E-sports gains record audience

Thu Jun 04, 2026 2:14 pm

'E-sports' - the quasi-olympic-style series of sporting events in which all the participating athletes are off their faces - achieved record viewing figures for its biannual international event this weekend.

Leading E-sporter, Sean Ryderson, off his face on Es and whizz, entertained the crowd in the triathlon by falling 10k short of the distance in the 10k run. He then stole a bike from fellow competitor, Ben Jenson, got nowhere, and finished the swimming portion of the event by drowning.

Over 16 billion Imaginary viewers tuned in to see Frussian E-gymnast, Natasha Pimpinlikitov, stand in the middle of the floor repeating a subtle, little OCD hand movement for 5 hours, grinning like a Cheshire Cat and muttering subversively ; having a genuinely great time until her particular cocktail began to wear off, when she got a little paranoid and dashed out of the stadium to hide in a corner.

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