Soldier gets Ballsey Cross
Mon May 18, 2026 12:58 pm
An Imaginary soldier received the Ballsey Cross for bravery during a special ceremony at Waresior Palace this week.
The soldier, who cannot be named for security reasons, was referred to only as 'Sergeant Two'.
When 'Sergeant One' was badly injured by enemy fire, the Ballsey winner led troops on a daring mission to rescue 235 innocent civilians imprisoned by a Foreign Power, which also cannot be named.
The military veteran, who is due to retire next week, shouted at our reporter that he plans to publish an account of the action.
His book,Two's Company Frees a Crowd, should be in shops in time for Eczemas.
Sport >
Coach fired after encouraging players to 'fight'
Mon May 18, 2026 2:52 pm
Coach Leonard Timpson was today removed from his role at the Acton Wasps after being found responsible for an on-field incident that resulted in the death of 19 players.
The match between the Wasps and local rivals the Stenthope Swingers had progressed normally, with the Swingers going in to the halftime break 6 points up. But during the half time prep talk Timpson reportedly told his players to "go out there and fight", and to "take it to the opposition like your life depended on it. Show no mercy!".
Neither team are known for their high levels of intelligence but the bloodbath that followed was still shocking to both spectators. The slaughter was eventually stopped by the arrival of a hotdog van which distracted the remaining Wasps players long enough for them to be rounded up and shot.
Timpson's trial for Incitement to Murder will commence at the County Magistrates Court on the 16th, tickets 4.50, drinks included.
Science & Technology >
Woman says Bigger Pingus doesn't count
Sun May 17, 2026 12:51 pm
A new report proves that yet another popular belief has turned out to be neither popular nor correct.
Professor Woman, head assistant at Oxtail University, has revealed the outcome of three months' intensive testing of various sizes of Pingus.
"I honestly don't know who's paying for this research, but I don't like it," said Woman. "It makes me breathless just thinking about it, but I suppose if you give me the money I'll do it for science."
Prof. Woman tested multiple Pinguses in multiple positions. At no time was the rare Bigger Pingus able to count.
"I really don't know who thought they could. I mean, it's obvious isn't it?" she said.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Oven all the finds
Mon May 18, 2026 12:11 pm
Album Review: Benny Brucebar: Live at the Smokehouse
Fri May 15, 2026 2:17 pm
Performance artist Michel Pappinion's new show
Tue May 12, 2026 1:41 pm
IBTV scores a hit with new reality show
Sun May 10, 2026 2:16 pm
New cinema releases
Fri May 08, 2026 12:45 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - down 1.0 at 4073.7ICU down -0.01% against the Euro
Up 7c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Report Update
Measures of coping with pressure highlighted and recognised by alms, belt-tightening and illegal humours, base shifting. Up and double-up listings prepared by the wealthy.
Further pressures highlighted by the absence of things from the seventies, all legit and above aboard, large swings to the valley.
Six-percent proof, ten-percent proof of that, turbulent and chaotic maths symposium not likely to go down well with the traditionalists.
Up and double-up, full circular. Traffic. Teleport catapult, reflexive potential from off the board, and it's a terrible mess. "Ignore me" said analysts at city brokerage firm Loose, White and Gagging.
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