Desk Fan Therapy

Fri Sep 13, 2024 1:39 pm

Until recently, Dr. Heinz Bambercasm's desk fan operated in the key of A, the same as a baby's cry, and like a crying baby this was distressing to Dr. Bambercasm.

Our Chief Science reporter went to find out how this changed : "Dr. Bambercasm answered my knock at his door within a second, like he was waiting for me, even though I had not indicated any specific time for my arrival. I could see by the look on his face, and the trembling of his hand while I shook it, that this was a man under extreme stress.

'Call me Heinz' he said, and proceeded with impatience to take me through to his Study. He flipped the switch on a large box of switches sitting on his Study table (the box, not him). After a few seconds a desk fan rotated into a blurred spin and Heinz immediately relaxed. He slumped into a large comfy looking swivel chair, leather clad with button studs and a tall back (the chair, not him). He went on to explain what just happened. And then wouldn't shut up.

I'll spare you the good 30mo or so where he slowly explained how he had to replace the bearings on his swivel chair, and how hard it was to get the 3bb Uretian ones as oppose to the slightly larger but unusable native variety. And the prolonged monologue on his outings as a Snakes fan, and the large photo album he leafed through to prove it, cutting my politeness to the very core.

It turns out he removed the fan blade and turned it around, and now it sings in the key of C. He says it makes him calm but hot. I took the opportunity to test his claim by flipping back the same switch on the box of switches, sitting on the Study table (there were no other chairs). As the fan powered down, Dr. Bambercasm became more and more agitated, till he was pacing the room, kicking out anxiously at the table and walls. I knew then what would happen if I flipped the switch back on. But was this proof of the method, or just a demonstration of the state of Dr. Bambercasm's mental health? So many questions to ask and answers to find. So much potential for science.

It was at this point I left, and never saw him again."

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