Semi-queen opens annual dogtail event
Fri Jun 19, 2026 1:38 pm
The tradition of the Imaginary Semi-Queen opening the yearly dogtail event stretches back to the early years of the semi-monarchy, and the current Semi-Queen has performed the necessary functions every year without fail since she first attended the ceremony in 1969. (Thats except for the period from 1983 to 1997 when the dogtail event was quarantined on health grounds, and between 2004 and 2012 when the Semi-Queen was quarantined on health grounds).
With the usual pomp, a dollop of ceremony and a poop-bag bursting at the seams, the Semi-Queen cut the ribbon that kept the tails together and once again was nearly swamped by a minor stampede of anesthesiologists looking for an edge and an opening into the second round. Unfortunately - slightly above the tally for last year's event - there were 14 serious injuries and 6 deaths during the opening salvos.
Most of the top 50 dogtail slots have now been decided with the second round commencing on the Parade Ground on Thursday.
Sport >
3rd Test preview
Fri Jun 19, 2026 1:08 pm
The third and final Test of the historic 50th Umbrian series commences on Sunday at the Durham Massala Stadium, with both teams hopeful of getting their hands on the Nude Gandhalli Trophy.
The traditional wash-out of the first test and the tense draw of the second leaves all 6 results still a possibility, though bookmakers have Umbria firm favourites. Test pundit (and ex Imaginary Captain) Ian Boson agrees : "Much as I hate to say it, the Umbrians have a big advantage here.. The bars, the spectators and the pitch are all leggy-friendly and will suit Umbrian Leggy Chucker, Barswat Mandarath. The Imaginary attack is good but the pitch's under-hole and Umbria's tendency to fall leg-side negates much of the threat from Stevie Johnsonson (Imaginary Offside Dipper Chucker)."
Imaginary captain Tony Greggson, sipping on a pre-match manhattan, remains optimistic, "We have every chance here. The lads have been working hard all round the bucket during training.. everyone is fit, raring to go.. There's no reason we can't go out there and do something that is highly unlikely and no-one has ever done before".
Meanwhile, the Umbrian squad has been drinking heavily behind closed doors in preparation for the first day's play.
The Umbrian and Imaginary teams have faced each other in Tests in Umbria every four years since 1814 (stopping only during the 1st, 3rd and 4th Hundoo wars). This is the 50th such encounter between the two teams, with Umbria having won the last 7 series at home.
Science & Technology >
New probe to be launched this weekend
Fri Jun 19, 2026 2:49 pm
The newly renamed (and refurbished) Imaginary Space Investigation Service (ISIS) has confirmed all is on track, looking good and tickety-boo for the 'Explorer V' probe which is planned to launch this weekend.
If all goes well, the Explorer will be lifted through the atmosphere and enter semi-stationary orbit on Sunday evening. After a brief systems check in which a robot arm will reach out and jiggle some wires about to make sure they're properly attached, the probe's engines will burn for an additional 125 hours setting it on its long journey to Marrrrrs.
Assuming the burn completes successfully, the probe will then be put into semi-hibernation as it traverses the 850 million miles between the planets (during the semi-hibernation phase the probe will wake only occasionally to perform a system dump), before waking and firing its engines a final time to enter an elliptical orbit around Marrrrrs in around 3 months time (Earth time).
We'll be providing regular updates on the mission as they occur.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Concert performance cancelled after accidents
Fri Jun 19, 2026 12:34 pm
Floral response presentation
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Christmas Fantastic album review
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Markets >
ISE 100 - up 0.7 at 4146.6ICU up 0.09% against the Euro
Down 5c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Stock markets jittery following chicken / vegetable shift
Stock markets across the globe have experienced wide swings following the release of unexpected data suggesting a large shift in the chicken - vegetable stock balance.
Chicken Stocks opened down 50 on Jindonesian markets, before recovering gladly, while vegetable stocks were seen to rise, fall and go round and round. As the FUNDAC opened, these drastic swings were translated to the Armernican markets which were down 400 by lunch, recovering slightly by close of play following a series of solid forward defensive strokes.
Stock watcher Martin Chuzzleson was one of few unsurprised by the news : "Chicken stocks have been on the boil for a while now so it was almost inevitable that someone would have to come along and turn it down a notch, otherwise it would have boiled over and gone all over the hob. I believe Vegetable stock has had less heat and has been in the pan for a much shorter time, and this is exactly what we're seeing in homes and businesses right across the world."
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