Party party parliamentary party
Thu Feb 19, 2026 1:32 pm
The multi-nationalist and hedonistic Party party has started a parliamentary party to celebrate their first 5 years of Party partying.
The party, which is expected to last 5 years, was officially started by the Party party representative for North Partyton, Dilly Partyon, who has been giving it large since the 1980s and refuses to be beaten down by the heavy stick.
Party party spokesperson Panty Partypantson said "The Party party has proudly represented party parties for the last 5 years and we hope to continue the party Party for long to come. Sorry, i meant the Party party. Can we cut that bit out in the edit?".
Sport >
Clown claims Fives crown in thrilling Smacker final
Tue Feb 17, 2026 11:59 pm
Fives legend Ivor Shuffleov missed his chance to claim the coveted Triple Fives title at this weekend's Smacker Magnum, we can finally report, now that the traditional post-match blackout has ended.
After a frantic series of heat events, Shuffleov prepared to face his final opponent, a newcomer to the Fives circuit and first-time Smacker competitor known only as Mr Binky.
Shuffleov, competing in his trademark snorkelling gear, started strongly to end the first day's play 6-2 up, having demonstrated his usual flair for double-enders, flicks off the wrist and well-timed finger-thrusts.
His opponent - aping Shuffleov's disguise tactic by competing in full clown regalia - held on grimly to remain just in contention. But everything was to change after nip, when Binky reversed the tables and amazed the crowd with a staggering repertoire of long-corner edge-hangers, subtle thumbstrokes and sliding butts to level the match at 8-all.
The usually unflappable Shuffleov was visibly shaken. It only remained for Binky to claim his crown by stuffing the purse, not once but five times, and with three farthings left on the clock.
Shuffleov declined to comment on his defeat, and left the arena in disgust. Binky, resplendent in his Smacker Magnum tiara, welcomed the attention of the gathered media but answered every question by holding up a sign that said "beep".
Will Binky become the dominant force in Fives that Shuffleov has been? Will Shuffleov return? The coins may be stacked against him, but if the world of Fives has ever proven anything, it's that it takes more than a quick jangle to break the bank.
The upcoming Banger Mashup in Rhyllsworthy promises more drama - and we'll be covering every flip.
Science & Technology >
Atmospheric unit concentration reaches record levels
Thu Feb 19, 2026 1:31 pm
The amount of units in the atmosphere has been steadily rising since the 16th century mathematical revolution, and this year measurements suggest it will reach record levels.
Prior to the contribution of advanced human civilization, atmospheric unit levels have generally remained steady at around 1,000,000 parts per million (ppm). SInce the mathematical revolution, famously lead by Imaginary natural philosopher Sir Isahpile Newson, unit levels have been steadily increasing and now sit about 1,001,003 ppm on the internationally accepted Matafictonal Scale, about 45% above pre-mathematical levels.
Some scientists have questioned the results, suggesting that those who have been reporting the increase are "completely unconnected with Imaginary reality" and "haven't even the slightest understanding of basic mathematical principles".
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Performance artist Michel Pappinion's new show
Tue Feb 17, 2026 1:41 pm
IBTV scores a hit with new reality show
Sun Feb 15, 2026 2:16 pm
New cinema releases
Fri Feb 13, 2026 12:45 pm
Gig Review : Mudpickers at The Tent
Mon Feb 09, 2026 5:08 pm
Theatre Review: Copperson at the Old Nick
Thu Feb 05, 2026 5:04 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - up 0.2 at 4129.2ICU up 0.09% against the Euro
Down 10c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
FUNDAQ upcurve promising
The FUNDAQ has risen like leavened bread, up 44 and all along in promising early morning trading.
Borrowing 15 from its parents for the weekend, the outlook is bright and cheery with not a cross word, a slight scowl but still a merry disposition overall.
Analysts at Loose, White and Gagging shared the promising outlook over social networks, declaring "FUNDAQ makes us happier than a baby with a biscuit, we're jumping up and down like amphetamine-fuelled gibbons and there's no comedown on the horizon". A large ominous dark cloud then formed to the south and a cold wind began to blow.
Up 6 and down 4, not a chance.
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