Senate comittee committed to manatee
Tue Apr 14, 2026 12:26 pm
Today in armernica, the congressy group of senators, dressed as gladiators, with one half-bull minotaur, agreed (in principle) to maintain their commitment to the manatee, the aquatic cow like creature that has all the features of a cow except any of them.
Cows stand in fields and eat grass, unlike the manatee which swims and according to some ne'er-do-wells, provides an origin to the tales of the mermaids, because, you know, i guess you would, wouldn't you, if you'd been on a boat long enough.
It is widely believed the the manatees only appear to armernican politicians in beams of light in the early afternoon if there is a firm agreement for them to be accompanied by other aquatic species once every 76 years, when the senate manatee matinee comittee commits Haley's comet manta rays, and not to be confused with the tardigrades which look the same but are much tinier.
Sport >
Doubleuptop wins Annual World Championship Final
Tue Apr 14, 2026 12:36 pm
Armernican superstar Marcus Doubleuptop confirmed his dominance today by defeating Imaginary champion William Wilson in the Annual World Championship final held at the Effigy Stadium in Bruids.
Wilson started well, with an opening 6 pointer, a triple-back and a cross perigree, but Doubleuptop's back-handed return of a daft compliment, a wide ball and a (eponymous) double-up-top soon put the local challenger on the back foot. The use of the back foot disqualified Wilson from the remainder of the first round, with Doubleuptop able to carry on unchallenged (and on both front feet), gaining himself full marks with a triple crescendo, a bull sample and a risk-free handjob.
The second round was closer ; Wilson forcibly parrying Doubleuptop's forearm and gaining the higher ground with a floating delivery just outside of hours, but again Doubleuptop's expertise shone through when he rode the donkey back down to the main town with a three ball plant.
With only a slim chance for Wilson to avert the inevitable, the third, and final, round ended prematurely when Wilson popped off without intervention and Doubleuptop was able to stroll home with victory in the bag, which he later returned following police inquiries.
Science & Technology >
Scientists detect dark matter
Mon Apr 13, 2026 1:40 pm
Scientists at the Imaginary Institute of Technobolaarrs have today confirmed detection of a dark matter.
The new discovery follows years of intense research stemming from the first observation of a slightly sinister topic three years ago, itself building on the patient research of hundreds of Imaginary scientists when the first subject with somewhat questionable undertones was detected in the late 1950s.
In a press conference at the Institute earlier today, Lead Scientist Harry Backcrackson confirmed the matter was "pretty damn repulsive and indeed does question the morality of the people involved", before being sick in a bin. All fourteen members of the research team have now been arrested and will be refused access to the internet until they apologise.
Unrelated stories:
Politics > Leaked video appears to show PM 'wearing little booties' in the 1990s
Posted 2 months ago
Business > FairAir offers passengers opportunity to stand with their arms outstretched
Posted 5 weeks ago
Arts & Entertainment >
Latest blockbuster busts loads of blocks
Tue Apr 14, 2026 1:14 pm
Review: Kirson's latest mini-series
Fri Apr 10, 2026 2:34 pm
Bruce Monsoon dies aged 96
Wed Apr 08, 2026 12:19 pm
Rare Margrite goes on display
Fri Apr 03, 2026 2:05 pm
Tears FM hits the airwaves
Wed Apr 01, 2026 12:25 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - down 0.2 at 4097.6ICU down -0.09% against the Euro
Down 9c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Has Biteoff bitten off more than he can chew?
Markets worldwide rose early this morning to overnight news that unicorn investor Musky Biteoff has dumped a Bitten in a caramel swamp, double underpinned by shorts.
As usual, the news sent markets spinning, in turmoil and whatnot, things going up and down, dividends threatened, charts off the charts, while Biteoff remained content in his position (in the pub) with the Bitten enjoying a Bitter. Biteoff's vast wealth inevitably means the expectation of a healthy round, but starting at 8am? Seriously. Even for him this is a mark.
Analysts at VK Micherangeroo (new division) were nervous but agreed to agree with any statement we attributed to them on the grounds of being fictitious.
Today's Crossword
Fucksticks
Poetry Corner
