Unique hibiscus pottery shamed
Wed Jun 10, 2026 1:56 pm
The usually placid streets of Titiwanna, capital city of Pimplonesia since post-colonial independence expansion in 1965, were the focus of a rare bout of horticulturally themed ceramic shunning this evening.
Residents of the sleepy capital district, north of the river, at the foot of the Ankle mountains, connected by rail to the Shinbone valley, downstream from Kneebone Springs, had their unique Hibiscus kilns ready to fire when power-hungry aristocrats, dressed head to foot in clinicians robes and living on a borrowed appetite, pored scorn on the asymmetrical castings and unergonomic handle shaping.
Mother of three, Four, and her other two daughters, Won and Too, admitted to being somewhat perplexed by the aristocracy's sudden interest in their craft : "I do not understand" she claimed.
The Hibiscus was replaced by Cardamon pods before the kilns were started up in anger.
Sport >
Barbosiosa hits a fifth-straight homie
Wed Jun 10, 2026 1:00 pm
In the world of Armernican sports, few rival the legendary status of Bobby Barbosiosa, who completed his eight straight match tonight with a fifth straight homie underneath the boardwalk.
With 6 on the plate and 2 more back in the dug-out, the odds looked long on Barbosiosa ; already in his long-johns, with a full field set down and counters on all corners. Many spectators had already begun the long trudge home through the cotton fields out back of the Cottonfield Dome but, striding to the plate like a shark on a travellator, Barbosiosa drew many back to their seats as he slowly wound his pipe back, pointed out a minor discrepancy in the outback, and winked to a younger cousin rising hopefully from the left trench.
The opposition pitcher : twisting, jiving, house-eyed - touched his forelock to his plectrum and launched a swingball down the rocket-length with a third on base and another half waiting to go and Barbosiosa took a long, deep, slow step back, swung his arms and propelled himself into the record books.
Then everyone went home and all was ok.
Science & Technology >
Inventor of telescope killed by close-to thing
Tue Jun 09, 2026 2:08 pm
Investigations into a new hoard of historical documents have revealed the truth behind the death of world famous scientist and inventor, Lord Alfred Tennesse-Williams, and blown apart the established story of death by self-flagellation.
Teams from the Central Squad for Historical Investigations conducted extensive research, and referenced numerous documents produced at the time of Tennesse-Williams' death, and proved conclusively that the renowned scientist actually fell down an unseen hole.
Documents reveal that the unfortunate accident was covered up to avoid widespread panic and fear of looking at things far away - something the government of the day was actively encouraging.
"Cabinet records show that Chief of the Treasury, Sir Malcom Bradburyson, was desperate to avoid an epidemic of people only looking at things that were close to them, and believed that Tenessee-Williams' death could have upset the delicate balance between near and far sight that existed in the country at the time", revealed Lead Investigator, Bruce Warmtuskinson.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Product Review: 5 litre Elvis
Wed Jun 10, 2026 1:24 pm
Imaginary man rues interview opportunity
Mon Jun 08, 2026 2:33 pm
Review: Eczemas Bumper Humper
Thu Jun 04, 2026 1:41 pm
Salmon streaming
Tue Jun 02, 2026 2:10 pm
Jackson Jones finds his funk
Fri May 29, 2026 2:34 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - down 0.9 at 4115.2ICU down -0.01% against the Euro
Up 9c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Lastminute holidays suffer customer retention issue
Lastminute Holidays, a firm offering away-day package all-in-one city-break tours to the terminally ill community, admitted today their business model is suffering from a lack of repeat visits.
The Imaginary holiday firm is well-known for its quirky marketing gimmicks ; Customers on their death beds are welcomed at their destinations by Lastminute reps dressed in tattered cloaks and carrying massive scythes. Variations on the traditional holiday camp greetings ; 'Hi de die!' and 'Don't worry, you ain't got long left now' rarely fail to raise a titter or two, except in those cases where the customer has died during the coach journey from the airport.
A spokescat for Lastminute admitted that "Customer retention has always been an issue for us, especially for the budget return packages, where the guest is cremated and returned in hand-luggage for a great value holiday" but also expressed optimism for the business's future : "we're hopeful of a new and growing market as the world comes to an end.", they purred.
Today's Crossword
Godammnit
