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Thu Nov 21, 2024 8:27 am

Tribal leaders from across South Marmurnian have gathered in the Marmunian capital for their once-every-decade conference which decides future political direction across the continent.

Topics being discussed this time around include the postulation of the grievances of the Higher Plapoon, the segmentation of Dameshilapan, how to address high levels of tarpinbandwat in the River Diplongu and the construction of the world's largest Jamesh.

The conference takes place over 12 days, concluding in a giant fireworks display where all the leaders stand hand in hand before the Head Chief lights the final Hootabanti.

Wed Nov 20, 2024 8:45 am

Reports of an escalating conflict between Shusshia and Ohshusshia have been validated, causing consternation in global political circles who have no policy to deal with national self-flagellation.

The Shusshia / Ohshusshia relationship has puzzled Imaginary politicians since it was revealed in a postcard sent to our offices just over two weeks ago.

According to our overseas correspondent, Jonny Foreigner, relations with the highly secretive Shusshian Conglomerate have been largely non-existent, as the country has remained isolated, with travel disallowed and international communications banned.

The postcard, therefore, was quite a surprise: it announced that the country had started a war amongst itself and had declared self-independence, forming the Oshusshian Defectorate enclave - which was now officially at War with Shusshia, Oshusshia and anything that resembled it.

A UN council meeting was rapidly convened in which all 173 participating members agreed to vote against themselves in order to abstain from a peaceful resolution.

Mon Nov 18, 2024 7:03 am

Twice monthly now since its inception, the aspaniola batch has been sprung, leaving hesitant crowds dismayed.

Here in neighbouring Esta Monte Nuevo Grande Fulvera Popalotapuss, onlookers trudge mournfully back to their shabby little homesteads, reluctantly admitting that it is going to take at least one more clean 30-day period before the the aspaniola can remain unsprung.

Esta Monte Nuevo Grande Fulvera Popalotapuss resident, Snr Estaben Monte Nueve Grande Fulvera Popalotpuss III, confessed to our reporter that his disappointment was manifold, on a purely emotional level, sure, but also that he'd put a large amount of his family savings into shorts positions on an unsprung aspaniola and that this ongoing spring is likely to leave him, his family, all the residents of the town and the majority of the world's population with little reward for their efforts. But feck em, they deserve it.

Thu Nov 14, 2024 6:46 am

The rare Walnut Bird, only seen twice in captivity (and then only at an angle), has been discovered to have a not-quite lemony flavour when roasted.

The Walnut bird - official latin name : Tamratalata Tamratalata Heyfarshowerpasboomdeyae - so named because of its resemblance, is one of the world's rarest birds with only two mating couples in the wild, which they literally are, given they were mating. Dr Samuel Arsinhandinson of the Royal Institute for the Prevention (RIP) has been studying these mating couples (obliquely) for the past 14 years, and declared the culinary satisfaction to be almost entirely not worth it.

"Normally a little squeeze of lemon on a dish adds a freshness, a zest, a little tickle of excitement for the tastebuds.. the roasted Walnut bird almost provides that in itself.. just not quite". Asked to compare the experience to, say, a sweet and sour chicken ball, Dr Arsinhandinson said: "I really don't have enough data yet. I'm gonna stare at the wall for a while and if I catch a glimpse of the other one I'll eat that and let you know. Perhaps we should try frying it in olive oil this time, with a squeeze of lime and some coriander."

Tue Nov 12, 2024 8:19 am

Residents have appealed for urgent action following a spate of violet crime in Monotown.

This little-known community consists entirely of chromatophobes: every person, building, animal and plant has been either entirely black or entirely white since the town was founded in the early 1200s. Until now, that is: Monotownians are being attacked by persons unknown, who jump out of bushes at random and chuck paint all over them. The assailant and paint are always the same shade of purple.

We spoke to the latest victim, Cherry Red, who suffered second-degree splashing in an assault yesterday. "I was minding me own business when he just sort of did it out the blue," she said, adding, "I'll never get this out of me hair."

The Monotown Mayor, Darkness O'Whitely, has called for the PM to put an end to what he called "unspeakable violets", and asked if he could borrow a big cleaning machine to rid the streets of violet grime.

Police later discovered a palette knife used in the assault. In an official statement, Chief Inspector Black said: "The perpetrators here are real artists, and this is going to be a difficult case to crack. We're looking for a person of colour."

Fri Nov 08, 2024 7:38 am

The tradition of the Imaginary Semi-Queen opening the yearly dogtail event stretches back to the early years of the semi-monarchy, and the current Semi-Queen has performed the necessary functions every year without fail since she first attended the ceremony in 1969. (Thats except for the period from 1983 to 1997 when the dogtail event was quarantined on health grounds, and between 2004 and 2012 when the Semi-Queen was quarantined on health grounds).

With the usual pomp, a dollop of ceremony and a poop-bag bursting at the seams, the Semi-Queen cut the ribbon that kept the tails together and once again was nearly swamped by a minor stampede of anesthesiologists looking for an edge and an opening into the second round. Unfortunately - slightly above the tally for last year's event - there were 14 serious injuries and 6 deaths during the opening salvos.

Most of the top 50 dogtail slots have now been decided with the second round commencing on the Parade Ground on Thursday.

Wed Nov 06, 2024 8:10 am

A minor crisis has been overflowing on to the streets of the small Armernican town of Jetsam, after workers in the town's Refuse Collection department failed to parse their department's name correctly and began denying all requests outright.

Irate citizens with bins full to the brim (and beyond) are greeted by a large "No" when visiting the department's website, and phone-calls to their customer service department are redirected to an automated message declaring "Whatever it is you want, we're not having any of it, go away".

After some effort we managed to track down the department's head honcho, Zak Honcho, but he was too busy to speak to us - as, in a predictably unsurprising twist to the story, he was changing all the fuses in all the plugs in his house.