Breaking News: Commerson becomes Prime Minister
Tue Feb 24, 2026 1:42 pm
Margaret Commerson, Member for North Bunswold, will be sworn in as the 668th Imaginary Prime Minister in a ceremony at the House of Cords later today.
Mrs. Commerson was declared the winner in a national vote of party members, with Commerson taking 68% compared to opponent Sir Herbert Double-Jamesons' 24%. A further 8% of the votes were 'spoilt' including the one submitted by Double-Jamesons himself.
Speaking at party headquarters, Mrs Commerson thanked "all those who have worked so hard for this victory. I will endeavour to serve everyone in this fine Imaginary country to the best of my ability" before rubbing her hands together and cackling maniacally. Defeated opponent Sir Double-Jamesons was too drunk to speak.
House of Cords CEO, Timmy Mansperson said "We're flattered to be hosting such an event. Its not often that a minor retail store in North Bunswold gets much attention so its great to be in the news. 50% off on all cords this weekend!".
Sport >
Coach fired after encouraging players to 'fight'
Mon Feb 23, 2026 2:52 pm
Coach Leonard Timpson was today removed from his role at the Acton Wasps after being found responsible for an on-field incident that resulted in the death of 19 players.
The match between the Wasps and local rivals the Stenthope Swingers had progressed normally, with the Swingers going in to the halftime break 6 points up. But during the half time prep talk Timpson reportedly told his players to "go out there and fight", and to "take it to the opposition like your life depended on it. Show no mercy!".
Neither team are known for their high levels of intelligence but the bloodbath that followed was still shocking to both spectators. The slaughter was eventually stopped by the arrival of a hotdog van which distracted the remaining Wasps players long enough for them to be rounded up and shot.
Timpson's trial for Incitement to Murder will commence at the County Magistrates Court on the 16th, tickets 4.50, drinks included.
Science & Technology >
Artifical intelligence reveals fake real intelligence
Tue Feb 24, 2026 1:42 pm
In a paper to be published in respected journal Nurture, scientists from the Minitopolis Institute of Technarrrbalollogistics suggest that their recent experiments into artificial intelligence have revealed that actual intelligence is most likely artificial.
The paper, by Professors James Stoner, Peter High, Timothy Crack and Sebastian Vettel, cites years of research which they claim proves that it is mathematically impossible to be intelligent ; it being unnatural, and therefore artificial, to be anything more than a semi-random collection of primordial chemical oozing, what with entropy and everything else.
Interviewed by the INN, Professor Stoner said "Hi!", Professor High said "Oh man", Professor Crack refused to comment and Sebastian Vettel was - unfortunately - too busy fine-tuning his front/rear wing balance and helping select the correct tyres for wet weather conditions.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Oven all the finds
Mon Feb 23, 2026 12:11 pm
Album Review: Benny Brucebar: Live at the Smokehouse
Fri Feb 20, 2026 2:17 pm
Performance artist Michel Pappinion's new show
Tue Feb 17, 2026 1:41 pm
IBTV scores a hit with new reality show
Sun Feb 15, 2026 2:16 pm
New cinema releases
Fri Feb 13, 2026 12:45 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - down 0.4 at 4127.1ICU down 0.03% against the Euro
Down 8c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Massive writedown for Billswang
Cornean electronics giant, Billswang, has announced a 45 billion yum writedown on its mobile division after it was found to be largely immobile.
The massive factory was due to be moved down-river at the end of the FY, but engineers found that foundations had become set, barely 6 months after construction and 3 months since inital output began. Billswang share prices dropped a shedload on the news, with analysts predicting a full arsebagging by the Cornean government when it meets again next month.
BIllswang CEO Yim Long Tungsten declined to offer his resignation but did suggest he might set fire to the factory late one night and claim the insurance money.
Billswang closed down 400, with the ITSY split up three-quarters.
Today's Crossword
Shitspout
Infinite Suduko
