Justice sought for massive squirrel-headed mothers

Tue Apr 30, 2024 7:58 am

Environmental campaign group 'Animals are People Too' will be leading a march on parliament today seeking measures to ban the use of the controversial 'Atkins Trap' by farmers, which they claim "unfairly targets large-headed pregnant female squirrels".

Farmer, Hubert Hammerson, defended his use of the trap saying "ooh ay oots daenna far bae noose don oh skirrels, tae ba sur, ayt oot dawn oon lin ta forrnae ban tae hoogis, nae" but was later arrested by the police division responsible for the enforcement of the confused regional accents bill, the repeal of which does not come into force until January.

Atkins Trap manufacturers VerminCo released a press statement highlighting "Independent scientific research commisioned by our company and using our own independent scientists" that confirms the traps are gender and head-size neutral, despite all evidence suggesting otherwise.

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