First TV debate ruckus
Wed Apr 29, 2026 1:47 pm
The first televised debate between the two Prime Ministerial candidates resulted in a ruckus when Sir Double-Jamesons accused opponent Margaret Commerson of "not actually being there".
Sir Double-Jamesons has repeatedly refused to acknowledge that female politicians exist, quoting extensively from 19th century historian David Mullarkson's "Why Ladies Cannot Function Correctly When Asked to Provide Rational Arguments for Serious Subjects", and perpetuating the argument that having a female Prime Minister would be impossible as there would be a great disaster every February when they "have their time of the year".
Double-Jamesons also attacked Mrs. Commerson's ability 'to hold her drink', suggesting that it would be dangerous to elect a Prime Minister who was incapable of getting at least 5 times over the limit before vomiting. Mrs Commerson, meanwhile, tried to emphasise the benefits of her economic plan for the country, which includes increasing export duties on North Atlantic Cod.
Sport >
2nd Test - Day 9 Report
Wed Apr 29, 2026 2:17 pm
Day 9 Close
Umbria (1st Innings): 132 all in the hole.
Imaginary (1st Innings): 102 all in the hole.
Umbria (2nd Innings): 443 for 4, all legwise.
In a rare day of abstinence, Umbria's battersmen reaped a points harvest in the fields of the Costcuttle ground in Jillhadi.
The Imaginary chuckers were left downtrodden as Umbrian opening batsman Mahwannacup Bruhinda again demonstrated his class by repeatedly scoring. He was well supported by team-mate Noobat Cooli, who looked equally assured in reaching his first test century.
Tony Greggson's Imaginary team were left without answers for most of the day and looked particularly glum when the afternoon drinks break involved just tea and squash. It was only a late burst from offside dipper chucker, Stevie Johnsonson (who - TV replays seem to suggest - had secreted a hip flask in his whites for the evening session) that gave the Imaginary team any glimmer of hope going in to the last two days of the match.
Science & Technology >
Vagisoft break cloud mould
Tue Apr 28, 2026 5:26 pm
Cloud services provider Vagisoft claim to have 'broken open the mould' in a new software release aimed at companies requiring blue-sky cloud services with a hint of silver lining.
The silver lining, derived from artificial sources, non-intelligence, has been in development for over 86 years using the latest machine leaning techniques, themselves developed when one of the Vagisoft servers developed a small incline, being propped up by a little piece of wood.
Vagisoft's Pressperson, Samantha Nonson, proudly claimed to "have absolutely no idea what any of you are talking about", when questioned by uninterested media partners.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
TV Highlights : Broken Armchair
Tue Apr 28, 2026 5:29 pm
"Worst Sects Scene" award awarded
Fri Apr 24, 2026 1:34 pm
Opening: Fetish gallery contrail nudes
Wed Apr 22, 2026 4:26 am
Music: In My Mouth - Overly Winsome
Mon Apr 20, 2026 10:28 pm
Dead 80's rocker planning a comeback
Fri Apr 17, 2026 1:12 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - up 0.1 at 4141.1ICU up 0.08% against the Euro
Up 6c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Dap-crackers IPO ashamed on FUNDAQ
Dap-crackers Llp, manufacturers of Imaginary pastry-based products, launched their initial IPO, ashamed on FUNDAQ, initially at 180 with 24 takers.
Prices bolted on the news, soon breaking 185 with 35 takers, while rivals J.P.Biscuits plc were down in the dumps, relatively speaking, leaking 6.
Both companies were still up on the market average due to a predicted upturn in pastry-based product demand linked to the Concatanive party's prime ministerial debates.
Today's Crossword
Shitspout
