Budget Day Latest
Sun Jun 14, 2026 1:37 pm
In the big annual economy shakearound, Imaginary Chancellor, Liam Walletson, has been showing everyone his little suitcase full of beans and changing the way all the adding up is done.
The biggest changes that will affect the average citizen, Steve Smithson, include an extra 5p in the quarter on directions (+10% if given from the pavement to someone in a car), an across the board increase in dice, and a 30% jump in the duty on arms.
"I'm pretty distraught about the whole thing.", said Steve, looking particularly distraught, wearing a t-shirt with the caption "Pretty Distraught", a baseball cap emblazoned with "I'm Distraught" and waving a banner above his head with his face on it and the word 'Distraught' above an arrow pointing downwards. "The government have been promising me for months that I'll be better off, I'd really much prefer it if the poor and the rich were both made to pay a lot more so that I can go on long holidays and commit serious crimes without repercussions".
Sport >
Ballinhole open day 27
Sat Jun 13, 2026 1:09 pm
Major shocks arrived at the 145th Ballinhole Open at the Titty Grounds today, delayed by a few hours when his driver developed dysentery and had to be replaced temporarily by the chauffeur of Colonel Surprises.
Military maneuvers and excursions aside, the long running saga of this year's Open appears no closer to conclusion after the governing body's controversial decision to switch the tournament to using balls larger than the holes.
Despite whacking a par 5 eagle on the first hole in record time, ballinhole world champion Fugal Horne remains tied to every other competitor on a firm +0 after 0 holes, with no amount of scissoring likely to allow any to break free.
Science & Technology >
Solar Observation Satellite readies for launch
Fri Jun 12, 2026 1:25 pm
Imaginary scientists are completing final preparations in advance of the launch of the new Imaginary Solar Observation Platform (ISOP),the unique $6bn satellite that aims to stare at the sun for too long.
The launch on Tuesday (maybe Monday, if it doesn't take quite as long as they expect to get all the bits connected) ends a tumultuous genesis for the project, which was almost cancelled probably 15 or 16 times.
As Lead Project Scientist Arthur Leadscientistson explains, "When we first proposed the project to stare at the sun for too long, everyone said 'No! You shouldn't stare at the sun for too long'. But we persisted, we kept trying, we persevered, we carried on, we kept on going, we never gave up, we ploughed on, we stuck to our guns and we stood firm. I admit there's a fair chance they were right - certainly most of our hardware tests so far have backed up the theory that you shouldn't stare at the sun for too long - but its only through such dogged, intractable determination that expensive and inevitably fruitless projects like this can ever see the light of day."
Readers should take care never to stare at the sun for too long, and if they do, keep a bucket of water handy and use a card with some holes in it.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Christmas Fantastic album review
Thu Jun 11, 2026 1:51 pm
Product Review: 5 litre Elvis
Wed Jun 10, 2026 1:24 pm
Imaginary man rues interview opportunity
Mon Jun 08, 2026 2:33 pm
Review: Eczemas Bumper Humper
Thu Jun 04, 2026 1:41 pm
Salmon streaming
Tue Jun 02, 2026 2:10 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - down 0.7 at 4117.6ICU down -0.06% against the Euro
Up 9c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Platinum holdings drop gold
Investment vestment venture capital holding analyst denture firm, Platinum holdings, dropped gold today like a vegetarian told his quorn burger is made of dingos' kidneys.
The firm have held holdings in gold holdings for months while prices have held steady, Eddie, said Eddie Holdings of Gold Holdings, "Holdings in gold ventures and dentures have held firm for most firms, so I'm somewhat surprised that the bottom has dropped out for Platinum."
Rumours that the bottom had indeed dropped since Platinum gave birth to its Gold fund back in November last year have been rife since the wife of Platinum CEO Alan Dropbottom demanded he adopt the position following the birth of their second child.
All the stocks so far are reacting cordially to the news, with orange, tropical and most varieties of lemon & lime holding above the 1000 FunDAQ base threshold.
Today's Crossword
Fuckballs
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