Arts & Entertainment >

Wed Jan 08, 2025 7:39 am

In Walter Cunninghamson's second novel he explores the dichotomy between Imaginary science and mysticism in different shoes.

Interwoven throughout the dense prose (covering almost all of the pages except some bits at the front and one or two bits at the back) is an undercurrent of regret suggesting that the lead character (played by Kevin Spacey) could really have done with some comfortable slippers, rather than the rigid formal shoes he wears throughout the performance.

In the second act of the novel, which is somewhat badly timed as it commences just before the ad-break, the reader may find themselves somewhat distracted by a phone call from a friend or neighbour, possibly suggesting a trip out to the pub or other such establishment. But its worth sticking with it - perhaps suggest going out for a bigger session at the weekend? - because the finale is a rip-roaring rollercoaster ride through prairie fields full of joy and winklepickers.

3.5/5

Tue Jan 07, 2025 5:56 am

Imaginary news reporter, Brian Shuttleson, admitted today that he had recently been forced to spike one of his own stories after realising the headline was "really grossly offensive on a number of levels".

"At first I thought I could get away with it", said Shuttleson, sitting at the infamous corner table of The Baker's Legs, "but I read it back again and realised there was no way it was gonna happen. I almost puked".

Temporary Editor of the Imaginary News, Joanna Notherstick, was disappointed but philosophical : "Obviously its a shame for the young lad. We were hoping for big things from this story but in the end we all agreed that he'd made the right decision. And its not the fear of litigation, it was just too damn gross.".

Sat Jan 04, 2025 6:22 am

Travellers, youth and all-aged party animals attending this year's 'Festipark', the annual sub-cultural celebration of all things 'off-the-beaten-track', were apparently shocked by the thing that they least expected, unsurprised by the things they were warned about and simultaneously aroused and slightly dismayed by the repeated touching of parts by festival organisers.

Held each year in the North Wood, 'Festipark' attracts all sorts - from daft young hippychicks with no sense of decency, to little old men covered in plaster of paris - and this year's crowd certainly proved to be a few liqourices short of a packet.

Guided into the Wood by grateful volunteers, casually dismissing the threatening heads on stakes that lined the pathway, partygoers soon experienced the unique sensation of being ground in a giant mincing machine and made into burgers.

Wed Jan 01, 2025 8:43 am

Tiny rappity-hop superstar, Blue Prince, returned from an enforced period in the wilderness to perform tonight at Burninghum's infamous Complexity Pit.

Some five months after the scheduled start time, the diminutive rapper-cum-tattoo artist leapt onto the stage on fire, but had to repeat his trademark entrance: the first time because nobody noticed, and the second because he set off the sprinklers.

The Complexity Pit is one of the largest venues in Euronia and is renowned for its labyrinthine tunnel system, which ensures that no more than 6% of ticket buyers ever see the show they paid for.

Most bodies are never recovered, but on the BP's third attempt to start the show, the remaining audience didn't seem to mind, and were treated to a melange of hyper-bass over sub-bass memes while the Blue Prince himself described ever decreasing circles, plaintively weeping:

"It was emotional / photoshopped and notional / Everybody talkin' bout the lil' Blue Prince! / Everybody love the lil' lil' Blue Prince!"

In the traditional second-half chair-standing, for the benefit of audience members who couldn't afford the TNY9,000 front row tickets, BP rattled through songs from his latest album, "Rattles ain't just for babies", including the seminal "It's me":

"I gotta be honest wid' you / It ain't just me per se / Oh wait no it is / It is it is it is"

He then fell off his chair, to the rapturous applause of the three people left.

2/10

Mon Dec 30, 2024 6:11 am

Now, cases lined up all the sleeping joints, bedding down with the likely lads, that fountain of youth untapped again. Its pokey-pokey and limited to the auburn, the warm, uh oh thats the fire alarms! but its nearly the holidays so you are all forgiven, phew!

Those sip-sleeves awash in stale wine which must have seen better days, yet again chanting and reminiscing like we did in the early years.
I'm terrific, thanks, mother, why are you even asking.

An AI refused to generate this article.

Fri Dec 27, 2024 8:17 am

There's not a lot you can't say about legend, Benny Brucebar, Jazz pioneer, scat backer, marquee salesman.

This album, recorded live at the Smokehouse in Benny's native Chincinago 6 years after his death, manages to capture the essence of a man who could never be pigeon-holed. Borrowing from his earlier recordings and using an elaborate system of wires, producer Jack 'The Lemon' Squeezer has made an album that is both timeless and of it's time, that exists in space and outside of it, that burrows through the gaps in the mind and slips down the back alley of consciousness into a warm bed of decaying flesh, and out the other side into a farmyard full of crying animals waiting to meet their maker.

The second track on the album, the eponymously named 'Eponymously', encompasses the full range of Brucebar's work in a single, delirious 35 minute extravaganza, syncopated blues rhythms melting sonorously into free-jazz, swiping sidelong with back of the fag-packet free-form algebra, before returning back to its origins with a full rectal-reentry.

In a word: Frequently.

1/5

Tue Dec 24, 2024 7:41 am

Gitench performance artist, Michel Pappinion, has crossed the channel to bring us his latest piece entitled "Pappinion boulez j'ai bouccet mon hesuit".

Pappinion, clad in gold paint, bores down through the planet's crust to retrieve giant diamonds as big as your head, returning to the surface in vapour form ; a gas filtering through sedimentary rocks. With giant papier-mache wings attached to all three legs, he commences a dance 'tres exotic', as they say in Gitance, staged onlookers soon join, naked except for their clothes and wearing masks to cover their expressions of glee/boredom.

When the dance completes air is trapped inside and is set alight, a bright blue flame surrounding the audience until we are all slightly charred, backlit up until about the start of christmas, but warm and confident thanks to Pappinion's pulsating rhythms.

We are transfixed with PVA for most of the performance, Pappinion splurging from side to side and rarely touching the ground, and then its all over, just like it began.

Pappinion will be performing daily outside the capital's North Bank theatre through December. Tickets are free.