Arts & Entertainment >

Wed Nov 20, 2024 6:19 am

Seminal 60s songwriter, Bruce Monsoon, who wrote many of the decade's most famous 'hippy-era' hits, including The Bandido's classic "Dood, where are my legs?", died yesterday aged 96 after a short excursion.

As well as penning six number one hits for The Bandido's in the 60s, Monsoon continued writing for decades afterwards, giving Cher a number 1 hit in the 70s with "I am trapped in a box and my eyes are on fire", collaborating with 80s TV star Jack Shenanigans on the hit "Who took all of my cocaine?" and even appearing as a guest vocalist with Radioface on their 2002 album, "Moron".

Monsoon spent much of his later years off his face, making large inept paintings that looked like they were drawn by a child but which managed to sell for large sums at auction to passionate and idiotic fans, and though his career may be somewhat tainted by his arrest and conviction in 2010, lines such as "I can barely walk, i can see you talk, i can see you think, why are you pink?" will remain in civilization's collective consciousness for at least another few years until enough people have died or moved on to allow him to be properly forgotten.

Fri Nov 15, 2024 8:05 am

Visitors to the Imaginary Central Museum lucky enough to get tickets will be able to catch sight of a rarely seen Margrite, which is on display until the end of the month.

The last time a Margrite was shown at the Museum, long queues formed full of willing punters desparate to catch even the smallest glimpse of the unique work. Bethany Hanson, who queued, unsuccessfully, for over 3 weeks during the Margrite's last outing was taking no chances this time round, selling her house and all her belongings months in advance and now living in the museum's entranceway, barely surviving on scraps and old ticket stubs and drinking from puddles.

Asked why she was so dedicated about seeing the Margrite, Bethany said "The What?!?", looking confused momentarily before a rapid upwelling of uncontrollable rage and fury caused her to lose any remaining semblance of control, inevitably leading to her demise as she threw herself off a nearby bridge and into the river Baarn.

Wed Nov 13, 2024 6:25 am

Hot on the heels of the successful launch of Kissing FM - round the clock slurping and guzzling - comes the newest kid on the block, Tears FM, broadcasting wailing, moaning and general despair 24/7.

"Its a niche audience", admits station controller Hank Fatswallerson, "but there's definitely a big appetite for misery. Pre-launch, we'd originally planned to go with the traditional awful pop music and vacuous light banter but our intensive audience research showed clearly that more people responded positively to intense and personal trauma."

The new station has already proven a financial success having signed a multi-year advertising deal with a leading pharmaceutical company. (And cancer).

Fri Nov 08, 2024 6:34 am

The latest performance by the Imaginary National Symphony Orchestra has been cancelled after a series of accidents restricted the number of trained musicians able to perform.

The incidents started earlier in the week when four members of the 1st violins got stuck in a trumpet. Just two days later three members of the woodwind section got trapped inside a cello and the performance was eventually cancelled completely when the entire percussion section was sucked up by an oboe.

Conductor Gregot Parchinski is hopeful that their next scheduled performance (in 2 weeks time at the Imaginary National Opera House) will be able to go ahead as planned, if he can find a way out of the french horn.

Wed Nov 06, 2024 7:07 am

(Doors Open: 8:45). Hay-fever awareness course prerequisite (entry barred without), line by line will approach, limited.

Floral response dedicated - (Doors Open: 7:45) - Brushed stamen, sigma, wind-borne particles lightly touched before the show ends. Crispy walnuts, crispy!

Mothers abound, pushchairs in reserved parking allocations, 6 abreast (3 each), pretty follicle frolicking and pushing up the primroses.
Entry free, for a price. (Doors Open: 5:30). You're welcome.

Mon Nov 04, 2024 8:02 am

Hidden down in the unsearchable sections of your TV guide lies Channel 362, the local Imaginary channel that usually broadcasts absolute filth 24 hours a day but this year is planning a major revamp of its schedule.

Head Channel Controller, Billy Head, in charge of the remote control, says "This is the dawn of a new dawn for the channel. We're unshackling the shackles of our past and throwing caution to the dogs with a massive investment in programme making ; with new stars, new formats, new news, old news, rhythm and blues and Hill Street Blues."

First up on launch day is new reality series "Stumped!", a show in which ex-cricketeers are tasked with making their way home from a desert island after sawing off their own legs, followed by new current affairs show "How much do I need to pay you to ignore what just happened?" - this week featuring Piddlington Mayor, Arthur Ranson, 3 ladies of questionable virtue and a suitcase full of tenners. The new weekend schedule starts with the moronic quiz show "Counting" (Host Angus Arson still hoping the catchphrase "1.. 2.. 3.." .. ".. 4.. .. 5 .. .. 6" .. " .. " .. ".. 7", will eventually catch on), goes highbrow for a while with Victorian-era melodrama "The Dorset Corset" before settling back to tried and trusted territory with late night talk show "Dark Place with Jimmy Sasson" this week featuring guests Tony Greggson, ex prime-ministerial candidate Sir Herbert Double-Jamesons and a dog in the shape of a lemon.

Thu Oct 31, 2024 7:51 am

Bronx-based hip n hop rapper Christmas Fantastic's new album "Why won't you take me seriously?" continues the themes from his previous release "What's your problem?" with deep back bass and a slightly more grungey feel to the underbush.

Opening track and top 10 single, "Its fine to wear a hat like this and i'll knife you in the face if you diss my bitch down" has Christmas in traditional bumptious mode as he purrs the riff that's since become the theme of the summer : "Youth, my hat aint wronging, your bitch aint belongin, you diss my bitch hat down now will ya, gonna bump it up back and whack ya in brazilia." and few can resist getting a little movement on when the deep drum line means you can't stop vibrating.

Fantastic's audience is diverse now, after his summer success we've got little old ladies from the 1920s caked in glue, singing along in the care home without a clue whats goin on - but thats all part of his appeal now. The hat's still stupid and this new album doesn't remotely help in his quest to be taken seriously, but at least its short.