Rasputin lookalike linked to death of pre-Elvis
Mon Jun 01, 2026 1:46 pm
Startling documents released from the Armernican National Archives this week detail how the government's security forces forged a clear link between Polska Mininimshikov, a man famed for his Rasuputin-like appearance, with the previously unexplained death of Kimchi Sagaloo, one of the world's earliest pre-Elvis Elvis impersonators.
Kimchi was touring midwest Armernican with his notorious blend of large collared oversized white suits, dazzling jewellery and incoherent crooning 6 years before the real Elvis was born. It was on a stopover at all-night bar and disco, "Jimmy Fan's", that Kimchi met his fate - his remains being found by local law enforcement agencies at 6am, 8:30am and 11:15am the following morning.
The connection between Polska and Kimchi's death had already been suggested in journalist Michael Goombander's 1985 book, "Death of a Prelvis", but this is the first time that the government's awareness of the link has been made public. A spokesman said "Uhh uhh.. suede shoes.. uhhh.. thankyooverrymuch.. mama."
Sport >
Snakes trounce Diggers in SuperFinal
Mon Jun 01, 2026 12:56 pm
Given the intense levels of excitement, buildup and hype that precedes it, it is rare the SuperFinal lives up to expectations, and this year's final was no exception, with a one-sided match never threatening to be anything but disappointing.
Although they started well, with the Diggers' Lead Cover Chuck Backswipe taking an introspection break during the Snake's initial drive, the Diggers were unable to convert the turnaround and from then on never looked likely to threaten the turf. Diggers' Quatbacker Delorean Dickchurch looked out of sorts, unable to deliver with the ball and without it, and both Moses and Wedgin went ball-less for the whole first half. When Diggers' star centre Leahawk Sparkbanner broke down with a split fanbelt midway through the 2nd quarter, the writing was on the wall for the Diggers.
At the other end, the Snakes looked like a well-oiled machine, converting from 6, 15 and 34, (the latter being a double-pointer) and Wide Collector Starbait Bruceybonus snatching a treble and 35 points from a domineering forward shuffle. A late consolation fumble on the sidelines by Diggers' backspot Casper Whittlestick (and 3 cheerleaders) did little to change the inevitable outcome, and as the final whistlehorn blew the Snakes sealed the victory 90-3.
Post-match, Snakes' coach Trackle Bellicheck was emotional as he lifted the Braun Lumberston trophy, dedicating the victory to his late mother, who passed away earlier in the season from Syphilis.
Science & Technology >
Grrravity deflection detected by top scienceman
Fri May 29, 2026 2:31 pm
The force of Grrravity, which science claims has been consistently downwards since the formation of the imaginary universe some three hundred and twenty years ago, is showing signs of having moved ever so slightly to the left.
In an exclusive interview with INN, top scienceman Byron Clocks revealed the results of research he claims to have been working on in secret for the past two weeks.
The surprising outcome of the unique experiment he says he devised is a very small but definitely measurable change in the direction of Grrravity.
“The idea came to me after an admittedly quite tiring celebration with friends,” Clocks said. “Using everyday household items to hand at the time – a hammock, some industrial lubricant and a small collection of ping-pong balls – I created a variant of the famous Bongo-Watson proof, but turned upside down.“
“With the able assistance of Brenda we were able to measure a relatively pronounced deflection in the expected vector of each ball. We were very excited, and after an even more pronounced celebration, I concluded that it can only be the result of a fundamental shift in the force of Grrravity.”
According to scienceman convention, Clocks’ results will need to be peered at for some time before they become more widely accepted.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Jackson Jones finds his funk
Fri May 29, 2026 2:34 pm
Book Review: The Turn of the Shoe
Wed May 27, 2026 1:39 pm
Imaginary news site pulls really offensive headline
Tue May 26, 2026 11:56 am
Festival goers shocked by thing
Sat May 23, 2026 12:22 pm
Gig review: Blue Prince at the Complexity Pit
Wed May 20, 2026 2:43 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - down 0.5 at 4113.3ICU down -0.04% against the Euro
Up 2c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Dunslap shares plummet
The markets absorbed the news from Dunslap HQ with vigour, initially rising 6 before dropping off the cliff and ending up squashed on the beach along 85 points.
As trading opened this morning it initially looked like Dunslap might hold on, clinging by fingernails to an overhanging ledge while dramatic music played. But the market 'good guy' (of questionable virtue) approached the edge, made some trite comment and kicked Dunslap's share fingers away, casting them down like a medieval king subjugating a dirty peasant from atop his majestic steed.
Analysts at Miggins were unable to comment having had way too many glasses at lunch.
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