The Narcolympics comes to Armenifrica

Thu Jan 30, 2025 6:18 am

After a hotly-contested battle to host this year's Narcolympics, it is Armenifrica that will play host to one of the biggest new sporting events on the planet.

The Narcolympics was founded more than a decade after a group of minor athletes, and their university friends, became fed up of drug-taking accusations in traditional sports, and set up a competing event where you can take whatever you like.

Our own Imaginary Johnny "roll-em" Stoneson is favourite for the darts. "I'm here to make a point," he giggled, and it promises to be contest worth watching as he squares up to the Euronian favourite, Anne Fetamin.

Other Imaginary competitors include Telly Tallsson, who makes his debut in the pole vault after spending a year on the rack, and Mary-Jane Tinyson, who is pretty good at javelin when she remembers to chuck it the right way. The 100 meters is likely to be won by the Simerian, Jessica Bear, who has already set a world record this year by breaking into 100 meters in less than an hour.

Of course, the excitement doesn't end there: the Paralytics will be taking place at the same time, when the world's best athletes are force-fed sedatives to see just how well they perform when they're brought down to the level of normal people, or children.

Organisers faced criticism for "having such a stupid idea" but riposted with "Seriously? What's more fun than watching a champion fencer losing their sh*t while a 6-year-old hits them with an axe?"

We're entering into the spirit of both events and will have live coverage as it all happens. Well, live-ish.

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