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Fri Apr 10, 2026 12:39 pm

Its draft-excluder week in the IFL and backrooms across the country have been full of the traditional horse-dealing, house-trading, banter and biscuits that go on before the transfer sticker deadline at the end of the month.

In early movements, the Pickers swapped Picklington for their biggest draft-excluder while the Diggers capitulated and gave up a big first hole to the Iona Rockets, where they'll expect to pick up Ricky Trousers if he passes the medical and starch-test.

Nothing is unlikely to deter hotshot college star Heston Armatrading from joining the resurgent Snakes, but the press room is still full abuzz with questions on who the Snakes will pick up on their second bite, possibly Contagious or Lethal if either are still available. Bobby Contagious of M.Y. State refused to be interviewed on the speculation while Jackie Lethal, though happy to talk, was incomprehensible.

One thing is for sure, next season is going to be awash with new talent eager to prove their chaps in the opening matches.

Wed Apr 08, 2026 12:02 pm

Match Tied
Umbria (1st Innings): 35 all in the hole.
Imaginary (1st Innings): 83 all in the hole.
Umbria (2nd Innings): 974, declared legit.
Imaginary (2nd Innings): 926, 9 down, 5 in the hole.

An historic series that has thrilled fans and drinkers alike culminated in a truly astounding final day spectacle at the Durham Massala stadium in Umbria.

With Umbria needing just 7 more wickets to win, and the Imaginary team needing to batter out the day for the draw, Imaginary captain Tony Greggson and #5 Keeper-Wilson started the day stoically, defending everything in sight, with no suggestion of anything but a slow, solid decline to affect the course of play.

But when Keeper-Wilson was back in the hole after fingering a loose tiddler from Boomtacki, and Greggson being joined in the middle by Debutant Dimson, Greggson seemed to switch into another gear completely. Stretching out his arms and winding up his clock, Greggson began flailing the Umbrian chuckers to all 5 corners of the park. Never before, and probably never again, has a test match witnessed such rapid, destructive battering.

Greggson continued relentlessly, powering straight through lunch (Lamb Biryani, Shiraz) and deep into the afternoon session, even at one point refusing to partake in the mid session single malt whiskey (which triggered consternation and objections in the Umbrian coaching house, but which was ruled legal by the third umpire after review), while the Imaginary score ticked rapidly up past 400... 500... 513.. 574..

At the other end, Greggson slowly lost partners through the day as Dimson succumbed to a Mandarath giggly, Jamal Jackson picked up an infection from Boomtacki, Johnsonson - after a spirited defense - putting one in the deep cover bucket off Poontang. Then, with an hour's play remaining and Umbria still with a lead of 180, Michael Sonson got a top edge to fly out large to Banapaddi in the deep wide distance and it seemed the end was near.

But Greggson fought on and #10 'Brucie' Arson began to put up a wall, which was almost complete by the time of the last over, Umbria still 30 ahead. Greggson drove once, twice, three times a lady and on the very last ball a massive sixer all the way over the backstands triggered eruptions of pure joy all around the ground, from both Umbrian and Imaginary fans alike. Not only the first ever tied test match but done in such spectacular fashion. Those at the ground will remember this day for the rest of their lives, tell their children and their grandchildren about it, books will be written, films made.

Everyone in the world will live happily ever after.

Tue Apr 07, 2026 2:59 pm

Day 9 Close
Umbria (1st Innings): 35 all in the hole.
Imaginary (1st Innings): 83 all in the hole.
Umbria (2nd Innings): 974, declared legit.
Imaginary (2nd Innings): 183, 3 down, 2 in the hole.

As most pundits predicted, Umbrian captain, Majahid Ranmanakoolaban, declared overnight with a lead of 926 already on the board. He declared again before play this morning after realising everybody had been asleep during the first attempt.

And so, out strode Imaginary openers Ian Bullson and Jimmy Chives facing the daunting task of saving the series by battering out 6 sessions and 22 drinks breaks on a wearing pitch, the test equivalent of climbing a mountain in skates dressed in a one-piece banana costume.

It started well enough, with both players looking reasonably steady, but just before the first drinks break a tiddler from fast-slow swing chucker Sharia Boomtacki got through Bullson's inner gap and sent him trudging back down the hole with no tea. When Chives followed not long after, tickling at a chin ball from Boson, it began to look like the writing was on the wall for the Imaginary team.

Cookson and Captain Greggson steadied the ship throughout the afternoon, sticking with light ales and scoring steadily for most of the session up until tea, but with the rate slowing and the heat of a long, humid day draining their energy, a slip from Cookson to slip off a slipper from Ravishastri Poontang, Umbria's left arm stroker, sealed a strong day for Umbria.

The Imaginary team still have a chance to clinch a draw on the final day's play tomorrow, but with the pitch turning and Mandarath looking increasingly deadly, it will be a huge task to bat out the day.

Mon Apr 06, 2026 12:14 pm

Day 8 Close
Umbria (1st Innings): 35 all in the hole.
Imaginary (1st Innings): 83 all in the hole.
Umbria (2nd Innings): 974, no man down.

In what could be a deciding few days for this test series, Umbria's opening battersmen, Mahwannacup Bruhinda and Noobat Cooli, provided a comprehensive display of high-class battership, remaining completely unbeaten and keeping a steady hand through 9 sessions and 33 drinks breaks.

By mid-way through Day 6, with Umbria pushing their lead past 100 and Bruhinda effectively bringing an armchair, comfortable sofa and a small coffee table to the crease - so much was he looking at home in the middle - Imaginary heads started to droop and the hopes of a rare Imaginary victory started to fade.

