Violet crimewave terrifies black and white community
Tue Jun 23, 2026 2:19 pm
Residents have appealed for urgent action following a spate of violet crime in Monotown.
This little-known community consists entirely of chromatophobes: every person, building, animal and plant has been either entirely black or entirely white since the town was founded in the early 1200s. Until now, that is: Monotownians are being attacked by persons unknown, who jump out of bushes at random and chuck paint all over them. The assailant and paint are always the same shade of purple.
We spoke to the latest victim, Cherry Red, who suffered second-degree splashing in an assault yesterday. "I was minding me own business when he just sort of did it out the blue," she said, adding, "I'll never get this out of me hair."
The Monotown Mayor, Darkness O'Whitely, has called for the PM to put an end to what he called "unspeakable violets", and asked if he could borrow a big cleaning machine to rid the streets of violet grime.
Police later discovered a palette knife used in the assault. In an official statement, Chief Inspector Black said: "The perpetrators here are real artists, and this is going to be a difficult case to crack. We're looking for a person of colour."
Sport >
3rd test, Day 2
Tue Jun 23, 2026 1:16 pm
Day 2 Close
Umbria: 14 with 2 down 1.
Another hot, sunny morning at the Durham Massala ground produced a surprise result in the first session, with Umbrian Captain Majahid Ranmanakoolaban deferring the Pokeham Sweep and Imaginary captain Greggson winning the toss before lunch on Day 2.
This is only the second time in the last 100 years that the toss has been won before the 5th session of play, with the last occurrence during the Imaginary tour of Arstralia in 1934, when the Arstralian captain failed to turn up on the second day due to alcohol poisoning.
Umbrian media was awash with speculation on Ranmanakoolaban's controversial decision, a topic he refused to comment on during the end-of-play press interviews. Off-the-record comments from visitors to the Umbrian dressing room suggested that the early concession was due to a desire to get stuck into the lunch drinks break early, although others have suggested that Majahid had a temporary loss of concentration and had forgotten the rules.
The enforced extended lunch drinks (Lamb Bhuna and Pale Ales) at least went down well with players and spectators alike, with both sets of bars doing good business and the volume of chatter in the crowd reaching fever-pitch as the Umbrian openers staggered out to the middle, slightly the worse for wear, midway through the afternoon.
After a quick drinks break, Imaginary fast chucker Michael Sonson opened the account, sending a few wild ones down the leg and over the rabbit hole before the players retired for Tea.
In the final session of play, Sonson managed to dislodge Umbrian opener, Noobat Cooli, giving offside dipper chucker Stevie Johnsonson the opportunity to put one in the gap, leaving Umbria short of a pair and both sides looking forward to a good rest and a full day's play tomorrow.
Science & Technology >
Probe launch fails
Mon Jun 22, 2026 2:25 pm
The Imaginary Space Investigation Service (ISIS) confirmed today that the Marrrs-bound, multi-billion sheckle 'Explorer V' probe failed to launch correctly at the weekend because it was not plugged in.
Chief ISIS Orbital Insertion Specialist, Kurt Verngutson, explained that "The probe launch execution remained in a sub-optimal progression state following a static alignment disruption in the launcher power-systems."
The probe later launched 16 hours behind schedule when a cleaning lady mistakenly inserted the plug, instead of her hoover, at which point the earth was facing the wrong direction and the misguided booster sent the expensive probe plunging into the sun and whatnot.
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Arts & Entertainment >
Concert performance cancelled after accidents
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Channel 362 reveals new line-up
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Christmas Fantastic album review
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Product Review: 5 litre Elvis
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Markets >
ISE 100 - up 0.7 at 4069ICU up -0.08% against the Euro
Down 3c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Broadspan futures rosy
Investment future derivative merchants, Broadspan, well regarded all up and down the city line through their years of above baseline fruitfulness, have continued their onward march with a set of rosy futures that are bringing traders to their knees with excitement.
"Broadspan's future portfolio makes me soo happy", said one investor, "I've got a portacabin's worth of joy bottled up and eager to pop just as soon as their futures mature and become the past".
So far, Broadspan (BCAP, CFAR, On the NAD-TRAK 100, Underling) haven't budged significantly, and future imperfect still looks some way off, with little danger of the past tense due to regular massage and an overperforming back catalogue that rarely fails to impress. Impress holdings are down 3, relaxed due to massage all down the line, which is a cyclical usual for this time of year.
Today's Crossword
Crapsticks
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