Giant pig takes over Hamlet
Mon Jun 15, 2026 1:41 pm
A giant pig has taken over Hamlet, forcing residents to seek shelter in the nearby village of Gammon.
The pig's motives are unclear, but speculation is rife.
With just two permanent residents Hamlet is the third smallest city in the country.
"It's ironic really," said Kevin Baconson, a pig refugee. "It's terrible here, and I've wanted to leave for ages, but I didn't read the lease properly and legally I had to stay until something like this happened."
He added, "my neighbour called to say he wanted to leave too, but his door was blocked by a pig's arse. So now it's just him. I love that pig."
Authorities are uncertain how to tackle the problem, and the pig was unable to comment.
Sport >
Ballinhole open day 27
Sat Jun 13, 2026 1:09 pm
Major shocks arrived at the 145th Ballinhole Open at the Titty Grounds today, delayed by a few hours when his driver developed dysentery and had to be replaced temporarily by the chauffeur of Colonel Surprises.
Military maneuvers and excursions aside, the long running saga of this year's Open appears no closer to conclusion after the governing body's controversial decision to switch the tournament to using balls larger than the holes.
Despite whacking a par 5 eagle on the first hole in record time, ballinhole world champion Fugal Horne remains tied to every other competitor on a firm +0 after 0 holes, with no amount of scissoring likely to allow any to break free.
Science & Technology >
Solar Observation Satellite readies for launch
Fri Jun 12, 2026 1:25 pm
Imaginary scientists are completing final preparations in advance of the launch of the new Imaginary Solar Observation Platform (ISOP),the unique $6bn satellite that aims to stare at the sun for too long.
The launch on Tuesday (maybe Monday, if it doesn't take quite as long as they expect to get all the bits connected) ends a tumultuous genesis for the project, which was almost cancelled probably 15 or 16 times.
As Lead Project Scientist Arthur Leadscientistson explains, "When we first proposed the project to stare at the sun for too long, everyone said 'No! You shouldn't stare at the sun for too long'. But we persisted, we kept trying, we persevered, we carried on, we kept on going, we never gave up, we ploughed on, we stuck to our guns and we stood firm. I admit there's a fair chance they were right - certainly most of our hardware tests so far have backed up the theory that you shouldn't stare at the sun for too long - but its only through such dogged, intractable determination that expensive and inevitably fruitless projects like this can ever see the light of day."
Readers should take care never to stare at the sun for too long, and if they do, keep a bucket of water handy and use a card with some holes in it.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Channel 362 reveals new line-up
Mon Jun 15, 2026 2:02 pm
Christmas Fantastic album review
Thu Jun 11, 2026 1:51 pm
Product Review: 5 litre Elvis
Wed Jun 10, 2026 1:24 pm
Imaginary man rues interview opportunity
Mon Jun 08, 2026 2:33 pm
Review: Eczemas Bumper Humper
Thu Jun 04, 2026 1:41 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - down 0.4 at 4156.8ICU down 0.07% against the Euro
Down 9c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Horse trading in unclear bargaining position
"Horse co abstract financials looking good!" said the boss of an unrelated company with no awareness of the situation.
Horse co has been trading low in recent months, hung well down and bucking market trends despite a promising uplift in global market futures. Future market globals meanwhile, not a practice welcomed or encouraged by most in the industry, are still splitting opinion, with half of all analysts questioned suggesting otherwise while the other half refused to comment.
Analysts at Loose, White and Gagging have indicated their willingness to contribute to the debate but only with a substantial insurance policy covering accidental damage as well as all public, private and unconscious liabilities.
Today's Crossword
Wankbasket
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