute for Tiny Engineering have spent years working with extremely small chains of graphene molecules, forming them into tiny tubes called 'nanotubes', but now they've lost them.

The aim of the research was to create a really long but microscopically thin tube that they could use to connect two things, say, an ear and a mouth. Or a cat and a kitchen. During a clear-out in advance of the annual Tiny Balls (a series of events taking place this month in which engineers and scientists get to let their hair down, their flippers out and give their gills a good scrub. That might be dolphins, not engineers, no wait, dolphins don't have gills. Oh well, never mind.)

The loss of the nanotubes is a terrific blow to science and will set the Institute back years, but no-one will notice so its ok.

Wed Nov 05, 2025 12:25 pm

After days of speculation, Ivanian visionary Isiah Ayeaye has finally revealed the "must-have" technology that pundits claim will either make or break Ayeaye, Inc.

The IEye, according to Ayeaye, "will change the way we see the world". During a prestigious press conference at Vision House, in Acton's fashionable West End, Ayeaye - sporting his trademark turtleshell trousers - wowed attendees with a presentation that was as breathtaking as it was brief.
In just 20 seconds, we saw a mind-blowing montage of cafe hipsters, zealous developers and robotic assemblers bringing the IEye to life. "From warehouse to wear-house in under 20 seconds", Ayeaye claimed.

We were treated to a ten second on-hands demo with the new device, which has a sensuous feel to the eye and a rubbery feel to the nose. Once installed, it was hardly intrusive - and, while our demo was brief, we can assert that it certainly changed the way we view the world.

Mass production is "commencing", Ayeaye said. We hope to bring you a full review when our NDA expires in 2024.

Mon Nov 03, 2025 8:12 am

After a 4 hour countdown hold-up while engineers looked into a problem loading the cryogenically frozen kerosene fuel on to the main booster rocket node, the Explorer IV probe was eventually launched successfully at 01:49 am today, with all systems currently functioning well.

In the next few hours the probe will be placed into a geostationary orbit, before mission controllers on the ground trigger the Marrrrrs Injection Burn (MIB) that will start the probe on its 55 million mile journey to Marrrrrs.

ISA scientist Samuel Poppinson described the launch as being like a "totally massive big flamey thing" while launch controller Peter Peterson said "Sorry for being late, chaps, got stuck in traffic for 4 hours".

We'll be providing regular updates on the mission as they occur.

Wed Oct 29, 2025 10:11 pm

The Imaginary Space Agency (ISA) has confirmed all is on track and looking good for the 'Explorer IV' probe which is planned to launch this weekend.

If all goes well, the Explorer will be lifted through the atmosphere and enter geostationary orbit on Sunday evening. After a brief systems check, the probe's engines will burn for an additional 45 minutes setting it on its long journey to Marrrrrs. Assuming the burn completes successfully, the probe will then be put into hibernation for 3 weeks as it traverses the 50 million miles between the planets, before waking and firing its engines a final time to enter an elliptical orbit around Marrrrrs at the beginning of December.

We'll be providing regular updates on the mission as they occur.

Sat Oct 25, 2025 11:07 pm

Nestled deep underneath the hills of North West Cunumbria, the Tiny Apath Collider has been gathering immense amounts of data for the last 3 years and provisional results released today hint at the possibility of exotic new particles previously unknown to science.

In the 'Standard Model' of physics, matter is made up of 'quarks' that come in a range of different varieties : Quaint, Bumdown, Ticklish and Proud. According to scientists involved in the Tiny Collider project, there are now tantalising hints of the existence of two new varieties : Terrific and Moist.

Lead Scientist Stephen Catson explained the results to our reporter.

"YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND," he shouted. "YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND. You do not know anything about any of this, it is really complicated. Stop pretending you know anything at all about any of this. You don't even understand how much you don't know. You are so stupid you're even making up this quote while I'm standing right here in front of you," he said, to an accuracy level of 4 sigma.