World >

Wed Jun 10, 2026 1:56 pm

The usually placid streets of Titiwanna, capital city of Pimplonesia since post-colonial independence expansion in 1965, were the focus of a rare bout of horticulturally themed ceramic shunning this evening.

Residents of the sleepy capital district, north of the river, at the foot of the Ankle mountains, connected by rail to the Shinbone valley, downstream from Kneebone Springs, had their unique Hibiscus kilns ready to fire when power-hungry aristocrats, dressed head to foot in clinicians robes and living on a borrowed appetite, pored scorn on the asymmetrical castings and unergonomic handle shaping.

Mother of three, Four, and her other two daughters, Won and Too, admitted to being somewhat perplexed by the aristocracy's sudden interest in their craft : "I do not understand" she claimed.

The Hibiscus was replaced by Cardamon pods before the kilns were started up in anger.

Mon Jun 08, 2026 1:43 pm

A new study from the Hirsuit Institute suggests a relationship between indecent behaviour and going bald.

Researchers investigated the hair loss and indecency habits of more than eleven volunteers in a secret location in Littlethin, Froomshire. Tests included showing pictures of bald people to people with hair, showing pictures of hair to bald people, and videotaping people when they didn't think anybody was watching. Each test subject was given a stress toy, and measured intently.

"Honestly, the things they did with those toys made me sick, so we're fairly sure that there is some kind of link," said Hirsute Institute CEO, Harry Allover.

"The trouble is, we don't know whether it's your ********* hair falling out that makes you act like a **** and say **** all the time, or that it's saying **** and doing disgusting things with stress toys that makes your ********** hair fall out."

"It's really feckin me off," he added.

Belinda McArty, Minister for Less of This Sort of Thing, called for less of this sort of thing to be going on.

Fri Jun 05, 2026 12:23 pm

A so-called 'Super' man, who claimed to be able to travel faster than a speeding bullet, tonight shot himself in the face.

In the incident, which police and observers have described as "Very Stupid", an erotically charged and peculiarly clad young gentleman of the Super persuasion was observed mixing metaphors at a speed exceeding that of cheetahs, high-speed trains, sound and bullets (although not light).

Speaking after the event bystander Johnny Bystanderson pondered ".. how come I'm always seeing these kind of things happen but, as much as I try, I never seem to be directly involved". Our reporter was rapidly on the scene, taking account of all the goings on, before heading off to the pub.

Wed Jun 03, 2026 12:27 pm

An Octopus has become completely stuck in a jar after showing off to his marine mates.

Following derisive hoots from a nearby basking shark, the octopus was goaded into demonstrating his jar opening skills, and then continued on and climbed right in. Bruce Fishson, from the Academy of Aquatic Studies, said "Its well known that octopuses can open jars and climb into them, so I don't really know what he was trying to prove. Its also well known that they can't get out of jars at all, so he was a bit daft doing it if you ask me."

Lifeguards have decided to wait for a few more days to see if the jar drops off naturally, but if not they plan to pour salt all over the poor creature, because they know that kills slugs and they think it might work on octopuses too.

Mon Jun 01, 2026 1:46 pm

Startling documents released from the Armernican National Archives this week detail how the government's security forces forged a clear link between Polska Mininimshikov, a man famed for his Rasuputin-like appearance, with the previously unexplained death of Kimchi Sagaloo, one of the world's earliest pre-Elvis Elvis impersonators.

Kimchi was touring midwest Armernican with his notorious blend of large collared oversized white suits, dazzling jewellery and incoherent crooning 6 years before the real Elvis was born. It was on a stopover at all-night bar and disco, "Jimmy Fan's", that Kimchi met his fate - his remains being found by local law enforcement agencies at 6am, 8:30am and 11:15am the following morning.

The connection between Polska and Kimchi's death had already been suggested in journalist Michael Goombander's 1985 book, "Death of a Prelvis", but this is the first time that the government's awareness of the link has been made public. A spokesman said "Uhh uhh.. suede shoes.. uhhh.. thankyooverrymuch.. mama."

Fri May 29, 2026 12:15 pm

After a series of reports of dangerously shrunken hipster users causing fundamental damage to society, it has today been discovered that none of it was true.

Speaking to reporters outside Hipster Central, Head Hipster, Felatio Dynamison, confessed "the whole thing has been a great misunderstanding. Those hipsters we thought were tiny were actually just significantly further away, and this mistake was compounded by a series of rather simplistic photoshop jobs".

"We apologies to all those families affected", he claimed, though we have no evidence to believe anything he says anymore, especially without obviously photoshopped pictorial evidence.

Wed May 27, 2026 1:38 pm

Delays to trains on the line are caused by the number of trains online, according to Major Granston Pritchard, the famous inheritor of the Pritchard Granston fortune.

In a prepared statement, Pritchard responded to growing annoyance at delays on the popular Great North South Track, which carries upwards of ten hundred angry commuters daily between Biggleswitch and Cundington.

In her statement, Pritchard blamed "the Bubble" for the 1,500% increase in missed points, urgent pull-outs and rear endings that were highlighted in the Government's Bitching report last month.

"Things have clearly got worse since trains were given access to the Bubble," she said. "While every train takes its vows seriously at the time, a life spent going only forwards is almost inevitably going to lead to the kind of pulchritudinous vicissitudes that the Bubble brings to young and thrusting members in our industry.

"Dirty boilers, heavy bush and the like are having a significant impact on productivity. Our recommendation is for less of this sort of thing, and possibly a state-sponsored shunt, once a month, for affected engines."

Tedrard Bokesworthy, the president of the Tracks and That Society, said: "It's high time this problem had the attention it deserves, and if giving our trains access to regulated grease is what it takes to get them out of the bush, then that is what should be done."

We wrote to Great North South Trains asking for comment, but they didn't answer the phone.