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Fri Mar 07, 2025 11:05 am

After a trial lasting 7 days, a unanimous guilty verdict was delivered in the case of Horace Kingson, known popularly by the tabloid moniker, the 'Woodcutter'.

Kingson, 56, of Candar-on-Torrs, was found guilty on 6 counts of murder, 1 of manslaughter, and 3 of carpentry. In his summing up, Judge Edgar Yellinson told Mr Kingson that "you are an awful, most degraded person of the worst type. Not only did you kill these 7 innocent people, your sickened mind lead to you constructing furniture from them too. This perhaps would not have been so bad if it wasn't for the terribly poor quality of the furniture, which I wouldn't even use in the servant's quarters, let alone the main living area, as you yourself appear to have done."

Kingson was sentenced to serve 15 consecutive life-sentences, with a break at half-time for good behaviour.

Thu Mar 06, 2025 7:41 am

Early this morning, the mayor of El Piston in central Majisco revealed a new statue dedicated to town virgin, Mary Gonconsuelaz.

Standing over 6 feet tall and with a formidable base, Mary has been the pride of the town since becoming the first in it's history to complete school 'untarnished' 8 years ago. Since then a large number of admirers have attempted to breach the town's defenses, including one attempt involving an elaborate tunnel system, without success.

Attending the unveiling, Mary admitted that posing for the statue was a terrifying ordeal as it was the first time she had been let out of her tower since 2013.

Wed Mar 05, 2025 11:20 am

The Alliteration Virus that has baffled scientists since it was first discovered in the New Rain Forest is more dangerous than first realised, according to leading Venezonian Virologist, Victor Vesuvius.

The virus, which is thought to have evolved in the small population of echidna currently resident in Ecclesthorpe Zoo and Library, East Englia - introduced back to the New Rain Forest in an act of selfless environmentalism - is unique in that it appears only to affect humans who engage in extensive written communication.

This tiny group is already on the Government's "at-risk" list and considered Heritage-Only owing to its constant beleaguering by the anarchic forces of the YouthTube, whose stated purpose is to replace all forms of written communication with videos of youths playing video games, bearded youthful vikings throwing axes at melons, and attempts to scare nubile YouthTubers as they exit the shower wearing clown costumes.

In an extensive interview and dinner, Victor Vesuvius told INN that "the virus violates viral vectors" - by which, he later revealed, he means that nobody understands what it is, how it works, or whether it's actually a virus.

INN has instigated an immediate initiative to prepare prophylactic processes to prevent this vicious virus violating the editorial edifice of this venerable organ, while a third party review of INN content over the previous publication period reveals that the organ has so far declined to rise to the challenge.

Sat Mar 01, 2025 9:23 am

The Danoosh Kareeem, which strikes South Marmurnia in a regular seven-year cycle, has this year reached levels never previously recorded.

The giant swelling is now 4 times larger than in a non-Kareeem year, and up 15% on the peak at last cycle.

Local resident, Pini Timpanilim, described how it has affected life in their small village in northern South Marmurnia : "Our village life is normally peaceful and quiet, the seasons come and go, we welcome each winter with eyes open, and each summer with our arms outstretched. In Autumn we sit in circles, and in Spring we have each other round for tea. The Danoosh Kareeem changes our lives, this year we have our eyes downcast.".

Thu Feb 27, 2025 9:49 am

Kiwiland's annual celebration of Kiwi Floating gets underway today with hundreds of people already gathering around lakes and large puddles, kiwi in hand, ready to see if they float.

The tradition has been a yearly event in Kiwiland since the 12th century, when Dutch pioneers first discovered the birds resting next to a lake in the province of Watunatonger. Back then the Dutch sailors were a superstitious and cautious people who believed many of the birds contained the spirits of witches ; by throwing the flightless birds into the lake they were able to determine which were witches and which weren't witches - which ones floated were witches, and the others that didn't which weren't witch.

Though the tradition continues today largely unchanged, in our more enlightened times we know that all Kiwis float and all are witches. Still worth chucking them into a lake before eating them though, just to make sure.

Tue Feb 25, 2025 1:30 am

Sixteen people died during the weekend's dust up events in Euronia, with nine losing their lives in a single event, believed to be relating to a stray under-rimmed fingerplant.

Euronian president, Jean-Michael Bonbon, expressed great sadness at the news, stating "Obviously, we are greatly saddened by the events of the weekend, especially following such a long period without any serious injuries. We'll be instigating a full investigation."

85 year old Leonard Villeneuve, who has attended every dust up since 1953, said "Everyone knows this is a dangerous event. No-one does it without understanding the risks. They understood the risks in 1953 and they understand them now. I'm just surprised more people haven't died, its really stupid."

Sun Feb 23, 2025 9:11 am

Two months ago, a poorly maintained boning joint in the Shangentao blast furnace in North Marmurnia resulted in an explosion that registered on seismic detectors on the other side of the planet.

Though, luckily, only a few people were killed in the explosion, the blast furnace was a key component in the Marmurnian economy, and its loss triggered an economic collapse that devastated the lives of the Marmurnian peasants living in the region. Thousands have died from malnutrition, typhoid is now rife and millions are now living in abject poverty.

On the bright side, the crater left by the exploding furnace has become a sanctuary for ducks, who like having a paddle in the little lake that has formed there.