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Fri May 15, 2026 2:18 pm

Semi-world championship contender Fanny Jones has declared himself ready for a full-on hitting competition with someone else of a similar stature.

Semi-world champion, Lion Fantastic, has already nodded a brief acceptance of the proposed hitting competition challenge using his neck muscles under contractual obligation of their mutual promoter, Bighair Jackson.

The hitting competition is expected to last for a period of time, with the hitting commencing in time to some bells and finishing when one of the competitors doesn't want to get hit any more than they have already. The winner will receive a belt and a new pair of socks.

Tue May 12, 2026 11:59 pm

Fives legend Ivor Shuffleov missed his chance to claim the coveted Triple Fives title at this weekend's Smacker Magnum, we can finally report, now that the traditional post-match blackout has ended.

After a frantic series of heat events, Shuffleov prepared to face his final opponent, a newcomer to the Fives circuit and first-time Smacker competitor known only as Mr Binky.

Shuffleov, competing in his trademark snorkelling gear, started strongly to end the first day's play 6-2 up, having demonstrated his usual flair for double-enders, flicks off the wrist and well-timed finger-thrusts.

His opponent - aping Shuffleov's disguise tactic by competing in full clown regalia - held on grimly to remain just in contention. But everything was to change after nip, when Binky reversed the tables and amazed the crowd with a staggering repertoire of long-corner edge-hangers, subtle thumbstrokes and sliding butts to level the match at 8-all.

The usually unflappable Shuffleov was visibly shaken. It only remained for Binky to claim his crown by stuffing the purse, not once but five times, and with three farthings left on the clock.

Shuffleov declined to comment on his defeat, and left the arena in disgust. Binky, resplendent in his Smacker Magnum tiara, welcomed the attention of the gathered media but answered every question by holding up a sign that said "beep".

Will Binky become the dominant force in Fives that Shuffleov has been? Will Shuffleov return? The coins may be stacked against him, but if the world of Fives has ever proven anything, it's that it takes more than a quick jangle to break the bank.

The upcoming Banger Mashup in Rhyllsworthy promises more drama - and we'll be covering every flip.

Mon May 11, 2026 2:09 pm

Both spectators at this year's Ballinhole Open were treated to a masterful display by No.1 seed Fugal Horne, as he romped around the 48 acre course to finish 3 under with 9 balls in holes.

Speaking to reporters in the members' club after play, Horne seemed satisfied with his performance : "It was a good round, I was happy with it. The holes were round, my balls were round, all round, it was a good round which I'm happy with. Is it my round?".

Meanwhile, there was a surprise early exit for Jack 'The Mackerel' Nicholson who failed to get any balls in holes.

Round 1 Leaderboard
1. Horne | 3 under, 9 of 12.
2. Ballcock | 1 under, 8 of 12.
=. Melons | 1 under, 6 of 12.
4. Plums | par, 9 of 12.
5. Bagolimes | 1 over, 4 of 12.

Fri May 08, 2026 2:03 pm

Prize money at this year's Ballinhole Open is expected to top 1,000,000 sheckles for the first time in it's history.

Players from all over the world will be competing in the tournament and hoping to take a slice of the big, steaming money pie by putting the balls in holes all around the famous 12 hole course.

No. 1 seed Fugal Horne will be looking to repeat his performance of last year when he was able to shoot a round of 6 under the bar, with 11 of the 12 balls in the holes before charge ran out on his little buggy. Fugal will also be keeping a close eye on local challenger Jack 'The Great White Shark' Nicholson, who has been having a personal best season, recently winning the Royal Dutch Ballinhole Invitational despite losing control of his legs.

Wed May 06, 2026 1:59 pm

All eyes are on Ivor Shuffleov in the upcoming Smacker Magnum Fives this weekend, as the 27-time doubles champion attempts to become the first person to attain the legendary "Triple Fives" title.

