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Thu Nov 21, 2024 8:56 am

Kettle of Fish stocks are floundering with net profits down - that's the latest analysis from Skipper, the Boat-based market experts.

It was only two years ago that the So-So Media giant reported enormous numbers of users flocking to their new platform. After opening a brand new HQ in Fish, and a big push on the net, Kettle has been bladdering customers.

Combined with the declining Gill, this seems to have caused problems for the executive team.

Anti-rust legislation and pier-to-pier security worries are to blame, according to Skipper's head analyst, Sturgeon McTrout. Sturgeon spoke to us from a bridge in the charming Euronian capital, Boat.

"Gudgeon McTrout was appointed Kettle CEO to make waves in this market," he said. "It was going well, but right now - ok, it ain't pretty, but he's my brother."

When asked about the news, Gudgeon McTrout said, "It is what it is. We do have a new Kettle of Fish logo though, and that is pretty - even Stephen Fryson said so, so it must be true."

Tue Nov 19, 2024 7:38 am

Parchants are up 4, anything, down 4 the shizzle, down with, the kids, up for a kickabout on the green or street corner.

Parchant futures are still some way off, nothing to worry about, Parchant pasts predictable. Parchants in period drama, heavily corseted and wide-mouthed, gloriously scented herb garden. (Well, I would). Sci-fi Parchants chrome-clad, not spot-on, gritty future-urban tales of dirt and destruction not much better off, its the little things that count and no-one knows.

Parchants are 4 across, slack spaced and easy, 3 down, 8 letters, 8 armed aquapod with multiple brains (Sup.).

Kenchu Viamactory from HK-BS called this "Splendid, absolutely splendid" shouting down from the 3rd floor office window refusing to come down and holding 6 children and a cleaning lady hostage, waiting to be extradited.

Fri Nov 15, 2024 7:05 am

Latest quarterly figures for swings, slides and general playground paraphernalia manufacturing suggest a mixed bag for the industry at £1.25/100g, extra for the fruit and nut.

The newly released figures highlighted a big downward trend in slide manufacturing, swings and roundabout output rates were both indicative of a more volatile trading picture (with prices rising, lowering and going round and round and round for most of the quarter) whilst trampoline sales showed signs of rebounding.

Analyst Kenchu Viamactory from HK-BS was phlegmatic and (after apologising for the heavy cold) was keen to criticize anyone he could think of who wasn't currently in the room and was unlikely to hear what he'd said about them.

Wed Nov 13, 2024 8:22 am

At the close of trading today, the price for Cher rose to a new high ($6.60 per ounce) while the Sonny index tanked, ending at a disappointing $14.50 per barrel

70's Cher was the brightest performer, bucking the trend of other artists of the decade who have been on a downward spiral since the collapse of Simon & Garfunkel last week. 80's Cher remained steady, despite increased alcohol consumption, and 90's Cher remains in the 90s, still unrecognisable due to plastic surgery. 21st century Cher remains in hiding, possibly deceased.

Mon Nov 11, 2024 6:19 am

Investment future derivative merchants, Broadspan, well regarded all up and down the city line through their years of above baseline fruitfulness, have continued their onward march with a set of rosy futures that are bringing traders to their knees with excitement.

"Broadspan's future portfolio makes me soo happy", said one investor, "I've got a portacabin's worth of joy bottled up and eager to pop just as soon as their futures mature and become the past".

So far, Broadspan (BCAP, CFAR, On the NAD-TRAK 100, Underling) haven't budged significantly, and future imperfect still looks some way off, with little danger of the past tense due to regular massage and an overperforming back catalogue that rarely fails to impress. Impress holdings are down 3, relaxed due to massage all down the line, which is a cyclical usual for this time of year.

Fri Nov 08, 2024 7:08 am

Stock markets across the globe have experienced wide swings following the release of unexpected data suggesting a large shift in the chicken - vegetable stock balance.

Chicken Stocks opened down 50 on Jindonesian markets, before recovering gladly, while vegetable stocks were seen to rise, fall and go round and round. As the FUNDAC opened, these drastic swings were translated to the Armernican markets which were down 400 by lunch, recovering slightly by close of play following a series of solid forward defensive strokes.

Stock watcher Martin Chuzzleson was one of few unsurprised by the news : "Chicken stocks have been on the boil for a while now so it was almost inevitable that someone would have to come along and turn it down a notch, otherwise it would have boiled over and gone all over the hob. I believe Vegetable stock has had less heat and has been in the pan for a much shorter time, and this is exactly what we're seeing in homes and businesses right across the world."

Thu Nov 07, 2024 7:59 am

Veteran brokerage firm Lard and Tithe have closed their punting fund in a move that reflects market trends to wipe down brokerings with interest lack rates at record levels.

The move came as no surprise to most on the floor, after Lard's Chief Executive's weekend statement to investors highlighted the likelihood of future uptown girls, with the red dress on, and a double whiskey with no ice.

Analysts at corporate broker partners Iggleston & Son considered today's announcement to be "the icing on the cake of the crematorium sweeping's end of the line bake off" ; everyone here was happy enough with that and went off down to the pub to celebrate.

All the points were up 3 after the announcement bar the westerlies which were all over the place, sometimes left, sometimes right, and jiggling about like ants in a microwave.