Justice sought for massive squirrel-headed mothers
Mon May 25, 2026 1:58 pm
Environmental campaign group 'Animals are People Too' will be leading a march on parliament today seeking measures to ban the use of the controversial 'Atkins Trap' by farmers, which they claim "unfairly targets large-headed pregnant female squirrels".
Farmer, Hubert Hammerson, defended his use of the trap saying "ooh ay oots daenna far bae noose don oh skirrels, tae ba sur, ayt oot dawn oon lin ta forrnae ban tae hoogis, nae" but was later arrested by the police division responsible for the enforcement of the confused regional accents bill, the repeal of which does not come into force until January.
Atkins Trap manufacturers VerminCo released a press statement highlighting "Independent scientific research commisioned by our company and using our own independent scientists" that confirms the traps are gender and head-size neutral, despite all evidence suggesting otherwise.
Sport >
SuperFinal Preview : Chinoke Snakes
Mon May 25, 2026 1:59 pm
This year's SuperFinal, which takes place next week at the Holy Ground, is set to be a classic with both teams in top form.
The Chinoke Snakes breezed through their final playoff match against the L.Y. Bears, with star centre Carlton Weaksaway looking sublime as he led his team to a 71-point victory. Weaksaway is ably backed up by cross-liner Matt Venison - the league's leading ballscorer this season - not to mention the world-class wide-reader pair of Bobby Piltdown and Arthur Kopperburn.
If the Snakes have a weakness its in defendering, something Lead Cover Jerome Terrinson recognises : "We know we've got our work cut out with the Diggers. They're a great team.. they're all excellent ballscorers and we know they can produce a rapid forearm shuffle when they need it. But we're training hard and the boys can't wait for the whack off."
Chinoke Snakes Team :
Offensive - Weaksaway, Wilson, Venison, Kopperburn, Piltdown, Burgson, Smith, Bruceybonus, Neanders, Smackerson
Defenderers - Terrinson, Chives, Whittlestick, Brains.
Science & Technology >
Odd-bit computers 'more efficient'
Mon May 25, 2026 1:58 pm
Research initially funded by Armernican defense agency, ADARPA, has found tantalizing evidence that odd-bitted computers are more efficient than the traditional binary square even-bittage.
In a paper published this month in the respected journal, Nurture, researchers at the Mataflopolis Institution of the Technollarrrrs claim that a 7, 13, 35 or 61 bit architecture has a significant power advantage over the traditional 8, 16, 32 or 64 bit systems.
According to research scientist, Benoit Mandelbrosison, "It's the last thing we were expecting, and that is why there is such a power difference. Architectures based on powers of 2 are now so predictable that they've lost the power of surprise, thereby diminishing their overall capacity. Although the element of surprise plays a relatively small part in the overall power of modern computer systems, it is a cumulative effect and we have now reached the point where the combined loss of 'wooah' is greater than the gain of using the traditional, more logical, bifactorial system."
When compared to, say, a nice field of corn or a happy cow, all participants in a survey conducted at the institute were shown to be well wide of the mark, yup.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Festival goers shocked by thing
Sat May 23, 2026 12:22 pm
Gig review: Blue Prince at the Complexity Pit
Wed May 20, 2026 2:43 pm
Oven all the finds
Mon May 18, 2026 12:11 pm
Album Review: Benny Brucebar: Live at the Smokehouse
Fri May 15, 2026 2:17 pm
Performance artist Michel Pappinion's new show
Tue May 12, 2026 1:41 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - up 0.8 at 4128.3ICU up -0.01% against the Euro
Up 8c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
BAZDAK short seller faces clink for sheeping
Despite the growing acceptance of the BAZDAK - the bubble-based and self-proclaimed saviour of the trading sector - the fledgling marketplace faced new threats to its existence this morning after accusations of sheeping were levelled at its most successful member, Huya Lokinat.
Sheeping - a woolly trading method wherein large numbers of low-level stocks are installed on the floor to create unauthorized access to high-level commodities - is illegal outside Armenifrica, but that hasn't prevented the practice taking hold, according to the regulator OFBAZ.
The BAZDAK, which organizes its trades according to height, is generally seen as benefiting lankier traders: the buttons for "Buy", "Sell" or "Panic" are set at a height related to the cost of the commodity in question. According to OFBAZ, the BAZDAK floor has recently featured unusual numbers of stocks that have provided easy access to high-value trades.
Several short sellers have benefited unfairly, an OFBAZ spokesperson said - Lokinat being the most famous. The penalty for sheeping ranges from life-clink to permanent daggets.
The BAZDAK shrank to 3.5 on the news, while the CHAVDEX grew six inches.
Today's Crossword
Fuckballs
Infinite Suduko
