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Thu Jun 11, 2026 2:43 pm

Investment vestment venture capital holding analyst denture firm, Platinum holdings, dropped gold today like a vegetarian told his quorn burger is made of dingos' kidneys.

The firm have held holdings in gold holdings for months while prices have held steady, Eddie, said Eddie Holdings of Gold Holdings, "Holdings in gold ventures and dentures have held firm for most firms, so I'm somewhat surprised that the bottom has dropped out for Platinum."

Rumours that the bottom had indeed dropped since Platinum gave birth to its Gold fund back in November last year have been rife since the wife of Platinum CEO Alan Dropbottom demanded he adopt the position following the birth of their second child.

All the stocks so far are reacting cordially to the news, with orange, tropical and most varieties of lemon & lime holding above the 1000 FunDAQ base threshold.

Tue Jun 09, 2026 1:31 pm

Lastminute Holidays, a firm offering away-day package all-in-one city-break tours to the terminally ill community, admitted today their business model is suffering from a lack of repeat visits.

The Imaginary holiday firm is well-known for its quirky marketing gimmicks ; Customers on their death beds are welcomed at their destinations by Lastminute reps dressed in tattered cloaks and carrying massive scythes. Variations on the traditional holiday camp greetings ; 'Hi de die!' and 'Don't worry, you ain't got long left now' rarely fail to raise a titter or two, except in those cases where the customer has died during the coach journey from the airport.

A spokescat for Lastminute admitted that "Customer retention has always been an issue for us, especially for the budget return packages, where the guest is cremated and returned in hand-luggage for a great value holiday" but also expressed optimism for the business's future : "we're hopeful of a new and growing market as the world comes to an end.", they purred.

Fri Jun 05, 2026 2:23 pm

Muchswap bigger wang's CIAO, Italian boss, Goodbye Seeyalater, CIAO, suggests a downfaced lookout for the company is related to recent suggestive movements in the parking area.

Largely influential, up 16 this week but down overall, Muchswap was boosted in past-terms up to the third quarter reports, but has bolted now the full releases have been declared.

Analysts at corporate brokers, HK-BS, obviously have absolutely no idea what any of it means but will cover it up with a detailed and intelligent sounding statement in order to justify their increasingly ridiculous wages.

Wed Jun 03, 2026 2:47 pm

Reports trickling slowly out from the offices of the Euronian Council for Economic Affairs suggest another well-planned currency crisis is in the offing.

Euronian economists have frequently found bottling the currency, hiding it in the basement and then telling no-one about it for a few weeks has proved an effective method of restoring interest rate differentials and, ah, i dunno, off-sheet balance buyback futures or something.

The crisis is likely to start some time next month, when Mrs Euronia notices the gate has been left open and all the chickens have run off to go skateboarding and hanging around on street corners causing trouble.

Mon Jun 01, 2026 12:43 pm

The markets absorbed the news from Dunslap HQ with vigour, initially rising 6 before dropping off the cliff and ending up squashed on the beach along 85 points.

As trading opened this morning it initially looked like Dunslap might hold on, clinging by fingernails to an overhanging ledge while dramatic music played. But the market 'good guy' (of questionable virtue) approached the edge, made some trite comment and kicked Dunslap's share fingers away, casting them down like a medieval king subjugating a dirty peasant from atop his majestic steed.

Analysts at Miggins were unable to comment having had way too many glasses at lunch.

Sat May 30, 2026 2:40 pm

FairAir's CEO has released plans to allow passengers to stand with their arms outstretched on all its short haul long flights starting next month.

The announcement came after much speculation on the next steps the popular airline would take to increase the level of unpleasantness for passengers. "It came after much blue sky thinking" said the CEO Patrick Padderson. "We were worried that it wouldn't fly well with Health and Safety lawyers, but after inquiries and investigations, it looks like the idea is air tight." he said. "If passengers can stand standing with their arms outstretched, the reduction in cost should sit well with them." he added.

We asked a regular customer what they thought about the announcement. "I don't mind standing with my arms outstretched, but I'm worried about the landing.", said Arabella Fonty. "What if it's rough? Will there be hand-rails and stuff? Maybe the floor and walls could be padded." she added, "Or maybe we could have seats, so we don't fall over."

We asked Mr. Padderson to comment, but he had gone to get a sandwich.

Wed May 27, 2026 1:40 pm

Retail giant Harbinger, based in the small West Cortlenish town of Doom, today released disappointing third quarter profit forecasts.

Harbinger CEO Philip Sadface issued a statement to accompany the forecast, but it was just a scrawl in black crayon. Analysts at Loose, White and Gagging suggested, "This kind of forecast from Harbinger is not exactly unexpected. Retail profits have been broadly murky-looking for the past few months and Cortleny in particular has been slow to recover from last year's repression".

Hidden within the figures there is brighter news, however, according to people familiar with the situation. These people are called Optimists and are always cheery while making contact lenses or spectacles. Harbinger was down 2.5% at the opening, but recovered to practically horizontal by the mid-afternoon tea and biscuits.