Dangerous hipster shrinking craze spreads
Wed May 13, 2026 1:33 pm
Teenagers in Armernica have been warned of the dangers of a new 'shrinking' craze that has been spreading across the Mid-West.
Hipster children as young as 13 have been found taking combinations of Imaginary designer drugs Peppincolocide and Laburnium, which can result in irreversible reductions in stature. Bobby Ratsenburger, 15, has been using the drugs for 4 years, and is now just 2ft 6 : "Its just a bit of a laugh, innit, bro. We's, like, funning it up with the high-pitched voices n shizzle" or some such.
But there is a darker side, with medical services having reported over 100 serious cases, including numerous injuries caused by 'normal' sized people accidentally stepping on the tiny hipster users. There have also been 4 reported fatalities, one being caused when an active 'PeppiLaber' fell down a crack in the pavement. (Or 'Sidewalk' as it is known in Armernica).
Sport >
Clown claims Fives crown in thrilling Smacker final
Tue May 12, 2026 11:59 pm
Fives legend Ivor Shuffleov missed his chance to claim the coveted Triple Fives title at this weekend's Smacker Magnum, we can finally report, now that the traditional post-match blackout has ended.
After a frantic series of heat events, Shuffleov prepared to face his final opponent, a newcomer to the Fives circuit and first-time Smacker competitor known only as Mr Binky.
Shuffleov, competing in his trademark snorkelling gear, started strongly to end the first day's play 6-2 up, having demonstrated his usual flair for double-enders, flicks off the wrist and well-timed finger-thrusts.
His opponent - aping Shuffleov's disguise tactic by competing in full clown regalia - held on grimly to remain just in contention. But everything was to change after nip, when Binky reversed the tables and amazed the crowd with a staggering repertoire of long-corner edge-hangers, subtle thumbstrokes and sliding butts to level the match at 8-all.
The usually unflappable Shuffleov was visibly shaken. It only remained for Binky to claim his crown by stuffing the purse, not once but five times, and with three farthings left on the clock.
Shuffleov declined to comment on his defeat, and left the arena in disgust. Binky, resplendent in his Smacker Magnum tiara, welcomed the attention of the gathered media but answered every question by holding up a sign that said "beep".
Will Binky become the dominant force in Fives that Shuffleov has been? Will Shuffleov return? The coins may be stacked against him, but if the world of Fives has ever proven anything, it's that it takes more than a quick jangle to break the bank.
The upcoming Banger Mashup in Rhyllsworthy promises more drama - and we'll be covering every flip.
Science & Technology >
Probe releases rubbish images
Mon May 11, 2026 3:18 pm
The Imaginary Space Agency released the first images from the Explorer IV probe, currently halfway through its 60 million mile journey to Marrrrs.
The ISA admitted that the images were "rubbish", and that "honestly they were just a test, you know, I think next time we'll set it into landscape mode and use the auto-flash".
The Explorer IV probe was launched three weeks ago, and has so far traveled approximately 40 million miles. ISA scientists are "fairly certain" that it is going the right way. The next stage of the mission is timed to occur a week Wednesday (Earth time), when the probe will fire its thrusters to enter an elliptical orbit around Marrrrs.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Performance artist Michel Pappinion's new show
Tue May 12, 2026 1:41 pm
IBTV scores a hit with new reality show
Sun May 10, 2026 2:16 pm
New cinema releases
Fri May 08, 2026 12:45 pm
Gig Review : Mudpickers at The Tent
Mon May 04, 2026 5:08 pm
Theatre Review: Copperson at the Old Nick
Thu Apr 30, 2026 5:04 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - down 0.3 at 4134.9ICU down 0.06% against the Euro
Up 6c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
FUNDAQ upcurve promising
The FUNDAQ has risen like leavened bread, up 44 and all along in promising early morning trading.
Borrowing 15 from its parents for the weekend, the outlook is bright and cheery with not a cross word, a slight scowl but still a merry disposition overall.
Analysts at Loose, White and Gagging shared the promising outlook over social networks, declaring "FUNDAQ makes us happier than a baby with a biscuit, we're jumping up and down like amphetamine-fuelled gibbons and there's no comedown on the horizon". A large ominous dark cloud then formed to the south and a cold wind began to blow.
Up 6 and down 4, not a chance.
Today's Crossword
Balls
Infinite Suduko
