World >

Wed Jan 08, 2025 7:38 am

Delays to trains on the line are caused by the number of trains online, according to Major Granston Pritchard, the famous inheritor of the Pritchard Granston fortune.

In a prepared statement, Pritchard responded to growing annoyance at delays on the popular Great North South Track, which carries upwards of ten hundred angry commuters daily between Biggleswitch and Cundington.

In her statement, Pritchard blamed "the Bubble" for the 1,500% increase in missed points, urgent pull-outs and rear endings that were highlighted in the Government's Bitching report last month.

"Things have clearly got worse since trains were given access to the Bubble," she said. "While every train takes its vows seriously at the time, a life spent going only forwards is almost inevitably going to lead to the kind of pulchritudinous vicissitudes that the Bubble brings to young and thrusting members in our industry.

"Dirty boilers, heavy bush and the like are having a significant impact on productivity. Our recommendation is for less of this sort of thing, and possibly a state-sponsored shunt, once a month, for affected engines."

Tedrard Bokesworthy, the president of the Tracks and That Society, said: "It's high time this problem had the attention it deserves, and if giving our trains access to regulated grease is what it takes to get them out of the bush, then that is what should be done."

We wrote to Great North South Trains asking for comment, but they didn't answer the phone.

Sun Jan 05, 2025 8:32 am

A man says he has been attacked by a tiny flying shark, in the first recorded attack in Nordingway since records began.

Dsvenson Bradawlson claims he was only dancing, and halfway through Jackson Jones' iconic record, "Where's My Funk", when the attack took place.

"There I was, just funking about, when all of a sudden half of my bloody nose disappeared," he said. "I didn't really get a good look at whatever did it, but holy cheese, look at that scar! That can only be a really small flying shark."

After barely passing drug and sanity checks, the Nordingway authorities reluctantly decided to take Mr. Bradawlson's claim a bit more seriously.

"He said it didn't have lasers or anything, which was quite disappointing," said Prof. Hajerson, a local expert. "I don't really know what to do next."

Nordingway scientists are now being rather careful and not going to the beach quite as often.

Fri Jan 03, 2025 8:20 am

A glut of miniature hipsters has meant the recent Imaginary Royal Parks festival could cut costs by using a badly-photoshopped 32inch TV instead of the usual big screen.

A recent survey found that over 70% of youngsters across the world have either been directly involved, or know someone who has been directly involved, or have met someone who had a friend that knew someone who has been directly involved, in the dangerous craze - a combination of drugs that has a permanent reductive effect on stature.

Regular sized person, Jimmy Hitchinson, said "It is starting to become difficult to tell the difference between these tiny hipster users and children who just happen to be very small, especially when they don't have a beard", while 2ft 3in hipster Marcus Gipperson just squeaked like a little mouse and did mouse actions with his tiny hands.

There have now been over 200 fatalities worldwide, with the tiny hipsters frequently falling down the drains and drowning.

Thu Jan 02, 2025 7:44 am

Euronia's 23 Imaginary member states voted unanimously (with 6 against and 14 abstentions) to ban Boson Turping, which they claim is to blame for significant levels of environment.

Bosons have been turped since the early days of the Industrial Revolution, when manufacturers of cotton weaving equipment first began experimenting with the process to reduce it's squeakiness. Campaigner Jean-Michel Petit-Boulognaise celebrated the vote : "Zis is a great day for ze peeples who are against the Boson Turping, c'est bon! Ou est ma chien?" and was soon dancing in the disco (bumper to bumper) like it was the early 1990s.

But the Boson national senate declared itself outraged by the news, "This is a sad day for Euronia, a blatant attack on the liberty of Bosons. We will protest the vote at the highest levels. We will continue to turp ourselves, it is not the Euronia parliament's decision to make".

Mon Dec 30, 2024 6:58 am

An Imaginary soldier received the Ballsey Cross for bravery during a special ceremony at Waresior Palace this week.

The soldier, who cannot be named for security reasons, was referred to only as 'Sergeant Two'.

When 'Sergeant One' was badly injured by enemy fire, the Ballsey winner led troops on a daring mission to rescue 235 innocent civilians imprisoned by a Foreign Power, which also cannot be named.

The military veteran, who is due to retire next week, shouted at our reporter that he plans to publish an account of the action.

His book,Two's Company Frees a Crowd, should be in shops in time for Eczemas.

Wed Dec 25, 2024 7:33 am

Teenagers in Armernica have been warned of the dangers of a new 'shrinking' craze that has been spreading across the Mid-West.

Hipster children as young as 13 have been found taking combinations of Imaginary designer drugs Peppincolocide and Laburnium, which can result in irreversible reductions in stature. Bobby Ratsenburger, 15, has been using the drugs for 4 years, and is now just 2ft 6 : "Its just a bit of a laugh, innit, bro. We's, like, funning it up with the high-pitched voices n shizzle" or some such.

But there is a darker side, with medical services having reported over 100 serious cases, including numerous injuries caused by 'normal' sized people accidentally stepping on the tiny hipster users. There have also been 4 reported fatalities, one being caused when an active 'PeppiLaber' fell down a crack in the pavement. (Or 'Sidewalk' as it is known in Armernica).

Tue Dec 24, 2024 7:40 am

The small, quiet village of Lower Jasonbury rarely appears in the news, so residents were surprised when a vast flotilla of international media teams arrived to witness the latest project of experienced tree surgeon, Walter Yabberson.

The large, aged oak that stands in the centre of the village square finally succumbed to a mould infection early this year and since then has developed a dangerous lean. Assessors from the Rural Communities Board determined that if the tree were not removed there was a risk that it could fall and damage the nearby pub "The Baker's Legs", and so Yabberson was called in.

But it was when Yabberson announced his controversial approach to the tree's removal that international media began to pay attention ; Yabberson is removing the tree from the bottom up. "This method has not been attempted before" said Yabberson, "but it appears to be going well so far".