Business >

Thu Nov 06, 2025 6:00 pm

FINEX markets around the world closed sharply down this morning, as the latest GIMP figures suggested an increasing slowdown in global confidence avoidance.

Analyst Kenchu Viamactory from HK-BS said "Confidence avoidance levels haven't lacked this much stamina since the heavy depression of 2007, when manufacturers around the world became substantially disheartened by the little plastic things that kept getting delivered". Others meanwhile, including Head of Strategic Confidence at US banker Gordon Charts, James Weiner, suggested the downturn is a temporary setback : "Stare really closely at these figures and they kinda do your head in, but if you take a few steps back.. ideally into another room.. well from that perspective the long-term trend looks pretty flat.".

FINEX was down 6, up 4, with 3 across 'Incomplete? Spend it, perhaps? (7)' still unresolved.

Tue Nov 04, 2025 2:09 pm

Urinal Waxing Corp of NY announced greater than expected profits in their first quarter prelims released today.

Jim Tinsonbuntson of analysts Loose, White and Gagging gave the report three oversized thumbs up : "Urinal's first quarter completely blew our expectations out of the water, took 'em to a bar, gave 'em 6 double whiskeys then slid 'em down a well greased rope slide into a pool full of sexy".

CEO Filon Waxing painted a rosy picture for shareholders in FY2017, which was nice of him.

Mon Nov 03, 2025 7:32 am

Dividends in the Duvet Down company have dropped after the company announced plans to reduce its workforce by a third.

The firm's three employees exchanged looks of serious concern, before the Buggson twins settling their gaze intently on co-worker, Brian Sackableoffence. At a meeting with investors Duvet Down's CEO, Timmy Chao, read out a prepared statement : "Unfortunately due to an ongoing shortfall in deliveries from our down and stitching supplier, Duck and Weave - shortfalls which are completely out of our hands - we are unable to maintain the workforce at it's present level. We will be reducing output over the coming months, while dividend and profit levels will be below expectations for the current financial year".

Press representatives for suppliers Duck and Weave were available for comment but we were unable to pin them down.

Sat Nov 01, 2025 3:36 pm

Multi-national T&N today floated merger options, with a hefty 160% floater in the offering.

According to people familiar with the offer a sizeable portion of the floatation will be in tanks, with late day rounding fees being avoided in line with the recently updated FANDAQ ruling ; a move that is likely to be warmly welcomed by the majority of shareholders in both businesses.

Both T&N shares jumped rapidly after the announcement, before rebounding frequently.

Fri Oct 31, 2025 12:27 pm

Online restaurant-invitation-denial service Just-Ate has completed the acquisition of rival site I'mFull making it easily the world's largest culinary denial service with a market cap of over 68 billion squillion.

Demand for online restaurant-invitation-denial services has exploded in recent years, leaving traditional 'Bricks and Mortar' businesses floundering and analysts predicting both companies are likely to fold within the year.

Bricks CEO, Hugh Tellmethatagainson, tried to put a positive spin on the story, declaring "We at Bricks, and our colleagues across the road at Mortar, still believe there's a place for traditional high-street restaurant-invitation-denial services, and expect that we'll see a return to growth later in the year when all the money has run out for the internetty upstarts. Please dont phone me again."

The CEO of Mortar is currently on holiday in the Bahoomas and cannot be contacted for legal reasons.

Tue Oct 28, 2025 5:33 am

The Euronian Council for Economic Affairs has confirmed, in a strongly worded statement, that there is absolutely no chance of a currency crisis any time in the next 3 months.

During a largely unattended press conference in Bustles, Euronian economists said, "We have kept the currency completely out of bottles. It is not hidden in the basement and any indicator of downward pressure on interest rate differentials is false. Off-sheet balance buyback futures".

Mrs. Euronia was busy all morning collecting the eggs and stopping teenagers pecking at her tights.

Fri Oct 24, 2025 7:20 pm

Analysts at Hengku-BS have revealed their annual list of share tips, picking out companies whose share price is expected to soar in the coming season.

First up is Dunslap, deemed 'thoroughly reliable' and "likely to go rimming around the bull-hole for the forseeable". Also strongly recommended are Muchswap Bigger Wang, who's car park movements show good intentions, and Harbinger of Doom who are predicted to release very optimistic profit forecasts later in the season.

HK-BS also claim to have produced a list of shares to avoid this season but refused to let anyone see it, with everyone else agreeing that they'd produced no such thing and were just lying about it to cover up the fact they hadn't done any work all week.