Tiny collider results hint at exotic new particles

Sat Apr 11, 2026 11:07 pm

Nestled deep underneath the hills of North West Cunumbria, the Tiny Apath Collider has been gathering immense amounts of data for the last 3 years and provisional results released today hint at the possibility of exotic new particles previously unknown to science.

In the 'Standard Model' of physics, matter is made up of 'quarks' that come in a range of different varieties : Quaint, Bumdown, Ticklish and Proud. According to scientists involved in the Tiny Collider project, there are now tantalising hints of the existence of two new varieties : Terrific and Moist.

Lead Scientist Stephen Catson explained the results to our reporter.

"YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND," he shouted. "YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND. You do not know anything about any of this, it is really complicated. Stop pretending you know anything at all about any of this. You don't even understand how much you don't know. You are so stupid you're even making up this quote while I'm standing right here in front of you," he said, to an accuracy level of 4 sigma.

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