Boson turping banned in Euronia
Thu May 21, 2026 1:44 pm
Euronia's 23 Imaginary member states voted unanimously (with 6 against and 14 abstentions) to ban Boson Turping, which they claim is to blame for significant levels of environment.
Bosons have been turped since the early days of the Industrial Revolution, when manufacturers of cotton weaving equipment first began experimenting with the process to reduce it's squeakiness. Campaigner Jean-Michel Petit-Boulognaise celebrated the vote : "Zis is a great day for ze peeples who are against the Boson Turping, c'est bon! Ou est ma chien?" and was soon dancing in the disco (bumper to bumper) like it was the early 1990s.
But the Boson national senate declared itself outraged by the news, "This is a sad day for Euronia, a blatant attack on the liberty of Bosons. We will protest the vote at the highest levels. We will continue to turp ourselves, it is not the Euronia parliament's decision to make".
Sport >
Snakes edge Bears to go to SuperFinal
Wed May 20, 2026 6:01 am
The build-up to Tuesday night's decider between the Chinoke Snakes and the L.Y. Bears ended up being more exciting than the match itself, as the Snakes dominated the Bears, finishing the game 25 minutes early when Bear's star centre Mickey Jackson fumbled with the safety ball.
The match had started well for the Bears when Halftacker Bobby Harrison pitched up a doozy to put the Snakes down 12 early. But it went rapidly downhill from there on, the Snakes converting from all 5 corners of the park with consummate ease.
The Snakes will meet the Diggers on the Holy Ground in December's SuperFinal.
Full scorecard :
Bears - 12
(Harrison 12 @ 2)
Snakes - 83
(Weaksaway 9 @ 4, 3 @ 5, 6 @ 16, Wilson 12 @ 18, Venison 6 @ 30, 3 @ 32 (+3 pointer), Piltdown 12 @ 33, Kopperburn 6 @ 41, Weaksaway 12 @ 41, 3 @ 49, (Jackson) 8 @ 55 (safety ball) )
Science & Technology >
Probe experiences 'anomaly'
Thu May 21, 2026 1:44 pm
Imaginary Space Agency scientists today reported that the Explorer IV probe suffered a 'minor anomaly' when performing the engine burn that was required to put it into orbit around Marrrrs.
According to Chief ISA Orbital Insertion Specialist, Kurt Verngutson, "The probe suffered a minor directional infringement in its secondary booster system, resulting in a slight orientation anomaly, which itself resulted in the probe experiencing a short period of momentum impingement when it unexpectedly made contact with the planet at a confrontational velocity that briefly exceeded guideline safety limits."
At a press conference later that day, ISA spokesperson Florence Katsenroper confirmed that the probe had "twatted into the planet" and was no longer in contact with the Earth. "This does restrict our ability to complete the science portion of the mission." she explained.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Gig review: Blue Prince at the Complexity Pit
Wed May 20, 2026 2:43 pm
Oven all the finds
Mon May 18, 2026 12:11 pm
Album Review: Benny Brucebar: Live at the Smokehouse
Fri May 15, 2026 2:17 pm
Performance artist Michel Pappinion's new show
Tue May 12, 2026 1:41 pm
IBTV scores a hit with new reality show
Sun May 10, 2026 2:16 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - down 0.9 at 4136.7ICU down -0.06% against the Euro
Down 7c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Growth boost for hedge fund
Rockerbilly, a multinational hedge fund broker, has revealed a significant growth in its hedges across the southern hemisphere this winter.
The results sent Rockerbilly shares soaring before financial managers were able to get a grip and bring them back down to earth, but they still finished up 19, with a 3.6 booner.
Hedge analyst, Matthew Baggerstockson, said the news revealed a pattern in hedge fund growth : "We have found that there's significantly more growth in hedge funds in the southern hemisphere during the winter months, while northern hemisphere hedges tend to perform better during the summer."
Today's Crossword
Godammnit
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