Shuffleov - the savant Fives spinner better known as "The Coin" on table - has every major championship trophy under his belt, which many pundits have predicted will hamper him in the final event of 2016. The Coin, however, remains bullish about his chances at the Smacker Magnum.

"Zis is goink to be eazy. Vee shall zee how ze table falls," he commented in a canned telegram delivered to the INN offices. Shuffleov has used his trademarked canned message delivery system since he first broke into the Fives arena in 1987.

The identity of the Fives legend, who always competes wearing snorkelling gear, is still a mystery and is said to be the most important thread in several outstanding suits.

This year's Smacker Magnum takes place at the Royal Obscuratory. The tables, as is customary for premier league Fives, will not be revealed until the morning after nip.

Mon May 04, 2026 4:10 pm

The Imaginary team battled hard to secure a difficult draw in the final day at the Costcuttle ground in Jillhadi, largely through an heroic battering display by Jimmy Chives.

After a short, 3-day delay due to the Umbrian switch from summertime, the final day's play commenced with an expectant hush floating around the capacity crowd, tickling the flags and murmuring gently through the assembled plastic pints. Umbria's chuckers knew they had a good chance of taking a series lead with a victory here, but they had just a day and nine drinks breaks to skittle the Imaginary team.

Chives - who was promoted up the order following the retirement in the first innings of Imaginary opener Jim Jimson, under investigation for a drugs related incident - looked assured from the off, carefully playing each long ball through the bucket with soft legs, and gracefully glancing anything down leg through the gap in the long distant blanket. He was partnered admirably by captain Greggson who consistently refused to play at anything until first drinks.

The pair lasted till lunch (a selection of breads, humus, olives and spicy dips, accompanied by a good supply of vintage French Merlots) but Greggson looked unsteady afterwards, soon falling to Umbrian leggy chucker Barswat Mandarath, who had had a quiet match up till that point. Afternoon drinks followed shortly afterwards, and then tea, with Chives still standing firm at the crease. The Imaginary team lost battersmen Greggson, Cookerson and Keeper-Wilson early in the evening session, and it looked like Umbria might clinch the victory before play ended, but a final drinks break and a foreboding cloud ended play early, the captains shaking on the draw at 5:40 (UMT).

We'll be providing full coverage of the final, deciding test of the series that takes place in a few weeks time.

2nd Test - Draw
Umbria (1st Innings): 132 all in the hole.
Imaginary (1st Innings): 102 all in the hole.
Umbria (2nd Innings): 467 all in the hole.
Imaginary (2nd Innings): 175 for 6, all home safe.

Thu Apr 30, 2026 5:06 pm

The pre-match debate in the pressbox was all about how long Umbrian captain, Majahid Ranmanakoolaban, would wait before the declaration, but in the end it was a moot point as Umbria were skittled out for just 24 by a devastating burst of fast chucking by Michael Sonson.

The day had started slowly, with the Umbrian battersmen apparently in no rush to force the issue, but the surprise selection of Rum for the mid-morning drinks break seemed to transform Sonson, and the Umbrian battersmen were all back in the rabbit hole in time for lunch (Vegetable Biryani).

The afternoon session began with a solid and positive partnership between Imaginary openers Bullson and Chives (shifted up the order after Jimson's earlier retirement pending drug-use investigations), putting on 65 without loss up till tea. The post-tea drinks break (again, a surprise decision of more Rum), put a dampener on the rest of the day's play, which progressed only intermittently, the Imaginary battersmen adding another 34 with only Bullson back in the hole.

It'll be a tense final day tomorrow, and with the pitch deteriorating and Rum hangovers most likely, the odds will be heavily in Umbria's favour.

Day 10 Close
Umbria (1st Innings): 132 all in the hole.
Imaginary (1st Innings): 102 all in the hole.
Umbria (2nd Innings): 467 all in the hole.
Imaginary (2nd Innings): 89 for 2, up 1.