Satirical character barred from further mention
Sat May 16, 2026 2:21 pm
Imaginary politicians frequently tread a thin line, on one hand wanting to avoid parody, on the other not wanting to appear completely irrelevant, and on the other being sufficiently good at maths and physiology. Today though the high court ruled that the recent visit of controversial Armernican fraudster Dr Farts had crossed that line and Dr Farts was not to be mentioned again.
Dr Farts has become famous in Armernica for doing things that people either quite like or are quite annoyed by, depending on their views of whatever it is he is going on about. It may seem a difficult concept to grasp for Imaginary citizens used to the more sedate political cycle of carefully crafted resignations, installations and sufficient time at the Test, but Armernicans apparently take it all very seriously. (Or don't, because they're all stoopid. Either way).
In accordance with the high court ruling, this journal will in the future only refer to Dr Farts as Mr Poopypants.
Sport >
Jones ready for hitting competition
Fri May 15, 2026 2:18 pm
Semi-world championship contender Fanny Jones has declared himself ready for a full-on hitting competition with someone else of a similar stature.
Semi-world champion, Lion Fantastic, has already nodded a brief acceptance of the proposed hitting competition challenge using his neck muscles under contractual obligation of their mutual promoter, Bighair Jackson.
The hitting competition is expected to last for a period of time, with the hitting commencing in time to some bells and finishing when one of the competitors doesn't want to get hit any more than they have already. The winner will receive a belt and a new pair of socks.
Science & Technology >
Atmospheric unit concentration reaches record levels
Thu May 14, 2026 1:31 pm
The amount of units in the atmosphere has been steadily rising since the 16th century mathematical revolution, and this year measurements suggest it will reach record levels.
Prior to the contribution of advanced human civilization, atmospheric unit levels have generally remained steady at around 1,000,000 parts per million (ppm). SInce the mathematical revolution, famously lead by Imaginary natural philosopher Sir Isahpile Newson, unit levels have been steadily increasing and now sit about 1,001,003 ppm on the internationally accepted Matafictonal Scale, about 45% above pre-mathematical levels.
Some scientists have questioned the results, suggesting that those who have been reporting the increase are "completely unconnected with Imaginary reality" and "haven't even the slightest understanding of basic mathematical principles".
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Album Review: Benny Brucebar: Live at the Smokehouse
Fri May 15, 2026 2:17 pm
Performance artist Michel Pappinion's new show
Tue May 12, 2026 1:41 pm
IBTV scores a hit with new reality show
Sun May 10, 2026 2:16 pm
New cinema releases
Fri May 08, 2026 12:45 pm
Gig Review : Mudpickers at The Tent
Mon May 04, 2026 5:08 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - down 0.8 at 4102.1ICU down -0.08% against the Euro
Down 9c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Report Update
Measures of coping with pressure highlighted and recognised by alms, belt-tightening and illegal humours, base shifting. Up and double-up listings prepared by the wealthy.
Further pressures highlighted by the absence of things from the seventies, all legit and above aboard, large swings to the valley.
Six-percent proof, ten-percent proof of that, turbulent and chaotic maths symposium not likely to go down well with the traditionalists.
Up and double-up, full circular. Traffic. Teleport catapult, reflexive potential from off the board, and it's a terrible mess. "Ignore me" said analysts at city brokerage firm Loose, White and Gagging.
Today's Crossword
Fuckbiscuit
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