Arts & Entertainment >

Wed May 20, 2026 2:43 pm

Tiny rappity-hop superstar, Blue Prince, returned from an enforced period in the wilderness to perform tonight at Burninghum's infamous Complexity Pit.

Some five months after the scheduled start time, the diminutive rapper-cum-tattoo artist leapt onto the stage on fire, but had to repeat his trademark entrance: the first time because nobody noticed, and the second because he set off the sprinklers.

The Complexity Pit is one of the largest venues in Euronia and is renowned for its labyrinthine tunnel system, which ensures that no more than 6% of ticket buyers ever see the show they paid for.

Most bodies are never recovered, but on the BP's third attempt to start the show, the remaining audience didn't seem to mind, and were treated to a melange of hyper-bass over sub-bass memes while the Blue Prince himself described ever decreasing circles, plaintively weeping:

"It was emotional / photoshopped and notional / Everybody talkin' bout the lil' Blue Prince! / Everybody love the lil' lil' Blue Prince!"

In the traditional second-half chair-standing, for the benefit of audience members who couldn't afford the TNY9,000 front row tickets, BP rattled through songs from his latest album, "Rattles ain't just for babies", including the seminal "It's me":

"I gotta be honest wid' you / It ain't just me per se / Oh wait no it is / It is it is it is"

He then fell off his chair, to the rapturous applause of the three people left.

2/10

Mon May 18, 2026 12:11 pm

Now, cases lined up all the sleeping joints, bedding down with the likely lads, that fountain of youth untapped again. Its pokey-pokey and limited to the auburn, the warm, uh oh thats the fire alarms! but its nearly the holidays so you are all forgiven, phew!

Those sip-sleeves awash in stale wine which must have seen better days, yet again chanting and reminiscing like we did in the early years.
I'm terrific, thanks, mother, why are you even asking.

An AI refused to generate this article.

Fri May 15, 2026 2:17 pm

There's not a lot you can't say about legend, Benny Brucebar, Jazz pioneer, scat backer, marquee salesman.

This album, recorded live at the Smokehouse in Benny's native Chincinago 6 years after his death, manages to capture the essence of a man who could never be pigeon-holed. Borrowing from his earlier recordings and using an elaborate system of wires, producer Jack 'The Lemon' Squeezer has made an album that is both timeless and of it's time, that exists in space and outside of it, that burrows through the gaps in the mind and slips down the back alley of consciousness into a warm bed of decaying flesh, and out the other side into a farmyard full of crying animals waiting to meet their maker.

The second track on the album, the eponymously named 'Eponymously', encompasses the full range of Brucebar's work in a single, delirious 35 minute extravaganza, syncopated blues rhythms melting sonorously into free-jazz, swiping sidelong with back of the fag-packet free-form algebra, before returning back to its origins with a full rectal-reentry.

In a word: Frequently.

1/5

Tue May 12, 2026 1:41 pm

Gitench performance artist, Michel Pappinion, has crossed the channel to bring us his latest piece entitled "Pappinion boulez j'ai bouccet mon hesuit".

Pappinion, clad in gold paint, bores down through the planet's crust to retrieve giant diamonds as big as your head, returning to the surface in vapour form ; a gas filtering through sedimentary rocks. With giant papier-mache wings attached to all three legs, he commences a dance 'tres exotic', as they say in Gitance, staged onlookers soon join, naked except for their clothes and wearing masks to cover their expressions of glee/boredom.

When the dance completes air is trapped inside and is set alight, a bright blue flame surrounding the audience until we are all slightly charred, backlit up until about the start of christmas, but warm and confident thanks to Pappinion's pulsating rhythms.

We are transfixed with PVA for most of the performance, Pappinion splurging from side to side and rarely touching the ground, and then its all over, just like it began.

Pappinion will be performing daily outside the capital's North Bank theatre through December. Tickets are free.

Sun May 10, 2026 2:16 pm

Mainstream broadcaster IBTV has a hit on its hands with its new reality show that uses the latest time travel techniques to confine a group of famous philosophers in a modernist designed house for 8 weeks.

During the first episode we watched Descartes conclude that everything is ultimately real, insisting that he must exist because something has to exist in order to do that questioning, sitting in a big plush armchair and smoking. Plato meanwhile, after a brief tryst with Schrodinger in the hot-tub, repeated his assertion of two realms of reality, physical and spiritual - forcibly trying to convince his housemates (and the viewing public) of the imperfection of the physical realm waving a half-empty bottle of white wine at the hidden cameras.

As we've come to expect, Neitzsche put a minor downer on the episode by denying everything, insisting its all wrong and generally just being a dick about it all, but thankfully was the first to be voted out by his other housemates.

Expect fireworks in next week's public vote as Socrates goes up against Russell in the weekly 'trial' to earn extra food for the house.

Fri May 08, 2026 12:45 pm

This week, after a long period of acclimatisation and gradual weaning from their surrogate breast-host, six cinemas have been released into the wild in the marshy peatlands just north of Dumplank. All six cinemas were seen gamboling joyfully before disappearing into the dense undergrowth.

The release comes after years of patient care and training by the volunteer group who discovered the cinemas in a disused mineshaft 8 years ago. It is believed the cinemas were left there after being captured by a rogue gang of confused horse bandits who completely lost track of time.

It is hoped the successful release of the cinemas will encourage the eventual release of other rescued buildings, including a multi-storey car-park that has been hand-reared since being found in a discarded bin-bag when it was just a baby.

Mon May 04, 2026 5:08 pm

By the time the Mudpickers arrived on stage, most of the small audience were already well gone, having taken advantage of the bar's special 180-minute long 'Happy Hour' offer during the sound-check and not looked back since.

Lead singer Bruce Wickson sauntered unsteadily to the microphone to a ripple of friendly applause and a mild, joyful heckle from close friend Mickey Saunderson (sitting near the back with an extra pint of Amstel, just in case) who ironically suggested that the band should "Get off".

Unfazed, the Mudpickers leapt deliberately into their opening standard "Why won't you let me bury you in the garden?", with its surprisingly melodic guitar riff (ably replicated by stand-in guitarist Jerry Frison, who had managed to learn most of the band's repertoire in the afternoon rehearsal) and its plaintive chorus, "I ain't done nothing wrong // and hey i promise it won't take long // come on babe give me a pardon // why won't you let me bury you in the garden?".

The rest of the set was somewhat less polished, and by the second half of the epic 45 minute, psy-jazz freakout that is "Purge in D minor", most of the audience had moved to the quieter half of the bar where they could drink shots and chat about the recent behaviour of their sexually adventurous friend, Kenny Bootson.

2.5/5