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Fri May 22, 2026 2:21 pm

Despite a promising upcurve in trading last week, the FUNDAQ has flopped like a salmon in a blender.

Having borrowed 15 from its parents for last weekend, the FUNDAQ outlook unexpectedly darkened rapidly until the mood became decidedly sombre, a mournful kind of music playing quietly in the background and crusty brown leaves everywhere.

Analysts at Loose, White and Gagging weren't in the mood to talk about it. Even analyst Kenchu Viamactory from HK-BS, who is rarely short an opinion said "I am short an opinion".

Opinion shorts were up 5, while the FUNDAQ was down 214, levelling, Good.

Thu May 21, 2026 1:45 pm

Rockerbilly, a multinational hedge fund broker, has revealed a significant growth in its hedges across the southern hemisphere this winter.

The results sent Rockerbilly shares soaring before financial managers were able to get a grip and bring them back down to earth, but they still finished up 19, with a 3.6 booner.

Hedge analyst, Matthew Baggerstockson, said the news revealed a pattern in hedge fund growth : "We have found that there's significantly more growth in hedge funds in the southern hemisphere during the winter months, while northern hemisphere hedges tend to perform better during the summer."

Tue May 19, 2026 1:42 pm

Cornean electronics giant, Billswang, has announced a 45 billion yum writedown on its mobile division after it was found to be largely immobile.

The massive factory was due to be moved down-river at the end of the FY, but engineers found that foundations had become set, barely 6 months after construction and 3 months since inital output began. Billswang share prices dropped a shedload on the news, with analysts predicting a full arsebagging by the Cornean government when it meets again next month.

BIllswang CEO Yim Long Tungsten declined to offer his resignation but did suggest he might set fire to the factory late one night and claim the insurance money.
Billswang closed down 400, with the ITSY split up three-quarters.

Sat May 16, 2026 1:54 pm

Measures of coping with pressure highlighted and recognised by alms, belt-tightening and illegal humours, base shifting. Up and double-up listings prepared by the wealthy.

Further pressures highlighted by the absence of things from the seventies, all legit and above aboard, large swings to the valley.
Six-percent proof, ten-percent proof of that, turbulent and chaotic maths symposium not likely to go down well with the traditionalists.

Up and double-up, full circular. Traffic. Teleport catapult, reflexive potential from off the board, and it's a terrible mess. "Ignore me" said analysts at city brokerage firm Loose, White and Gagging.

Fri May 15, 2026 2:17 pm

Oil prices had a turbulent ride yesterday, starting the day up 4% on rumours of so-called "squeaky doors" in the Balarian palace, before suffering a massive presumptious drop when sources cast doubts on the story.

By the end of the day, with both supply and demand having looked happy enough with their lunch, prices had returned to the levels they started at, and everyone went home satisfied with another day wasted.

Analysts at traders Loods, who have been in the oil business since the 13th century, suggested that "There's always a bit of turbulence when squeaky door rumours first appear, but most of the big beasts in this field are happy to ride the bull out up to the barn on this one". Oil closed at 6:30, 5:30 on the weekend.

Wed May 13, 2026 1:34 pm

The FUNDAQ has risen like leavened bread, up 44 and all along in promising early morning trading.

Borrowing 15 from its parents for the weekend, the outlook is bright and cheery with not a cross word, a slight scowl but still a merry disposition overall.

Analysts at Loose, White and Gagging shared the promising outlook over social networks, declaring "FUNDAQ makes us happier than a baby with a biscuit, we're jumping up and down like amphetamine-fuelled gibbons and there's no comedown on the horizon". A large ominous dark cloud then formed to the south and a cold wind began to blow.

Up 6 and down 4, not a chance.

Mon May 11, 2026 3:19 pm

Baker Massive Apple Turnovers Ltd revealed a massive turnover boost in their quarterly bandwagon report, which investors immediately jumped on, after a leap in sales of their famously large apple turnovers.

Massive Apple Turnovers CEO, Michael Turnover, announced the boost in a conference call to journalists along with detailed results for its subsidiaries : "Looking forward to next quarter, we're expecting a further massive turnover boost at Massive Apple Turnovers and not trifling profits in our Trifles subsidiary. However, we recommend shorting the Shortcrust Pastry division and expectations are low for Flans."

Shares in MAT Ltd were up 14 on the news by lunchtime, followed by a brief period of regret, before recovering well by tea-time with both the East Asian Diet and NY FUNDAQ registering positive hormones.