Special Report: Notarsica glacier "dangerously translucent", say naturists

Fri Jun 05, 2026 12:35 pm

The polar regions of our world tend largely to be ignored, although of course the northernmost continent, Arsica, does host the annual Extreme Fire-Starting Games and attracts some attention from minor TV channels as a result.

Our southernmost content, Notarsica, is not so blessed. Famed for the beauty and translucency of its primary glacier, Mint, opinons of the health of the Notarsican environment are hotly disputed by a small and mostly naked group of activists.

We took a helichopper to speak with leading naturist Merry Eagerson on her ship, the Tempting Wobble. Eagerson is trying to raise awareness of the plight of the region - and especially, to what she sees (or perhaps doesn't) as a dangerous increase in the translucency of the glacier Mint.

"It's all well and good being pretty, but if you're out in the middle of nowhere and nobody can see you, what's the bloody point?" said Eagerson, naked as a babe and downing a shot. "And the animals, the animals, they are in a terrible state. How are you supposed to get any if you can't see the bloody ground?" she said, downing another. "The powers that be, well they aren't any help at all. They just deny it," she added, holding onto a rail.

President Troubador of Armenifrica is thought to be one such denier, but said "no I'm not" in a recent statement.

Notarsican wildlife includes the unusually-formed Double Penguin and its dim-witted vegetarian predator, the Molar Bear. Arsica and Notarsica were famously discovered by the multi-national Aweedram and Scotchson team. Sponsored by the mighty Double-Jamesons empire, they attempted to reach both poles in the same month using alcohol to stave off the cold. The team was never seen again after sending its final, haunting telegram: "we may be well gone for some time".

Several of the team's whiskey caches have been discovered, however, and this valuable resource sustains ongoing survey projects. Naturists continue to monitor the Notarsican glacier, although as Eagerson says, "We're well stocked, for sure, but when it comes to the science of this translucency problem, we're never entirely sure if it's getting worse, or we're looking in the wrong direction, or if the thing has disappeared altogether and we're just wasting our time."

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