Hardensoft in Toad Overflow Crisis
Tue Feb 10, 2026 3:02 pm
Indernet giant Hardensoft has dismissed early reports suggesting that over-use of their search technology has lead to a massive increase in the toad population in upstate, mid-town, intercity Kuntecky.
Residents of the remote, dusty, Armernican town claimed that since Hardensoft opened up their Kuntecky data center the number of toads in their town has increased ten-fold. Mr William Pantyforce - struggling to hold on to a wriggling bag marked "Loads of Toads" - told our reporter, "No, sirreee, oi 'ave no idea where all deez toads are all a-coming from, aye but it definitely started 'appening when they brought in that big fancy technology. Ya saw it, dinchya, Bob?". Bob was unable to comment, due to a speech impediment and a massive bag of toads.
Since the opening of the data-centre, toads have been spilling out of drains and water mains in the town in vast numbers and scientists currently have no explanation for the phenomena.
Sport >
2nd Test - Final Day
Mon Feb 09, 2026 4:10 pm
The Imaginary team battled hard to secure a difficult draw in the final day at the Costcuttle ground in Jillhadi, largely through an heroic battering display by Jimmy Chives.
After a short, 3-day delay due to the Umbrian switch from summertime, the final day's play commenced with an expectant hush floating around the capacity crowd, tickling the flags and murmuring gently through the assembled plastic pints. Umbria's chuckers knew they had a good chance of taking a series lead with a victory here, but they had just a day and nine drinks breaks to skittle the Imaginary team.
Chives - who was promoted up the order following the retirement in the first innings of Imaginary opener Jim Jimson, under investigation for a drugs related incident - looked assured from the off, carefully playing each long ball through the bucket with soft legs, and gracefully glancing anything down leg through the gap in the long distant blanket. He was partnered admirably by captain Greggson who consistently refused to play at anything until first drinks.
The pair lasted till lunch (a selection of breads, humus, olives and spicy dips, accompanied by a good supply of vintage French Merlots) but Greggson looked unsteady afterwards, soon falling to Umbrian leggy chucker Barswat Mandarath, who had had a quiet match up till that point. Afternoon drinks followed shortly afterwards, and then tea, with Chives still standing firm at the crease. The Imaginary team lost battersmen Greggson, Cookerson and Keeper-Wilson early in the evening session, and it looked like Umbria might clinch the victory before play ended, but a final drinks break and a foreboding cloud ended play early, the captains shaking on the draw at 5:40 (UMT).
We'll be providing full coverage of the final, deciding test of the series that takes place in a few weeks time.
2nd Test - Draw
Umbria (1st Innings): 132 all in the hole.
Imaginary (1st Innings): 102 all in the hole.
Umbria (2nd Innings): 467 all in the hole.
Imaginary (2nd Innings): 175 for 6, all home safe.
Science & Technology >
Review: Archaeanthrominipolitical underground
Mon Feb 09, 2026 3:40 pm
In respected archaeologist Professor Alice Tebbutson's second book, she attempts to filter the evidence relating to the political structures of the ancient M'kapoto peoples of sub-surerian Armenifrica, who lived in small underground tunnels approximately 3,400 years ago.
Based on recent findings, including the widely reported skeleton of a crouching boy, Professor Tebbutson raises the interesting prospect that the M'kapoto people used a system of diminutive dominance, where the smallest of the tribe acquired the most power.
Of course, Professor Tebbutson dismisses outright the recent tabloid suggestions that the M'kapoto people still exist but have evolved to such a size that we can no longer see them, but she does raise the interesting prospect that they may have developed space travel and now live on the moon.
4/5
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Gig Review : Mudpickers at The Tent
Mon Feb 09, 2026 5:08 pm
Theatre Review: Copperson at the Old Nick
Thu Feb 05, 2026 5:04 pm
TV Highlights : Broken Armchair
Tue Feb 03, 2026 5:29 pm
"Worst Sects Scene" award awarded
Fri Jan 30, 2026 1:34 pm
Opening: Fetish gallery contrail nudes
Wed Jan 28, 2026 4:26 am
Markets >
ISE 100 - down 1.0 at 4113.1ICU down 0.08% against the Euro
Down 7c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
C co up high, down low
C co., manufacturers of cereals, crockery and carpets today announced record profits, but revealed a miserable tendency.
Turnover, margins and marginal turnovers were all up at the diverse Imaginary factory outlet, and shareholders welcomed the accounts with a right little knees-up. But C CEO, Philip Carson, just couldn't help getting all down about things, moaning that "it doesn't really mean anything does it? I mean, in the greater picture.. So we've made a load of money.. we've sold loads of cereals, crockery and carpets. But whats it actually mean? We're all still gonna die. I'll have a bit more stuff than most of you lot for a while, but in the end, we're all dust."
C shares rocked all day long to the beat of a distant drum, before rising sharply, sinking slowly then leveling off mid-flight.
Today's Crossword
Fuckballs
