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Tue Jan 21, 2025 7:14 am

As the lights dim on the big hoop and a stick semi-final rounds and the dust settles on the iconic play area, excitement immediately starts to build for big hoop and a stick fans looking forward to finals day.

This year's tournament has been a big hoop and a stick rollercoaster ; From the cool, almost-too-cool victory of big hoop and a stick newcomer Ronnie Tigerball over fading veteran Ken Talamanson, to the nail-bitingly close deciding frame between the three Whackerplate twins. From the highs of Tigerball's superb second-round double transverse, to the low following Talamson's subsequent arrest and imprisonment, we've had it all.

Imaginary youths up and down the country have been out in the streets, doing the things that you do with a big hoop and a stick, and sporting goods suppliers have been inundated with requests for pro-quality sticks and big hoops. The nation has been gripped by big hoop and a stick fever.

Relaxing in his between-matches jacuzzi, Tigerball looks calm and collected, if we didn't know better we'd have no inkling that he was about to participate in one of the biggest big hoop and a stick finals this century. Meanwhile, one or two of the remaining Whackerplate twins are more workmanlike, practicing for hours on end each day with their big hoop and a stick, doing the things you do with it.

Predictions are that its going to be the most-watched big hoop and stick event of the century, and its unlikely to disappoint.

Fri Jan 17, 2025 8:14 am

'E-sports' - the quasi-olympic-style series of sporting events in which all the participating athletes are off their faces - achieved record viewing figures for its biannual international event this weekend.

Leading E-sporter, Sean Ryderson, off his face on Es and whizz, entertained the crowd in the triathlon by falling 10k short of the distance in the 10k run. He then stole a bike from fellow competitor, Ben Jenson, got nowhere, and finished the swimming portion of the event by drowning.

Over 16 billion Imaginary viewers tuned in to see Frussian E-gymnast, Natasha Pimpinlikitov, stand in the middle of the floor repeating a subtle, little OCD hand movement for 5 hours, grinning like a Cheshire Cat and muttering subversively ; having a genuinely great time until her particular cocktail began to wear off, when she got a little paranoid and dashed out of the stadium to hide in a corner.

Tue Jan 14, 2025 6:56 am

Given the intense levels of excitement, buildup and hype that precedes it, it is rare the SuperFinal lives up to expectations, and this year's final was no exception, with a one-sided match never threatening to be anything but disappointing.

Although they started well, with the Diggers' Lead Cover Chuck Backswipe taking an introspection break during the Snake's initial drive, the Diggers were unable to convert the turnaround and from then on never looked likely to threaten the turf. Diggers' Quatbacker Delorean Dickchurch looked out of sorts, unable to deliver with the ball and without it, and both Moses and Wedgin went ball-less for the whole first half. When Diggers' star centre Leahawk Sparkbanner broke down with a split fanbelt midway through the 2nd quarter, the writing was on the wall for the Diggers.

At the other end, the Snakes looked like a well-oiled machine, converting from 6, 15 and 34, (the latter being a double-pointer) and Wide Collector Starbait Bruceybonus snatching a treble and 35 points from a domineering forward shuffle. A late consolation fumble on the sidelines by Diggers' backspot Casper Whittlestick (and 3 cheerleaders) did little to change the inevitable outcome, and as the final whistlehorn blew the Snakes sealed the victory 90-3.

Post-match, Snakes' coach Trackle Bellicheck was emotional as he lifted the Braun Lumberston trophy, dedicating the victory to his late mother, who passed away earlier in the season from Syphilis.

Sun Jan 12, 2025 8:44 am

GOOAL! Its little boys a-go-go in this week's scores round-up, with all the wee fellas having a jolly old time putting the ball in the net.

- Title holders Billy Rovers went down to a surprise defeat 3-2 against the cheeky chappies from Burmingly, thanks to a last minute hoodie from the kids from the estate.
- Big Jeff helped the 'Town break a 1-1 deadlock with Jammy Vale just before closing, but a no-score draw was still the result from the Pickwick Ground.
- Roast Lamb shut out the City, losing 3-0 in extra time (pen) and the United had their laces untied and forfeited the second round of the cup to Non-league Albion.
- Both the Spurts and the Arsebaggers had a bye this week but both still managed to scrape through with 1-0 victories against each other respectively.

In the Northern Leagues, Fickle Jaspers managed to get away ball-less while the result from the Stride of Canrar still remains undetermined due to adverse weather conditions.

Fri Jan 10, 2025 7:55 am

The Diggers vs Snakes match-up in this year's SuperFinal, which takes place next week at the Holy Ground, could well be a classic..

After months of preparation and weeks of anticipation, Diggers' star centre Leahawk Sparkbanner believe his team has got what it takes to win the SuperFinal : "I believe we've got what it takes to win the SuperFinal", he said today, relaxing by the pool at his Bulberry Hill condo. "The Snakes are a good team, but I don't think they've got what it takes. I think we've got what it takes. What does it take? The stuff we've got. They ain't got that stuff, we've got it."

The Diggers have had an easy run-up to the SuperFinal - their final playoff round against the Seeingeye Moles was abandoned when the Moles team were arrested for possession with intent to supply - but its possible the extended rest-period will work against them. Diggers' Lead Cover, Chuck Backswipe is alert to the peril, noting that they've "been working extra hard this past couple of weeks to make sure we don't get rusty" while coach Rusty Couple has been drilling the players daily.

Budlington Diggers Team :
Offensive - Sparkbanner, Maulhouse, Barmstein, Brown, Dickchurch, Monroe, Johnson, Moses, Mookowski, Wedgin
Defenderers - Backswipe, Tarpenhaut, Wilson, Carlston

Wed Jan 08, 2025 5:56 am

This year's International Swamp Locating tournament commences tomorrow, with world champion Mikail Godwinson looking to defend his title for the 25th year running.

Godwinson has been at the top of International Swamp Locating leaderboard since he first appeared on the scene back in the early 1990s, demonstrating his ability to locate swamps without even attempting to do so. Monday's tournament won't be so simple though; not only is Godwinson much older - his knees are frail and eyesight not what it was - there's also a number of younger Swamp Locators who will be challenging hard for the title.

Under-18s UK Swamp Locating champion, Alexander Hardybulb, is hoping to be the first to break Godwinson's grip on the title : "At some point the old geezer has got to slip up, and when he does I'll be ready. I've been practising locating swamps all weekend and I reckon I have a pretty good idea what they look like now".

Tue Jan 07, 2025 7:59 am

This year's SuperFinal, which takes place next week at the Holy Ground, is set to be a classic with both teams in top form.

The Chinoke Snakes breezed through their final playoff match against the L.Y. Bears, with star centre Carlton Weaksaway looking sublime as he led his team to a 71-point victory. Weaksaway is ably backed up by cross-liner Matt Venison - the league's leading ballscorer this season - not to mention the world-class wide-reader pair of Bobby Piltdown and Arthur Kopperburn.

If the Snakes have a weakness its in defendering, something Lead Cover Jerome Terrinson recognises : "We know we've got our work cut out with the Diggers. They're a great team.. they're all excellent ballscorers and we know they can produce a rapid forearm shuffle when they need it. But we're training hard and the boys can't wait for the whack off."

Chinoke Snakes Team :
Offensive - Weaksaway, Wilson, Venison, Kopperburn, Piltdown, Burgson, Smith, Bruceybonus, Neanders, Smackerson
Defenderers - Terrinson, Chives, Whittlestick, Brains.