Science >

Mon Sep 21, 2026 1:45 pm

Famous scienceman Byron Clocks has revealed the results of the follow-up to his ping-pong Grrravity experiment.

"As we stare up at the night sky, we can only wonder at the enormity of the universe," Clocks said. "It's quite hard to get your head around it, believe me. So I thought I'd look into whether that whole Grrravity thing was related to this modern trend of wireless telephonic devices, the 3Gs and 4Gs and BGs and that."

According to Clocks, this long-awaited test also required the help of his able assistant, Brenda.

"Brenda always got quite excited when I talked about more than 4Gs, so I thought we should go for five," he said.

The team wanted to test the theory that they would get the best reception from Brenda if their peripherals were put in just the right spot to achieve optimal G. The results were conclusive: five or more Gs can be obtained.

"With Brenda we tried our peripherals in many different positions and with different levels of oscillation," Clocks explained. "There is no doubt in my mind that the 5G spot has been found, and it's just a little bit up and to the left of where you'd expect. Sadly, Brenda died of exhaustion, but I think it's how she would have wanted to go."

According to the usual scienceman convention, Clocks' results will need to be peered at for some time before kids get to learn about them at school.

Sat Sep 19, 2026 2:18 pm

At a press conference held today in the Imaginary Institute of Sciencenshit, Imaginary Scientists confirmed the discovery of subatomic 'Tacobels' in the distant galaxy of Andyromeldal, which is over 6 hours' drive from our planet, even at 1000 times the speed of light and then some.

The group of scientists were quick to quash rumours that the 'Tacobels' were just another made-up phenomena, especially relevant as their reputation was so badly tarnished by last year's announcement of a 'Macdonalds Wave' in a small puddle on the University campus, and their still-disputed claim to have discovered the fundamental quantum particle of Time that they call 'Whendies'.

Although the debate about 'Whendies' concluded three years ago, when rival scientists pointed out that the whole idea was nonsense, according to Imaginary Scientists it still rages on in the future, which conclusively proves their point, they claim.

Thu Sep 17, 2026 12:44 pm

On this day 200 years ago, Natural Historians (as they referred to themselves at the time) made a great leap forward in identifying the processes by which disease spread around the body ; i.e. through difficult airs that were released when young men were exposed to the calves of middle aged ladies

Also on this day at the start of the 20th century, Industrialist Harry Entrance delivered the first of his new range of motor vehicles to eager customers in New Park, Armenica. The vehicles, known as the Model Pfft, ran on refined horse manure, had no windows or doors and had a top speed of 600 miles per hour. Two hundred and fifteen members of the 'Walking in Front of the Car Waving a Red Flag' Union were killed in the months following the release of the Model Pfft, which eventually led to the practice being abolished and the union disbanded.

Closer to modern day, just 10 years ago this day, scientists discovered the first ever nasal contraceptive and there have been no nasal births since.

Mon Sep 14, 2026 2:25 pm

The Imaginary Space Investigation Service (ISIS) confirmed today that the Marrrs-bound, multi-billion sheckle 'Explorer V' probe failed to launch correctly at the weekend because it was not plugged in.

Chief ISIS Orbital Insertion Specialist, Kurt Verngutson, explained that "The probe launch execution remained in a sub-optimal progression state following a static alignment disruption in the launcher power-systems."

The probe later launched 16 hours behind schedule when a cleaning lady mistakenly inserted the plug, instead of her hoover, at which point the earth was facing the wrong direction and the misguided booster sent the expensive probe plunging into the sun and whatnot.

Fri Sep 11, 2026 2:49 pm

The newly renamed (and refurbished) Imaginary Space Investigation Service (ISIS) has confirmed all is on track, looking good and tickety-boo for the 'Explorer V' probe which is planned to launch this weekend.

If all goes well, the Explorer will be lifted through the atmosphere and enter semi-stationary orbit on Sunday evening. After a brief systems check in which a robot arm will reach out and jiggle some wires about to make sure they're properly attached, the probe's engines will burn for an additional 125 hours setting it on its long journey to Marrrrrs.

Assuming the burn completes successfully, the probe will then be put into semi-hibernation as it traverses the 850 million miles between the planets (during the semi-hibernation phase the probe will wake only occasionally to perform a system dump), before waking and firing its engines a final time to enter an elliptical orbit around Marrrrrs in around 3 months time (Earth time).

We'll be providing regular updates on the mission as they occur.

Wed Sep 09, 2026 12:14 pm

Evidence unearthed from cave samples dating back to the dawn of human civilization - somewhere between 17 months and 35 squillion years ago according to inaccurate carbon-dating techniques - has revealed high levels of silliness in primitive human cultures

Amongst gnarled mammoth bones, flinty spear heads and the remains of primitive wooden structures, archaeologists discovered evidence of large swathes of daftness, with groups of pre-sapien hominids - possibly a family or small tribe - showing many traits that would be familiar to groups of silly people living today.

Chief Archaeologist, and captain of the under 15s volleyball team, Tim Limdimson-Haggenberry, suggested the new research could shed new light on many previously unexplained findings, primarily in the sense of them being silly.

Fri Sep 04, 2026 1:25 pm

Imaginary scientists are completing final preparations in advance of the launch of the new Imaginary Solar Observation Platform (ISOP),the unique $6bn satellite that aims to stare at the sun for too long.

The launch on Tuesday (maybe Monday, if it doesn't take quite as long as they expect to get all the bits connected) ends a tumultuous genesis for the project, which was almost cancelled probably 15 or 16 times.

As Lead Project Scientist Arthur Leadscientistson explains, "When we first proposed the project to stare at the sun for too long, everyone said 'No! You shouldn't stare at the sun for too long'. But we persisted, we kept trying, we persevered, we carried on, we kept on going, we never gave up, we ploughed on, we stuck to our guns and we stood firm. I admit there's a fair chance they were right - certainly most of our hardware tests so far have backed up the theory that you shouldn't stare at the sun for too long - but its only through such dogged, intractable determination that expensive and inevitably fruitless projects like this can ever see the light of day."

Readers should take care never to stare at the sun for too long, and if they do, keep a bucket of water handy and use a card with some holes in it.