Violet crimewave terrifies black and white community
Tue Jun 23, 2026 2:19 pm
Residents have appealed for urgent action following a spate of violet crime in Monotown.
This little-known community consists entirely of chromatophobes: every person, building, animal and plant has been either entirely black or entirely white since the town was founded in the early 1200s. Until now, that is: Monotownians are being attacked by persons unknown, who jump out of bushes at random and chuck paint all over them. The assailant and paint are always the same shade of purple.
We spoke to the latest victim, Cherry Red, who suffered second-degree splashing in an assault yesterday. "I was minding me own business when he just sort of did it out the blue," she said, adding, "I'll never get this out of me hair."
The Monotown Mayor, Darkness O'Whitely, has called for the PM to put an end to what he called "unspeakable violets", and asked if he could borrow a big cleaning machine to rid the streets of violet grime.
Police later discovered a palette knife used in the assault. In an official statement, Chief Inspector Black said: "The perpetrators here are real artists, and this is going to be a difficult case to crack. We're looking for a person of colour."
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Poached Herring Balls
Tackle 3 herring from behind and remove the stems. Wash thoroughly in tepid water and marinade for 6 weeks in a dark storeroom. Meanwhile, place the potatoes in a tidy baking dish and cover until risen. (This might take some time so encourage them with supportive comments at least daily). When the potatoes are desicated, add to the herring and bake on the middle shelf of an oven at gas mark 12, until the balls are crispy. Serve with a side salad and a chianti to someone you don't like.
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