Dangerous shrinking craze revealed to be 'No serious threat to society"
Fri May 29, 2026 12:15 pm
After a series of reports of dangerously shrunken hipster users causing fundamental damage to society, it has today been discovered that none of it was true.
Speaking to reporters outside Hipster Central, Head Hipster, Felatio Dynamison, confessed "the whole thing has been a great misunderstanding. Those hipsters we thought were tiny were actually just significantly further away, and this mistake was compounded by a series of rather simplistic photoshop jobs".
"We apologies to all those families affected", he claimed, though we have no evidence to believe anything he says anymore, especially without obviously photoshopped pictorial evidence.
Sport >
SuperFinal Preview : Budlington Diggers
Thu May 28, 2026 1:55 pm
The Diggers vs Snakes match-up in this year's SuperFinal, which takes place next week at the Holy Ground, could well be a classic..
After months of preparation and weeks of anticipation, Diggers' star centre Leahawk Sparkbanner believe his team has got what it takes to win the SuperFinal : "I believe we've got what it takes to win the SuperFinal", he said today, relaxing by the pool at his Bulberry Hill condo. "The Snakes are a good team, but I don't think they've got what it takes. I think we've got what it takes. What does it take? The stuff we've got. They ain't got that stuff, we've got it."
The Diggers have had an easy run-up to the SuperFinal - their final playoff round against the Seeingeye Moles was abandoned when the Moles team were arrested for possession with intent to supply - but its possible the extended rest-period will work against them. Diggers' Lead Cover, Chuck Backswipe is alert to the peril, noting that they've "been working extra hard this past couple of weeks to make sure we don't get rusty" while coach Rusty Couple has been drilling the players daily.
Budlington Diggers Team :
Offensive - Sparkbanner, Maulhouse, Barmstein, Brown, Dickchurch, Monroe, Johnson, Moses, Mookowski, Wedgin
Defenderers - Backswipe, Tarpenhaut, Wilson, Carlston
Science & Technology >
Grrravity deflection detected by top scienceman
Fri May 29, 2026 2:31 pm
The force of Grrravity, which science claims has been consistently downwards since the formation of the imaginary universe some three hundred and twenty years ago, is showing signs of having moved ever so slightly to the left.
In an exclusive interview with INN, top scienceman Byron Clocks revealed the results of research he claims to have been working on in secret for the past two weeks.
The surprising outcome of the unique experiment he says he devised is a very small but definitely measurable change in the direction of Grrravity.
“The idea came to me after an admittedly quite tiring celebration with friends,” Clocks said. “Using everyday household items to hand at the time – a hammock, some industrial lubricant and a small collection of ping-pong balls – I created a variant of the famous Bongo-Watson proof, but turned upside down.“
“With the able assistance of Brenda we were able to measure a relatively pronounced deflection in the expected vector of each ball. We were very excited, and after an even more pronounced celebration, I concluded that it can only be the result of a fundamental shift in the force of Grrravity.”
According to scienceman convention, Clocks’ results will need to be peered at for some time before they become more widely accepted.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Jackson Jones finds his funk
Fri May 29, 2026 2:34 pm
Book Review: The Turn of the Shoe
Wed May 27, 2026 1:39 pm
Imaginary news site pulls really offensive headline
Tue May 26, 2026 11:56 am
Festival goers shocked by thing
Sat May 23, 2026 12:22 pm
Gig review: Blue Prince at the Complexity Pit
Wed May 20, 2026 2:43 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - up 0.8 at 4131.3ICU up -0.03% against the Euro
Up 3c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Harbinger of Doom releases disappointing profit forecast
Retail giant Harbinger, based in the small West Cortlenish town of Doom, today released disappointing third quarter profit forecasts.
Harbinger CEO Philip Sadface issued a statement to accompany the forecast, but it was just a scrawl in black crayon. Analysts at Loose, White and Gagging suggested, "This kind of forecast from Harbinger is not exactly unexpected. Retail profits have been broadly murky-looking for the past few months and Cortleny in particular has been slow to recover from last year's repression".
Hidden within the figures there is brighter news, however, according to people familiar with the situation. These people are called Optimists and are always cheery while making contact lenses or spectacles. Harbinger was down 2.5% at the opening, but recovered to practically horizontal by the mid-afternoon tea and biscuits.
Today's Crossword
Shit
