Shuffleov eyes Triple Fives title
Wed May 06, 2026 1:59 pm
All eyes are on Ivor Shuffleov in the upcoming Smacker Magnum Fives this weekend, as the 27-time doubles champion attempts to become the first person to attain the legendary "Triple Fives" title.
Shuffleov - the savant Fives spinner better known as "The Coin" on table - has every major championship trophy under his belt, which many pundits have predicted will hamper him in the final event of 2016. The Coin, however, remains bullish about his chances at the Smacker Magnum.
"Zis is goink to be eazy. Vee shall zee how ze table falls," he commented in a canned telegram delivered to the INN offices. Shuffleov has used his trademarked canned message delivery system since he first broke into the Fives arena in 1987.
The identity of the Fives legend, who always competes wearing snorkelling gear, is still a mystery and is said to be the most important thread in several outstanding suits.
This year's Smacker Magnum takes place at the Royal Obscuratory. The tables, as is customary for premier league Fives, will not be revealed until the morning after nip.
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Grilled BBQ Flatburgers
Put 5kg of chopped mince into a large bowl and beat mercilessly for hours. Once the mince has been thoroughly defeated, add to a large vat of acid and skim off any residue. Drain, then shape the mince into patties using the power of your mind. Grill on a hidden BBQ for 4 days each side or until the neighbours complain.
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