Octopus stuck in jar
Wed Mar 11, 2026 12:27 pm
An Octopus has become completely stuck in a jar after showing off to his marine mates.
Following derisive hoots from a nearby basking shark, the octopus was goaded into demonstrating his jar opening skills, and then continued on and climbed right in. Bruce Fishson, from the Academy of Aquatic Studies, said "Its well known that octopuses can open jars and climb into them, so I don't really know what he was trying to prove. Its also well known that they can't get out of jars at all, so he was a bit daft doing it if you ask me."
Lifeguards have decided to wait for a few more days to see if the jar drops off naturally, but if not they plan to pour salt all over the poor creature, because they know that kills slugs and they think it might work on octopuses too.
Sport >
Snakes trounce Diggers in SuperFinal
Mon Mar 09, 2026 12:56 pm
Given the intense levels of excitement, buildup and hype that precedes it, it is rare the SuperFinal lives up to expectations, and this year's final was no exception, with a one-sided match never threatening to be anything but disappointing.
Although they started well, with the Diggers' Lead Cover Chuck Backswipe taking an introspection break during the Snake's initial drive, the Diggers were unable to convert the turnaround and from then on never looked likely to threaten the turf. Diggers' Quatbacker Delorean Dickchurch looked out of sorts, unable to deliver with the ball and without it, and both Moses and Wedgin went ball-less for the whole first half. When Diggers' star centre Leahawk Sparkbanner broke down with a split fanbelt midway through the 2nd quarter, the writing was on the wall for the Diggers.
At the other end, the Snakes looked like a well-oiled machine, converting from 6, 15 and 34, (the latter being a double-pointer) and Wide Collector Starbait Bruceybonus snatching a treble and 35 points from a domineering forward shuffle. A late consolation fumble on the sidelines by Diggers' backspot Casper Whittlestick (and 3 cheerleaders) did little to change the inevitable outcome, and as the final whistlehorn blew the Snakes sealed the victory 90-3.
Post-match, Snakes' coach Trackle Bellicheck was emotional as he lifted the Braun Lumberston trophy, dedicating the victory to his late mother, who passed away earlier in the season from Syphilis.
Science & Technology >
BREAKING: Unknown virus strikes Imaginary reporters
Wed Mar 11, 2026 1:53 pm
In a worrying development for INN, Imaginary journalists are being afflicted by a virus of unknown origin.
Details are scarce, except it appears that the new disease causes reporters to publish stories that are little more than random streams of consciousness bearing little if any relation to reality.
"The thing about this virus, it's bloody massive," said Rebecca Ssee, Head of Imagivirology at Saint Organstines. "We've had our suspicions for some time, and spent all these years looking into petriscopes and microdishes and that, and it was all a total waste of time because this thing is literally the size of the bloody universe. Apart from that we don't know anything about it at all. I need another drink."
We remain vigilant and we will keep you updated as this story develops.
Have you been affected by an unknown virus, or do you know an Imaginary journalist that has? Great.
Unrelated stories:
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Markets >
ISE 100 - up 0.9 at 4087.9ICU up 0.02% against the Euro
Down 10c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Euronian currency crisis pending
Reports trickling slowly out from the offices of the Euronian Council for Economic Affairs suggest another well-planned currency crisis is in the offing.
Euronian economists have frequently found bottling the currency, hiding it in the basement and then telling no-one about it for a few weeks has proved an effective method of restoring interest rate differentials and, ah, i dunno, off-sheet balance buyback futures or something.
The crisis is likely to start some time next month, when Mrs Euronia notices the gate has been left open and all the chickens have run off to go skateboarding and hanging around on street corners causing trouble.
Today's Crossword
Crapsticks
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