Nearby 'Gamma Burst' unlikely to affect Imaginary News site
Wed Jan 21, 2026 1:05 pm
Imaginary Space Agency scientists have said that they are 'fairly confident' that the detection of a Gamma Burst in the relatively nearby constellation of Vaginarius will not cause disruption to the Imaginary News Network.
Some amateur skywatchers had previously claimed that the Gamma Burst will knock out indernet communications, cause satellites to implode, disrupt power-grids and result in Imaginary journalists leaving their jobs and taking up gardening.
For no reason that we can determine, Skywatcher Kevin Daughterson read out a short, awful poem : "It was in December, If I remember, correctly. An alien came down, in a gown, to inspect me. I was prodded, I was probed, I was partially disrobed. They left and now I long for the attention."
You can spot the Vaginarius constellation in the east, shortly after sunset ; it looks like an inverted camel's hoof.
Sport >
Doubleuptop wins Annual World Championship Final
Tue Jan 20, 2026 12:36 pm
Armernican superstar Marcus Doubleuptop confirmed his dominance today by defeating Imaginary champion William Wilson in the Annual World Championship final held at the Effigy Stadium in Bruids.
Wilson started well, with an opening 6 pointer, a triple-back and a cross perigree, but Doubleuptop's back-handed return of a daft compliment, a wide ball and a (eponymous) double-up-top soon put the local challenger on the back foot. The use of the back foot disqualified Wilson from the remainder of the first round, with Doubleuptop able to carry on unchallenged (and on both front feet), gaining himself full marks with a triple crescendo, a bull sample and a risk-free handjob.
The second round was closer ; Wilson forcibly parrying Doubleuptop's forearm and gaining the higher ground with a floating delivery just outside of hours, but again Doubleuptop's expertise shone through when he rode the donkey back down to the main town with a three ball plant.
With only a slim chance for Wilson to avert the inevitable, the third, and final, round ended prematurely when Wilson popped off without intervention and Doubleuptop was able to stroll home with victory in the bag, which he later returned following police inquiries.
Science & Technology >
New developments raise hopes for fusion cuisine power
Wed Jan 21, 2026 2:44 pm
The dreams of unlimited power generated by fusion cuisine took a step closer to becoming reality today when scientists confirmed they had achieved net weight gain in experiments carried out last year.
Fusion cuisine reactions have been hailed for years as the solution to some of the imaginary world's biggest problems, including the issues with the central heating and long-needed replacements for so-called 'light bulbs', but drunk critics have pointed out that fusion cuisine always seems to be at least 50 yards away and uphill.
The results published today in presumably specialist adult journal 'Mature' prove conclusively that scientists achieved net weight gain between August and October last year after using the Just-EaTER app to combine over 1,000 micro-newton-grams of noodles with chips and a curry. Commercial application of the technology still remains some distance away due to the delivery charges and the need to create an email address to sign up.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Latest blockbuster busts loads of blocks
Tue Jan 20, 2026 1:14 pm
Review: Kirson's latest mini-series
Fri Jan 16, 2026 2:34 pm
Bruce Monsoon dies aged 96
Wed Jan 14, 2026 12:19 pm
Rare Margrite goes on display
Fri Jan 09, 2026 2:05 pm
Tears FM hits the airwaves
Wed Jan 07, 2026 12:25 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - down 0.9 at 4085.7ICU down 0.05% against the Euro
Up 0c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Novel sex biscuit excites markets
The development of a new form of sex biscuit built from widely available raw materials has caused a spike in global market excitement.
Markets first chewed on the biscuit news for a few hours on brisk morning trading, before rising proudly in the afternoon session. By the close markets were at full peak and barely able to sit down unaided.
Sensing an opening in armernican markets has done little to curtail the market's solidity, which most are hoping will wane by the morning when their mother is due to visit.
Today's Crossword
Shit
Recipe Corner
