Politics >

Tue Nov 19, 2024 6:01 am

Predictions for the Treasure Castle, the leading north-east coastal tourist attraction, have had treasury boffins working overtime calculating likely dividends and standard dends based on the sudden upturn in fortunes for the north-east region, subsequent to previous happy day forecents.

Chief North-East spokesperson, Fanny Tadgerson, was keen to highlight the huge potential all along the north-east coast, "We have around 30 to 40 massive potentials in the region, if we can lever them in to place. The region is crying out for government investment to ride the wave of our massive potential potential".

Visitors to the Treasure Castle are invited to sample a range of slots, chippers and the full range of offensive snack ingredients, as well as the inevitable (and immensely satisfying) donkey derby.

Fri Nov 15, 2024 8:57 am

New Concatanive Prime Minister William Rondonson has announced measures to bolster his majority in parliament today.

The bolstering occurred shortly after the announcement, once the measurements had been completed and verified by House representatives. All of the measurements were within acceptable levels of tolerance according to the House Chairman, Mularchy Catspankson, giving the nod to the majority bolstering in accordance with hundreds of years of parliamentary ritual.

Opposition spokesperson, Wendy Boatscomehome, suggested that the bolstering is unlikely to go unchallenged : "We don't really recognise this bolstering as a legitimate bolstering. As a party, our approach is to see the bolstering and pretend we don't know what it is - its our belief that if we don't formally accept this reality the PM will have to back down, unbolster the majority and probably take a new yardstick down to the palace".

Wed Nov 13, 2024 7:35 am

Taking the electorate by surprise, the head government announced today that William Rondonson has been elected as PM following a short unpublished campaign held behind the back-benches.

"I wasn't even sure if the last one had gone yet" said man-on-the-street, Johnny Manonthestreetson, who was passing by the window when we leant out offering sandwiches. "As long as he doesn't stop us fidgeting with the ferrets Im happy", said Johnny, who quickly disappeared off down the street with a funny walk.

Opposition party members were quick to apologise for their complete absence during the election campaign, noting they were all away for a weekend box-set session which failed to capture any badgers, but which was successful in spirit.

Mon Nov 11, 2024 7:40 am

Long serving members of the Cross Party, representing upset, disgruntled and argumentative members of the community have walked out of talks with each other after representatives expressed anger at their own ability to accept the reality of the stuff they were talking about.

The parliamentary argument started late in the afternoon when the member for frequent mild annoyance clashed with the representative for something seriously disturbing which you can't quite put a finger on. Their argument spilled out into the division lobbies, down the stairs, through the hall and then trickled along into the outside guttering where it was pecked at by a passing buzzard.

Bystanders were standing by and onlookers looked on as the Cross Party group were joined by leaders of the Furious Society, who raised the volume a couple more notches before the members of Calm Down Now, Break it Up intervened and everyone went home.

Thu Nov 07, 2024 6:30 am

Emmanuel Pole is the front-running candidate in the upcoming Worshireshire local election, according to Survey, the company that does surveys of various things.

The election appeared unannounced one morning, and came as a shock according to those close to sources. The initial furore has since died down.

Pole stands on a manifesto upheld by many needy citizens "because they like it", he said. He was not originally favourite for the position, but has managed to garner support with his "Just Do It" campaign.

"As a slogan, it resonates," said a man on a street. "I can almost imagine it on a t-shirt or something. That's the kinda thing I'd vote for."

Pole's gains have been made in spite of the scandal and subsequent lawsuit involving Ms. Anything-Goeth, heiress to the Double-Jamesons' fortune. Pole was sued by Lord Double-Jamesons himself, in an attempt to stop Pole standing, after accusations of Unacceptable Hustings with a Lady in a Public Place.

It was to be a landmark forensic case, until the Double-Jamesons' team was forced to drop its suit against Pole after admitting to have lost his deposit.

Tue Nov 05, 2024 6:26 am

Government has been trying for some time to pass new legislation covering Gas, Wind and Solar power, and today opposition parties worked together to ensure the government failed to pass Wind, fillibagging procedures right up to lights out when MPs were forced to resign to their burrows.

The government has been trying to pass the wind bill since its earlier Gas Act was discovered to be the source of a range of environmental pollutants. Gas protesters complained that the previous legislation "would cause a great stink" and the government's new attempts to pass Wind haven't received a much better reception. Shadow spokesperson for the shadow environment, Michael Bunsenson expressed his distaste from the shadows - "This is really little more than a puerile exercise, very thinly disguised and really quite beneath even this government. After this long in office I think its reasonable to expect a little more from the ministry. We're also very much against Solar, given our position."

A government spokesperson was available for comment, but our reporter was in the pub.

Sun Nov 03, 2024 7:37 am

In the big annual economy shakearound, Imaginary Chancellor, Liam Walletson, has been showing everyone his little suitcase full of beans and changing the way all the adding up is done.

The biggest changes that will affect the average citizen, Steve Smithson, include an extra 5p in the quarter on directions (+10% if given from the pavement to someone in a car), an across the board increase in dice, and a 30% jump in the duty on arms.

"I'm pretty distraught about the whole thing.", said Steve, looking particularly distraught, wearing a t-shirt with the caption "Pretty Distraught", a baseball cap emblazoned with "I'm Distraught" and waving a banner above his head with his face on it and the word 'Distraught' above an arrow pointing downwards. "The government have been promising me for months that I'll be better off, I'd really much prefer it if the poor and the rich were both made to pay a lot more so that I can go on long holidays and commit serious crimes without repercussions".