Waxy specialist in purity drive
Mon May 04, 2026 3:40 pm
Jemma Hortiponsonburyson, who has been studying bees for 26 years, has called for government action in response to declining levels of wax purity.
Bees have been increasingly using artificial substitutes in the formation of their wax, ranging from little bits of leaf right up to non-biodegradable plastics. Ms Hortiponsonburyson says "It is time we draw the line. I've had quite enough of these little blighters, polluting the world with their so-called products. We must wipe them out as soon as possible using a combination of neo-nicotinoids and environmental destruction".
A spokesbee, Buzz Busby, refused to speak to our Imaginary reporter.
Sport >
2nd Test - Final Day
Mon May 04, 2026 4:10 pm
The Imaginary team battled hard to secure a difficult draw in the final day at the Costcuttle ground in Jillhadi, largely through an heroic battering display by Jimmy Chives.
After a short, 3-day delay due to the Umbrian switch from summertime, the final day's play commenced with an expectant hush floating around the capacity crowd, tickling the flags and murmuring gently through the assembled plastic pints. Umbria's chuckers knew they had a good chance of taking a series lead with a victory here, but they had just a day and nine drinks breaks to skittle the Imaginary team.
Chives - who was promoted up the order following the retirement in the first innings of Imaginary opener Jim Jimson, under investigation for a drugs related incident - looked assured from the off, carefully playing each long ball through the bucket with soft legs, and gracefully glancing anything down leg through the gap in the long distant blanket. He was partnered admirably by captain Greggson who consistently refused to play at anything until first drinks.
The pair lasted till lunch (a selection of breads, humus, olives and spicy dips, accompanied by a good supply of vintage French Merlots) but Greggson looked unsteady afterwards, soon falling to Umbrian leggy chucker Barswat Mandarath, who had had a quiet match up till that point. Afternoon drinks followed shortly afterwards, and then tea, with Chives still standing firm at the crease. The Imaginary team lost battersmen Greggson, Cookerson and Keeper-Wilson early in the evening session, and it looked like Umbria might clinch the victory before play ended, but a final drinks break and a foreboding cloud ended play early, the captains shaking on the draw at 5:40 (UMT).
We'll be providing full coverage of the final, deciding test of the series that takes place in a few weeks time.
2nd Test - Draw
Umbria (1st Innings): 132 all in the hole.
Imaginary (1st Innings): 102 all in the hole.
Umbria (2nd Innings): 467 all in the hole.
Imaginary (2nd Innings): 175 for 6, all home safe.
Science & Technology >
Review: Archaeanthrominipolitical underground
Mon May 04, 2026 3:40 pm
In respected archaeologist Professor Alice Tebbutson's second book, she attempts to filter the evidence relating to the political structures of the ancient M'kapoto peoples of sub-surerian Armenifrica, who lived in small underground tunnels approximately 3,400 years ago.
Based on recent findings, including the widely reported skeleton of a crouching boy, Professor Tebbutson raises the interesting prospect that the M'kapoto people used a system of diminutive dominance, where the smallest of the tribe acquired the most power.
Of course, Professor Tebbutson dismisses outright the recent tabloid suggestions that the M'kapoto people still exist but have evolved to such a size that we can no longer see them, but she does raise the interesting prospect that they may have developed space travel and now live on the moon.
4/5
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Gig Review : Mudpickers at The Tent
Mon May 04, 2026 5:08 pm
Theatre Review: Copperson at the Old Nick
Thu Apr 30, 2026 5:04 pm
TV Highlights : Broken Armchair
Tue Apr 28, 2026 5:29 pm
"Worst Sects Scene" award awarded
Fri Apr 24, 2026 1:34 pm
Opening: Fetish gallery contrail nudes
Wed Apr 22, 2026 4:26 am
Markets >
ISE 100 - up 0.5 at 4139.2ICU up 0.01% against the Euro
Up 5c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Caspar Wine Burger profits boost
Fast food chain Caspar has announced a 44% increase in 2nd quarter profits after a successful launch of its new 'Wine Burger' range.
The new range of alcoholic burgers has been condemned by health-campaigners, who were invited to Caspar's recent AGM and shot. Since then, the new products have helped increase turnover at the chain's restaurants by 67%, but with a corresponding 28% costs increase through having to employ more cleaners.
Shares in Caspar, which have been dead since 2006, have done the full Ronald and are likely to funellate themselves slowly in the 3rd quarter.
Today's Crossword
Twatholes
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