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Wed Mar 11, 2026 12:27 pm

An Octopus has become completely stuck in a jar after showing off to his marine mates.

Following derisive hoots from a nearby basking shark, the octopus was goaded into demonstrating his jar opening skills, and then continued on and climbed right in. Bruce Fishson, from the Academy of Aquatic Studies, said "Its well known that octopuses can open jars and climb into them, so I don't really know what he was trying to prove. Its also well known that they can't get out of jars at all, so he was a bit daft doing it if you ask me."

Lifeguards have decided to wait for a few more days to see if the jar drops off naturally, but if not they plan to pour salt all over the poor creature, because they know that kills slugs and they think it might work on octopuses too.

Mon Mar 09, 2026 1:46 pm

Startling documents released from the Armernican National Archives this week detail how the government's security forces forged a clear link between Polska Mininimshikov, a man famed for his Rasuputin-like appearance, with the previously unexplained death of Kimchi Sagaloo, one of the world's earliest pre-Elvis Elvis impersonators.

Kimchi was touring midwest Armernican with his notorious blend of large collared oversized white suits, dazzling jewellery and incoherent crooning 6 years before the real Elvis was born. It was on a stopover at all-night bar and disco, "Jimmy Fan's", that Kimchi met his fate - his remains being found by local law enforcement agencies at 6am, 8:30am and 11:15am the following morning.

The connection between Polska and Kimchi's death had already been suggested in journalist Michael Goombander's 1985 book, "Death of a Prelvis", but this is the first time that the government's awareness of the link has been made public. A spokesman said "Uhh uhh.. suede shoes.. uhhh.. thankyooverrymuch.. mama."

Fri Mar 06, 2026 12:15 pm

After a series of reports of dangerously shrunken hipster users causing fundamental damage to society, it has today been discovered that none of it was true.

Speaking to reporters outside Hipster Central, Head Hipster, Felatio Dynamison, confessed "the whole thing has been a great misunderstanding. Those hipsters we thought were tiny were actually just significantly further away, and this mistake was compounded by a series of rather simplistic photoshop jobs".

"We apologies to all those families affected", he claimed, though we have no evidence to believe anything he says anymore, especially without obviously photoshopped pictorial evidence.

Wed Mar 04, 2026 1:38 pm

Delays to trains on the line are caused by the number of trains online, according to Major Granston Pritchard, the famous inheritor of the Pritchard Granston fortune.

In a prepared statement, Pritchard responded to growing annoyance at delays on the popular Great North South Track, which carries upwards of ten hundred angry commuters daily between Biggleswitch and Cundington.

In her statement, Pritchard blamed "the Bubble" for the 1,500% increase in missed points, urgent pull-outs and rear endings that were highlighted in the Government's Bitching report last month.

"Things have clearly got worse since trains were given access to the Bubble," she said. "While every train takes its vows seriously at the time, a life spent going only forwards is almost inevitably going to lead to the kind of pulchritudinous vicissitudes that the Bubble brings to young and thrusting members in our industry.

"Dirty boilers, heavy bush and the like are having a significant impact on productivity. Our recommendation is for less of this sort of thing, and possibly a state-sponsored shunt, once a month, for affected engines."

Tedrard Bokesworthy, the president of the Tracks and That Society, said: "It's high time this problem had the attention it deserves, and if giving our trains access to regulated grease is what it takes to get them out of the bush, then that is what should be done."

We wrote to Great North South Trains asking for comment, but they didn't answer the phone.

Sun Mar 01, 2026 2:32 pm

A man says he has been attacked by a tiny flying shark, in the first recorded attack in Nordingway since records began.

Dsvenson Bradawlson claims he was only dancing, and halfway through Jackson Jones' iconic record, "Where's My Funk", when the attack took place.

"There I was, just funking about, when all of a sudden half of my bloody nose disappeared," he said. "I didn't really get a good look at whatever did it, but holy cheese, look at that scar! That can only be a really small flying shark."

After barely passing drug and sanity checks, the Nordingway authorities reluctantly decided to take Mr. Bradawlson's claim a bit more seriously.

"He said it didn't have lasers or anything, which was quite disappointing," said Prof. Hajerson, a local expert. "I don't really know what to do next."

Nordingway scientists are now being rather careful and not going to the beach quite as often.

Fri Feb 27, 2026 2:20 pm

A glut of miniature hipsters has meant the recent Imaginary Royal Parks festival could cut costs by using a badly-photoshopped 32inch TV instead of the usual big screen.

A recent survey found that over 70% of youngsters across the world have either been directly involved, or know someone who has been directly involved, or have met someone who had a friend that knew someone who has been directly involved, in the dangerous craze - a combination of drugs that has a permanent reductive effect on stature.

Regular sized person, Jimmy Hitchinson, said "It is starting to become difficult to tell the difference between these tiny hipster users and children who just happen to be very small, especially when they don't have a beard", while 2ft 3in hipster Marcus Gipperson just squeaked like a little mouse and did mouse actions with his tiny hands.

There have now been over 200 fatalities worldwide, with the tiny hipsters frequently falling down the drains and drowning.

Thu Feb 26, 2026 1:44 pm

Euronia's 23 Imaginary member states voted unanimously (with 6 against and 14 abstentions) to ban Boson Turping, which they claim is to blame for significant levels of environment.

Bosons have been turped since the early days of the Industrial Revolution, when manufacturers of cotton weaving equipment first began experimenting with the process to reduce it's squeakiness. Campaigner Jean-Michel Petit-Boulognaise celebrated the vote : "Zis is a great day for ze peeples who are against the Boson Turping, c'est bon! Ou est ma chien?" and was soon dancing in the disco (bumper to bumper) like it was the early 1990s.

But the Boson national senate declared itself outraged by the news, "This is a sad day for Euronia, a blatant attack on the liberty of Bosons. We will protest the vote at the highest levels. We will continue to turp ourselves, it is not the Euronia parliament's decision to make".