Dangerous hipster shrinking craze continues to spread
Fri May 22, 2026 2:20 pm
A glut of miniature hipsters has meant the recent Imaginary Royal Parks festival could cut costs by using a badly-photoshopped 32inch TV instead of the usual big screen.
A recent survey found that over 70% of youngsters across the world have either been directly involved, or know someone who has been directly involved, or have met someone who had a friend that knew someone who has been directly involved, in the dangerous craze - a combination of drugs that has a permanent reductive effect on stature.
Regular sized person, Jimmy Hitchinson, said "It is starting to become difficult to tell the difference between these tiny hipster users and children who just happen to be very small, especially when they don't have a beard", while 2ft 3in hipster Marcus Gipperson just squeaked like a little mouse and did mouse actions with his tiny hands.
There have now been over 200 fatalities worldwide, with the tiny hipsters frequently falling down the drains and drowning.
Sport >
Ballinhole Open Round 2
Fri May 22, 2026 2:21 pm
Round 2 of this year's Ballinhole Open commenced with No. 1 seed Fugal Horne looking to firm up his grip on the title, bringing in a 2 under lead from the first round.
However things didn't go to plan for Horne, who had a great amount of trouble getting the first couple of balls in their holes. Kim Chi, Horne's long-term companion and caddy, had his head in his hands as Horne repeatedly failed to chip in from the bunker at the third, and when he left his handbrake off on the fairway leading up to the fourth, resulting in his little car rolling down the hill into a lake, it looked like it was the end of his title aspirations for the year.
But as usual, Horne's class shone through. He borrowed a little car from a friend, gave his balls a quick polish, and then managed to fill the remaining 8 holes in record time, eventually finishing 4 under the bar with 9 balls in the holes.
Horne's closest competitors, Nick Ballcock and Tiger Melons, had steady days, both finishing 2 under with 8 balls in the holes, leaving the field wide open for the third and final round.
Round 2 Leaderboard
1. Horne | 4 under, 9 of 12.
2. Ballcock | 2 under, 8 of 12.
=. Melons | 2 under, 8 of 12.
4. Bagolimes | par, 7 of 12.
5. Plums | 1 over, 9 of 12.
Science & Technology >
Probe experiences 'anomaly'
Thu May 21, 2026 1:44 pm
Imaginary Space Agency scientists today reported that the Explorer IV probe suffered a 'minor anomaly' when performing the engine burn that was required to put it into orbit around Marrrrs.
According to Chief ISA Orbital Insertion Specialist, Kurt Verngutson, "The probe suffered a minor directional infringement in its secondary booster system, resulting in a slight orientation anomaly, which itself resulted in the probe experiencing a short period of momentum impingement when it unexpectedly made contact with the planet at a confrontational velocity that briefly exceeded guideline safety limits."
At a press conference later that day, ISA spokesperson Florence Katsenroper confirmed that the probe had "twatted into the planet" and was no longer in contact with the Earth. "This does restrict our ability to complete the science portion of the mission." she explained.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Gig review: Blue Prince at the Complexity Pit
Wed May 20, 2026 2:43 pm
Oven all the finds
Mon May 18, 2026 12:11 pm
Album Review: Benny Brucebar: Live at the Smokehouse
Fri May 15, 2026 2:17 pm
Performance artist Michel Pappinion's new show
Tue May 12, 2026 1:41 pm
IBTV scores a hit with new reality show
Sun May 10, 2026 2:16 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - up 0.4 at 4068.9ICU up -0.07% against the Euro
Down 10c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
FUNDAQ comes a cropper
Despite a promising upcurve in trading last week, the FUNDAQ has flopped like a salmon in a blender.
Having borrowed 15 from its parents for last weekend, the FUNDAQ outlook unexpectedly darkened rapidly until the mood became decidedly sombre, a mournful kind of music playing quietly in the background and crusty brown leaves everywhere.
Analysts at Loose, White and Gagging weren't in the mood to talk about it. Even analyst Kenchu Viamactory from HK-BS, who is rarely short an opinion said "I am short an opinion".
Opinion shorts were up 5, while the FUNDAQ was down 214, levelling, Good.
Today's Crossword
Arsechops
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