Pole rises impressively despite election bungle
Thu Jun 18, 2026 12:30 pm
Emmanuel Pole is the front-running candidate in the upcoming Worshireshire local election, according to Survey, the company that does surveys of various things.
The election appeared unannounced one morning, and came as a shock according to those close to sources. The initial furore has since died down.
Pole stands on a manifesto upheld by many needy citizens "because they like it", he said. He was not originally favourite for the position, but has managed to garner support with his "Just Do It" campaign.
"As a slogan, it resonates," said a man on a street. "I can almost imagine it on a t-shirt or something. That's the kinda thing I'd vote for."
Pole's gains have been made in spite of the scandal and subsequent lawsuit involving Ms. Anything-Goeth, heiress to the Double-Jamesons' fortune. Pole was sued by Lord Double-Jamesons himself, in an attempt to stop Pole standing, after accusations of Unacceptable Hustings with a Lady in a Public Place.
It was to be a landmark forensic case, until the Double-Jamesons' team was forced to drop its suit against Pole after admitting to have lost his deposit.
Sport >
The Narcolympics comes to Armenifrica
Thu Jun 18, 2026 12:18 pm
After a hotly-contested battle to host this year's Narcolympics, it is Armenifrica that will play host to one of the biggest new sporting events on the planet.
The Narcolympics was founded more than a decade after a group of minor athletes, and their university friends, became fed up of drug-taking accusations in traditional sports, and set up a competing event where you can take whatever you like.
Our own Imaginary Johnny "roll-em" Stoneson is favourite for the darts. "I'm here to make a point," he giggled, and it promises to be contest worth watching as he squares up to the Euronian favourite, Anne Fetamin.
Other Imaginary competitors include Telly Tallsson, who makes his debut in the pole vault after spending a year on the rack, and Mary-Jane Tinyson, who is pretty good at javelin when she remembers to chuck it the right way. The 100 meters is likely to be won by the Simerian, Jessica Bear, who has already set a world record this year by breaking into 100 meters in less than an hour.
Of course, the excitement doesn't end there: the Paralytics will be taking place at the same time, when the world's best athletes are force-fed sedatives to see just how well they perform when they're brought down to the level of normal people, or children.
Organisers faced criticism for "having such a stupid idea" but riposted with "Seriously? What's more fun than watching a champion fencer losing their sh*t while a 6-year-old hits them with an axe?"
We're entering into the spirit of both events and will have live coverage as it all happens. Well, live-ish.
Science & Technology >
New DNA evidence reveals early human behaviour
Wed Jun 17, 2026 12:14 pm
Evidence unearthed from cave samples dating back to the dawn of human civilization - somewhere between 17 months and 35 squillion years ago according to inaccurate carbon-dating techniques - has revealed high levels of silliness in primitive human cultures
Amongst gnarled mammoth bones, flinty spear heads and the remains of primitive wooden structures, archaeologists discovered evidence of large swathes of daftness, with groups of pre-sapien hominids - possibly a family or small tribe - showing many traits that would be familiar to groups of silly people living today.
Chief Archaeologist, and captain of the under 15s volleyball team, Tim Limdimson-Haggenberry, suggested the new research could shed new light on many previously unexplained findings, primarily in the sense of them being silly.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Floral response presentation
Wed Jun 17, 2026 1:07 pm
Channel 362 reveals new line-up
Mon Jun 15, 2026 2:02 pm
Christmas Fantastic album review
Thu Jun 11, 2026 1:51 pm
Product Review: 5 litre Elvis
Wed Jun 10, 2026 1:24 pm
Imaginary man rues interview opportunity
Mon Jun 08, 2026 2:33 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - up 0.6 at 4149.2ICU up 0.06% against the Euro
Up 3c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Lard and Tithe Punting Fund Closure
Veteran brokerage firm Lard and Tithe have closed their punting fund in a move that reflects market trends to wipe down brokerings with interest lack rates at record levels.
The move came as no surprise to most on the floor, after Lard's Chief Executive's weekend statement to investors highlighted the likelihood of future uptown girls, with the red dress on, and a double whiskey with no ice.
Analysts at corporate broker partners Iggleston & Son considered today's announcement to be "the icing on the cake of the crematorium sweeping's end of the line bake off" ; everyone here was happy enough with that and went off down to the pub to celebrate.
All the points were up 3 after the announcement bar the westerlies which were all over the place, sometimes left, sometimes right, and jiggling about like ants in a microwave.
Today's Crossword
Shit
Infinite Suduko
