World >

Mon Sep 21, 2026 1:03 pm

Twice monthly now since its inception, the aspaniola batch has been sprung, leaving hesitant crowds dismayed.

Here in neighbouring Esta Monte Nuevo Grande Fulvera Popalotapuss, onlookers trudge mournfully back to their shabby little homesteads, reluctantly admitting that it is going to take at least one more clean 30-day period before the the aspaniola can remain unsprung.

Esta Monte Nuevo Grande Fulvera Popalotapuss resident, Snr Estaben Monte Nueve Grande Fulvera Popalotpuss III, confessed to our reporter that his disappointment was manifold, on a purely emotional level, sure, but also that he'd put a large amount of his family savings into shorts positions on an unsprung aspaniola and that this ongoing spring is likely to leave him, his family, all the residents of the town and the majority of the world's population with little reward for their efforts. But feck em, they deserve it.

Thu Sep 17, 2026 12:46 pm

The rare Walnut Bird, only seen twice in captivity (and then only at an angle), has been discovered to have a not-quite lemony flavour when roasted.

The Walnut bird - official latin name : Tamratalata Tamratalata Heyfarshowerpasboomdeyae - so named because of its resemblance, is one of the world's rarest birds with only two mating couples in the wild, which they literally are, given they were mating. Dr Samuel Arsinhandinson of the Royal Institute for the Prevention (RIP) has been studying these mating couples (obliquely) for the past 14 years, and declared the culinary satisfaction to be almost entirely not worth it.

"Normally a little squeeze of lemon on a dish adds a freshness, a zest, a little tickle of excitement for the tastebuds.. the roasted Walnut bird almost provides that in itself.. just not quite". Asked to compare the experience to, say, a sweet and sour chicken ball, Dr Arsinhandinson said: "I really don't have enough data yet. I'm gonna stare at the wall for a while and if I catch a glimpse of the other one I'll eat that and let you know. Perhaps we should try frying it in olive oil this time, with a squeeze of lime and some coriander."

Tue Sep 15, 2026 2:19 pm

Residents have appealed for urgent action following a spate of violet crime in Monotown.

This little-known community consists entirely of chromatophobes: every person, building, animal and plant has been either entirely black or entirely white since the town was founded in the early 1200s. Until now, that is: Monotownians are being attacked by persons unknown, who jump out of bushes at random and chuck paint all over them. The assailant and paint are always the same shade of purple.

We spoke to the latest victim, Cherry Red, who suffered second-degree splashing in an assault yesterday. "I was minding me own business when he just sort of did it out the blue," she said, adding, "I'll never get this out of me hair."

The Monotown Mayor, Darkness O'Whitely, has called for the PM to put an end to what he called "unspeakable violets", and asked if he could borrow a big cleaning machine to rid the streets of violet grime.

Police later discovered a palette knife used in the assault. In an official statement, Chief Inspector Black said: "The perpetrators here are real artists, and this is going to be a difficult case to crack. We're looking for a person of colour."

Fri Sep 11, 2026 1:38 pm

The tradition of the Imaginary Semi-Queen opening the yearly dogtail event stretches back to the early years of the semi-monarchy, and the current Semi-Queen has performed the necessary functions every year without fail since she first attended the ceremony in 1969. (Thats except for the period from 1983 to 1997 when the dogtail event was quarantined on health grounds, and between 2004 and 2012 when the Semi-Queen was quarantined on health grounds).

With the usual pomp, a dollop of ceremony and a poop-bag bursting at the seams, the Semi-Queen cut the ribbon that kept the tails together and once again was nearly swamped by a minor stampede of anesthesiologists looking for an edge and an opening into the second round. Unfortunately - slightly above the tally for last year's event - there were 14 serious injuries and 6 deaths during the opening salvos.

Most of the top 50 dogtail slots have now been decided with the second round commencing on the Parade Ground on Thursday.

Wed Sep 09, 2026 2:10 pm

A minor crisis has been overflowing on to the streets of the small Armernican town of Jetsam, after workers in the town's Refuse Collection department failed to parse their department's name correctly and began denying all requests outright.

Irate citizens with bins full to the brim (and beyond) are greeted by a large "No" when visiting the department's website, and phone-calls to their customer service department are redirected to an automated message declaring "Whatever it is you want, we're not having any of it, go away".

After some effort we managed to track down the department's head honcho, Zak Honcho, but he was too busy to speak to us - as, in a predictably unsurprising twist to the story, he was changing all the fuses in all the plugs in his house.

Mon Sep 07, 2026 1:41 pm

A giant pig has taken over Hamlet, forcing residents to seek shelter in the nearby village of Gammon.

The pig's motives are unclear, but speculation is rife.

With just two permanent residents Hamlet is the third smallest city in the country.

"It's ironic really," said Kevin Baconson, a pig refugee. "It's terrible here, and I've wanted to leave for ages, but I didn't read the lease properly and legally I had to stay until something like this happened."

He added, "my neighbour called to say he wanted to leave too, but his door was blocked by a pig's arse. So now it's just him. I love that pig."

Authorities are uncertain how to tackle the problem, and the pig was unable to comment.

Fri Sep 04, 2026 12:28 pm

Bethaniel's central Chatspur, who achieved passing interbolic fame a few years back at the time of his 3rd consecutive awakening, has repeated the feat for another year, bringing his tally to 5 (4 if you don't count the original).

Although Bethaniel residents are always happy to see the return of the now familiar visage, a few expressed some displeasure at the annual return of hoards of media whores, come to sell their Chatspur footage to the highest bidder.

"I have no problem with the Chatspur's annual cycle", said resident Joshua Perrenial, "and to be honest I don't mind the odd media whore, but it gets a bit much when you can't get to the local supermarket because they're all lined up in the alleys and tied to the guttering, getting in everyone's way."