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New cinema releases

ImageThis week, after a long period of acclimatisation and gradual weaning from their surrogate breast-host, six cinemas have been released into the wild in the marshy peatlands just north of Dumplank. All six cinemas were seen gamboling joyfully before disappearing into the dense undergrowth.

The release comes after years of patient care and training by the volunteer group who discovered the cinemas in a disused mineshaft 8 years ago. It is believed the cinemas were left there after being captured by a rogue gang of confused horse bandits who completely lost track of time.

It is hoped the successful release of the cinemas will encourage the eventual release of other rescued buildings, including a multi-storey car-park that has been hand-reared since being found in a discarded bin-bag when it was just a baby.

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Bollocks


Recipe Corner


Traditonal Euronian Casserole

Carefully slice 8kg of onions then discard once tearful, reserving the tears. Down a pint of fish stock, whisk aggressively until tired then discard along with the onions. Brown the pan on a high heat until completely ruined, then discard along with the stock and the onions. Order a takeout and serve garnished with the reserved tears.

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