Crustians celebrate pushover
Mon Jul 06, 2026 2:26 pm
Today, all over the imaginary world, but mostly in the silly parts up north, Crustians gathered in their traditional block hovels to celebrate the ancient ceremony of pushover. This marks the day when the Crustian relic first appeared to believers pushing a shopping-trolley uphill and singing giddily.
Tradition dictates that Crustians wear salmonskin coats, head to foot, all day long - and many still adhere to the ancient traditions, despite the smell. The modern use of artificial salmonskin by some Beligerant Crustians, though controversial, has yet to inflame the full set of tensions, concerns of which were raised at the most recent Crustian Symphagoog.
Thankfully Crustian leaders have agreed to suspend other more controversial traditions including the burning and stripping of the Great Penile Member and the Choking of the Sacrificial Coat, following repeated complaints in previous years. Rev Lucifer Evilson, Head of the Crustian Symposium, was happy to take questions from the press-gang in exchange for some private time with their children but we declined.
Sport >
Shimmy goes right at the Jazzknackles
Sun Jul 05, 2026 2:00 pm
Morticians United collapsed to a dominant Shimmy in front of a sell-out crowd at the historic Jazzknackle stadium.
Saturday's ball-fling was always going to be a one-way street, but that didn't stop Shimmy from bobbing and weaving their way to an overwhelming 92-0 victory.
"We drove to the ground and got there on time," said Shimmy Manager, Noah Maginationson. "Then we put on our ball-flinging clothes and went out to the oche. After the umpire waved the starting whistle, we played the game and won it."
Morticians was expected to put up more of a fight under new manager, Miasma Ownson, but a lack of communication in the first rump and an apathetic approach to bowl-keeping made Shimmy the likely favourites from the kick-off.
With Shimmy now fourth in line to the Thrown, the league is set for a tumultuous finale, which traditionally comes at the end of the season.
First Half Shimmy:
Freewingle (40), Despotic (41), Garnackle (failed)
Après:
Jimbo (2), Sadist (62), Bobswell (disqualified)
Science & Technology >
Scientists detect dark matter
Mon Jul 06, 2026 1:40 pm
Scientists at the Imaginary Institute of Technobolaarrs have today confirmed detection of a dark matter.
The new discovery follows years of intense research stemming from the first observation of a slightly sinister topic three years ago, itself building on the patient research of hundreds of Imaginary scientists when the first subject with somewhat questionable undertones was detected in the late 1950s.
In a press conference at the Institute earlier today, Lead Scientist Harry Backcrackson confirmed the matter was "pretty damn repulsive and indeed does question the morality of the people involved", before being sick in a bin. All fourteen members of the research team have now been arrested and will be refused access to the internet until they apologise.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Review: Kirson's latest mini-series
Fri Jul 03, 2026 2:34 pm
Bruce Monsoon dies aged 96
Wed Jul 01, 2026 12:19 pm
Rare Margrite goes on display
Fri Jun 26, 2026 2:05 pm
Tears FM hits the airwaves
Wed Jun 24, 2026 12:25 pm
Concert performance cancelled after accidents
Fri Jun 19, 2026 12:34 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - up 0.1 at 4123.4ICU up -0.01% against the Euro
Down 5c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Industrial futures take a turn for the worst
Invest a thousand in industrial futures a decade ago and you'd have turned a tidy profit at today's rate, with future 10-year yields steady at 13% (or a 5 pint double yield in old money). But invest that same amount today and tomorrow you'll have backed the slow house, as tomorrow's future yields are now significantly lower than today's. (8% with a 5 stone back pain).
Trackers and analysts don't yet know for sure what the full implications of this shift mean, with some still optimistic that futures will return to normal when tomorrow, or maybe the day after tomorrow, comes but others are being more bullish, insisting tomorrow is always a day away.
The yield on 10-year tomorrow bonds in the future remains cautious with market watcher Jasper Poisson highlighting the likely depreciation of secondary incomes resulting from the past.
Today's Crossword
Arsebags
Infinite Suduko
