Science >

Wed Jan 08, 2025 7:38 am

Scientists at Canterbridge University have discovered a new method for arranging matter of facts using atomic manipulation techniques.

Using electron microscopiscy and harnessing quantum fluctuations, researchers were able to arrange matter of facts into thin layers of individual fact atoms or 'factoms', as they are known. This breakthrough research is likely to result in large numbers of excited media types going on about 'factoms' for some time in the future, in all likelihood leading to extensive research grants for Canterbridge University.

The bias of funding on unsubstantiated grounds and the complete lack of practical application for 'factoms' will inevitably lead to the shutdown of useful research in other departments at the university, a situation that was summarised by the Head of Factom Research in a little, joyous jig.

Professor Whoreson and his controversial columnist wife Julie Whoreson will be dining out on this coverage for the next few months.

Mon Jan 06, 2025 7:58 am

Research initially funded by Armernican defense agency, ADARPA, has found tantalizing evidence that odd-bitted computers are more efficient than the traditional binary square even-bittage.

In a paper published this month in the respected journal, Nurture, researchers at the Mataflopolis Institution of the Technollarrrrs claim that a 7, 13, 35 or 61 bit architecture has a significant power advantage over the traditional 8, 16, 32 or 64 bit systems.

According to research scientist, Benoit Mandelbrosison, "It's the last thing we were expecting, and that is why there is such a power difference. Architectures based on powers of 2 are now so predictable that they've lost the power of surprise, thereby diminishing their overall capacity. Although the element of surprise plays a relatively small part in the overall power of modern computer systems, it is a cumulative effect and we have now reached the point where the combined loss of 'wooah' is greater than the gain of using the traditional, more logical, bifactorial system."

When compared to, say, a nice field of corn or a happy cow, all participants in a survey conducted at the institute were shown to be well wide of the mark, yup.

Thu Jan 02, 2025 7:44 am

Imaginary Space Agency scientists today reported that the Explorer IV probe suffered a 'minor anomaly' when performing the engine burn that was required to put it into orbit around Marrrrs.

According to Chief ISA Orbital Insertion Specialist, Kurt Verngutson, "The probe suffered a minor directional infringement in its secondary booster system, resulting in a slight orientation anomaly, which itself resulted in the probe experiencing a short period of momentum impingement when it unexpectedly made contact with the planet at a confrontational velocity that briefly exceeded guideline safety limits."

At a press conference later that day, ISA spokesperson Florence Katsenroper confirmed that the probe had "twatted into the planet" and was no longer in contact with the Earth. "This does restrict our ability to complete the science portion of the mission." she explained.

Tue Dec 31, 2024 7:42 am

In a paper to be published in respected journal Nurture, scientists from the Minitopolis Institute of Technarrrbalollogistics suggest that their recent experiments into artificial intelligence have revealed that actual intelligence is most likely artificial.

The paper, by Professors James Stoner, Peter High, Timothy Crack and Sebastian Vettel, cites years of research which they claim proves that it is mathematically impossible to be intelligent ; it being unnatural, and therefore artificial, to be anything more than a semi-random collection of primordial chemical oozing, what with entropy and everything else.

Interviewed by the INN, Professor Stoner said "Hi!", Professor High said "Oh man", Professor Crack refused to comment and Sebastian Vettel was - unfortunately - too busy fine-tuning his front/rear wing balance and helping select the correct tyres for wet weather conditions.

Sun Dec 29, 2024 6:51 am

A new report proves that yet another popular belief has turned out to be neither popular nor correct.

Professor Woman, head assistant at Oxtail University, has revealed the outcome of three months' intensive testing of various sizes of Pingus.

"I honestly don't know who's paying for this research, but I don't like it," said Woman. "It makes me breathless just thinking about it, but I suppose if you give me the money I'll do it for science."

Prof. Woman tested multiple Pinguses in multiple positions. At no time was the rare Bigger Pingus able to count.

"I really don't know who thought they could. I mean, it's obvious isn't it?" she said.

Thu Dec 26, 2024 7:31 am

The amount of units in the atmosphere has been steadily rising since the 16th century mathematical revolution, and this year measurements suggest it will reach record levels.

Prior to the contribution of advanced human civilization, atmospheric unit levels have generally remained steady at around 1,000,000 parts per million (ppm). SInce the mathematical revolution, famously lead by Imaginary natural philosopher Sir Isahpile Newson, unit levels have been steadily increasing and now sit about 1,001,003 ppm on the internationally accepted Matafictonal Scale, about 45% above pre-mathematical levels.

Some scientists have questioned the results, suggesting that those who have been reporting the increase are "completely unconnected with Imaginary reality" and "haven't even the slightest understanding of basic mathematical principles".

Mon Dec 23, 2024 9:18 am

The Imaginary Space Agency released the first images from the Explorer IV probe, currently halfway through its 60 million mile journey to Marrrrs.

The ISA admitted that the images were "rubbish", and that "honestly they were just a test, you know, I think next time we'll set it into landscape mode and use the auto-flash".

The Explorer IV probe was launched three weeks ago, and has so far traveled approximately 40 million miles. ISA scientists are "fairly certain" that it is going the right way. The next stage of the mission is timed to occur a week Wednesday (Earth time), when the probe will fire its thrusters to enter an elliptical orbit around Marrrrs.