By tea and drinks on Day 7, with the lead rolling past 500, a large contingent of the crowd, as well as a number of the Imaginary fielders, had settled down in the many bars around the ground for a good, long, uninterrupted evening session.

Day 8 continued in much the same vain, Imaginary captain Greggson's desperation beginning to show when Jimmy Chives was given the ball for a few overs of his part-time oft-chucking, and his desperation peaking when Greggson started offering the ball to people in the crowd, trying to entice someone new on for a few overs.

An overnight declaration is now likely, with the Imaginary battersmen facing the unenviable prospect of having to batter out the last couple of days on a wearing pitch to avoid defeat.

Fri Apr 03, 2026 12:38 pm

Day 5 Close
Umbria (1st Innings): 35 all in the hole.
Imaginary (1st Innings): 83 all in the hole.
Umbria (2nd Innings): 74, no man down.

It seems fair to assume that the capacity Day 5 crowd at the Durham Massala stadium came expecting another day of fireworks and chucker-dominated test match play, but it was no doubt a surprise to most to witness a day of tense and patient battership.

The day started with Umbria needing only to put the tip of the tail back in the rabbit hole, but the Imaginary tail wagged and wagged like an excited puppy being tempted by a freshly severed lamb's shin. As first morning drinks approached, and the tail resolutely striding the score on to nearly 65, a twinge of concern started to appear amongst the Umbrian chuckers. By the late-morning drinks (Friday, so cider), and the tip of the tail potentially looking to break the 84-year old record final tip stand of 26, the twinge had evolved to clear frustration, with Umbrian chucker Juminda Boson resorting to high, wide and self-addressed deliveries in the hope of exposing a false shot.

Although Boson's tactics didn't immediately produce results, he was able to claim the final prize just before lunch (Rogan Josh) when Sonson stamped a delivery back to the postbox, leaving Umbria with a 48 first innings deficit.

After lunch and a few drinks, and with the Imaginary team cradling an unexpected 48 run lead, the pressure was firmly on the Umbrian openers, both Sonson and Arson powering in and hoping to upset the kettle-cart early doors. But Bruhinda and Cooli had other ideas, settling in for a long stay in the middle and looking more and more assured as time went on, with Umbria finishing the day 26 up on a pitch that looks to have flattened and pancaked after the first two days of lively bounce.

Thu Apr 02, 2026 2:20 pm

Day 4 Close
Umbria (1st Innings): 35 all in the hole.
Imaginary (1st Innings): 59 for all but one, down 5.

A Test Match of record-breaking surprises continued in similar form today as the Umbrian chuckers tore through the Imaginary battersmen like an excited 8 year old drug-addict told his christmas presents were an ounce, a crack pipe and a pound of heroin.

Starting the day on a solid zero, Imaginary openers Ian Bullson and Jimmy Chives ground out a respectable start, scoring slowly but steadily for the first few hours and ticking the scoreboard up to 5 by the time of the mid-morning drinks. But both looked all at sea when Umbria switched approach and bought on right-arm leggy chucker, Barswat Mandarath. Chives was soon back in the rabbit hole after swiping at a wrong 'un, Bullson following not long after when he was trapped on both legs with a full one caught short.

Greggson and Cookerson provided a bit of resistance after lunch (Chicken Makhani, Naan, side of Matar Paneer, with a chianti for the grown-ups and lagers for the young uns), especially after sharing the remains of an 'overnight' bottle of Lagavullin 12 year old, taking the innings score up past 40 and giving the Imaginary team a small lead, but when they were both out ducking at a Mandarath quacker, the collapse that followed was both unexpected and predictable. Keeper-Wilson's massive gloved hands could barely hold the wrong end of the bat, debutant Debutant Dimson was befuddled by a giggly, and the tail was limp through to the final over of play.

Inevitably, with both teams failing to top 100 in their first innings and the worrying proposition of an actual result a genuine possibility, questions will be raised about the quality of the pitch, which has shown signs of deprivation since the first chuck of the match.

Wed Apr 01, 2026 2:56 pm

Day 3 Close
Umbria (1st Innings): 35 all in the hole.
Imaginary: 0 for 0, no man down.

Those very few in the country who didn't follow today's play (on tv, radio or through our drink-by-drink commentary online) missed a spectacular day, with Imaginary fast-slow swing chucker, 'Brucie' Arson, breaking Test records by taking out all 8 remaining Umbrians with a skittle for just 35.

It was the lowest first innings total for Umbria since the infamous 1974 series versus South Arfenifrica, in which half of the Umbrian team had been secretly replaced by child labourers for tax purposes.

As play started, Arson, who has had a quiet series so far, did seem to have an extra bit of menace in his stride, and though his first few deliveries were wide past the hole and generally quite late, it didn't take him long to get his radar on. With the little radar dish wired up and spinning slowly in all directions he looked unplayable ; even Mahwannacup Bruhindi, who has looked unflustered throughout this series so far, was unable to offer a legal defense.

Chucks were swinging left, right, up and down and round and round, and once Arson began to make use of the skittle, Umbrian battersmen were dispatched swiftly ; each new battersman returning to the rabbit hole in quick succession with barely a moment's break to down a pint or two.

Umbria's rapid demise meant an extended between-innings Tea and Drinks was required, which took the teams almost to the close of play, Umbria's Juminda Boson only managing a handful of hairy deliveries, leaving Imaginary openers Bullson and Chives scoreless and unworried as they returned to the Players' Bar for an evening's rest and recuperation.