Tiny collider results hint at exotic new particles
Sat Jul 04, 2026 11:07 pm
Nestled deep underneath the hills of North West Cunumbria, the Tiny Apath Collider has been gathering immense amounts of data for the last 3 years and provisional results released today hint at the possibility of exotic new particles previously unknown to science.
In the 'Standard Model' of physics, matter is made up of 'quarks' that come in a range of different varieties : Quaint, Bumdown, Ticklish and Proud. According to scientists involved in the Tiny Collider project, there are now tantalising hints of the existence of two new varieties : Terrific and Moist.
Lead Scientist Stephen Catson explained the results to our reporter.
"YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND," he shouted. "YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND. You do not know anything about any of this, it is really complicated. Stop pretending you know anything at all about any of this. You don't even understand how much you don't know. You are so stupid you're even making up this quote while I'm standing right here in front of you," he said, to an accuracy level of 4 sigma.
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Poached Herring Balls
Tackle 3 herring from behind and remove the stems. Wash thoroughly in tepid water and marinade for 6 weeks in a dark storeroom. Meanwhile, place the potatoes in a tidy baking dish and cover until risen. (This might take some time so encourage them with supportive comments at least daily). When the potatoes are desicated, add to the herring and bake on the middle shelf of an oven at gas mark 12, until the balls are crispy. Serve with a side salad and a chianti to someone you don't like.
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