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Wed Aug 12, 2026 6:01 am

The build-up to Tuesday night's decider between the Chinoke Snakes and the L.Y. Bears ended up being more exciting than the match itself, as the Snakes dominated the Bears, finishing the game 25 minutes early when Bear's star centre Mickey Jackson fumbled with the safety ball.

The match had started well for the Bears when Halftacker Bobby Harrison pitched up a doozy to put the Snakes down 12 early. But it went rapidly downhill from there on, the Snakes converting from all 5 corners of the park with consummate ease.

The Snakes will meet the Diggers on the Holy Ground in December's SuperFinal.

Full scorecard :
Bears - 12
(Harrison 12 @ 2)
Snakes - 83
(Weaksaway 9 @ 4, 3 @ 5, 6 @ 16, Wilson 12 @ 18, Venison 6 @ 30, 3 @ 32 (+3 pointer), Piltdown 12 @ 33, Kopperburn 6 @ 41, Weaksaway 12 @ 41, 3 @ 49, (Jackson) 8 @ 55 (safety ball) )

Mon Aug 10, 2026 2:52 pm

Coach Leonard Timpson was today removed from his role at the Acton Wasps after being found responsible for an on-field incident that resulted in the death of 19 players.

The match between the Wasps and local rivals the Stenthope Swingers had progressed normally, with the Swingers going in to the halftime break 6 points up. But during the half time prep talk Timpson reportedly told his players to "go out there and fight", and to "take it to the opposition like your life depended on it. Show no mercy!".

Neither team are known for their high levels of intelligence but the bloodbath that followed was still shocking to both spectators. The slaughter was eventually stopped by the arrival of a hotdog van which distracted the remaining Wasps players long enough for them to be rounded up and shot.

Timpson's trial for Incitement to Murder will commence at the County Magistrates Court on the 16th, tickets 4.50, drinks included.

Fri Aug 07, 2026 2:18 pm

Semi-world championship contender Fanny Jones has declared himself ready for a full-on hitting competition with someone else of a similar stature.

Semi-world champion, Lion Fantastic, has already nodded a brief acceptance of the proposed hitting competition challenge using his neck muscles under contractual obligation of their mutual promoter, Bighair Jackson.

The hitting competition is expected to last for a period of time, with the hitting commencing in time to some bells and finishing when one of the competitors doesn't want to get hit any more than they have already. The winner will receive a belt and a new pair of socks.

Tue Aug 04, 2026 11:59 pm

Fives legend Ivor Shuffleov missed his chance to claim the coveted Triple Fives title at this weekend's Smacker Magnum, we can finally report, now that the traditional post-match blackout has ended.

After a frantic series of heat events, Shuffleov prepared to face his final opponent, a newcomer to the Fives circuit and first-time Smacker competitor known only as Mr Binky.

Shuffleov, competing in his trademark snorkelling gear, started strongly to end the first day's play 6-2 up, having demonstrated his usual flair for double-enders, flicks off the wrist and well-timed finger-thrusts.

His opponent - aping Shuffleov's disguise tactic by competing in full clown regalia - held on grimly to remain just in contention. But everything was to change after nip, when Binky reversed the tables and amazed the crowd with a staggering repertoire of long-corner edge-hangers, subtle thumbstrokes and sliding butts to level the match at 8-all.

The usually unflappable Shuffleov was visibly shaken. It only remained for Binky to claim his crown by stuffing the purse, not once but five times, and with three farthings left on the clock.

Shuffleov declined to comment on his defeat, and left the arena in disgust. Binky, resplendent in his Smacker Magnum tiara, welcomed the attention of the gathered media but answered every question by holding up a sign that said "beep".

Will Binky become the dominant force in Fives that Shuffleov has been? Will Shuffleov return? The coins may be stacked against him, but if the world of Fives has ever proven anything, it's that it takes more than a quick jangle to break the bank.

The upcoming Banger Mashup in Rhyllsworthy promises more drama - and we'll be covering every flip.

Mon Aug 03, 2026 2:09 pm

Both spectators at this year's Ballinhole Open were treated to a masterful display by No.1 seed Fugal Horne, as he romped around the 48 acre course to finish 3 under with 9 balls in holes.

Speaking to reporters in the members' club after play, Horne seemed satisfied with his performance : "It was a good round, I was happy with it. The holes were round, my balls were round, all round, it was a good round which I'm happy with. Is it my round?".

Meanwhile, there was a surprise early exit for Jack 'The Mackerel' Nicholson who failed to get any balls in holes.

Round 1 Leaderboard
1. Horne | 3 under, 9 of 12.
2. Ballcock | 1 under, 8 of 12.
=. Melons | 1 under, 6 of 12.
4. Plums | par, 9 of 12.
5. Bagolimes | 1 over, 4 of 12.

Fri Jul 31, 2026 2:03 pm

Prize money at this year's Ballinhole Open is expected to top 1,000,000 sheckles for the first time in it's history.

Players from all over the world will be competing in the tournament and hoping to take a slice of the big, steaming money pie by putting the balls in holes all around the famous 12 hole course.

No. 1 seed Fugal Horne will be looking to repeat his performance of last year when he was able to shoot a round of 6 under the bar, with 11 of the 12 balls in the holes before charge ran out on his little buggy. Fugal will also be keeping a close eye on local challenger Jack 'The Great White Shark' Nicholson, who has been having a personal best season, recently winning the Royal Dutch Ballinhole Invitational despite losing control of his legs.

Wed Jul 29, 2026 1:59 pm

All eyes are on Ivor Shuffleov in the upcoming Smacker Magnum Fives this weekend, as the 27-time doubles champion attempts to become the first person to attain the legendary "Triple Fives" title.

Shuffleov - the savant Fives spinner better known as "The Coin" on table - has every major championship trophy under his belt, which many pundits have predicted will hamper him in the final event of 2016. The Coin, however, remains bullish about his chances at the Smacker Magnum.

"Zis is goink to be eazy. Vee shall zee how ze table falls," he commented in a canned telegram delivered to the INN offices. Shuffleov has used his trademarked canned message delivery system since he first broke into the Fives arena in 1987.

The identity of the Fives legend, who always competes wearing snorkelling gear, is still a mystery and is said to be the most important thread in several outstanding suits.

This year's Smacker Magnum takes place at the Royal Obscuratory. The tables, as is customary for premier league Fives, will not be revealed until the morning after nip.