Opposition blocks Wind bill
Tue Jun 16, 2026 12:26 pm
Government has been trying for some time to pass new legislation covering Gas, Wind and Solar power, and today opposition parties worked together to ensure the government failed to pass Wind, fillibagging procedures right up to lights out when MPs were forced to resign to their burrows.
The government has been trying to pass the wind bill since its earlier Gas Act was discovered to be the source of a range of environmental pollutants. Gas protesters complained that the previous legislation "would cause a great stink" and the government's new attempts to pass Wind haven't received a much better reception. Shadow spokesperson for the shadow environment, Michael Bunsenson expressed his distaste from the shadows - "This is really little more than a puerile exercise, very thinly disguised and really quite beneath even this government. After this long in office I think its reasonable to expect a little more from the ministry. We're also very much against Solar, given our position."
A government spokesperson was available for comment, but our reporter was in the pub.
Sport >
Bouncing tournament suspended
Tue Jun 16, 2026 2:25 pm
This year's international bouncing tournament, hosted in San Pellegrino, has been suspended indefinitely following a flurry of accusations of performance-enhancing drug-use, fraud and straight-forward cheating.
Controversy started after the opening weekend when Phalasian contender Bimlap Puchanki failed to return to the ground on his third bounce, requiring state officials to hook him with a big stick and pull him back down to earth. Number 1 seed, Josephy Bungabunga, of the Armenian team, suggested in off-the-record comments that Bimlap had 'swallowed a whole tank of helium' before the event, an accusation Bimlap subsequently denied in a squeaky voice.
Josephy himself was disqualified later in the week after documents were found indicating the team had been in talks with scientists claiming to have invented 'Anti-Gravity Technology'. After a brief search of the Armenian team's locker-rooms, a number of large springs were confiscated and Josephy was ejected from the tournament.
Confused match official Samuel Badsmorg stated "This is the last straw that broke the camel's basket" while hitting a camel, shortly before the tournament was formally suspended on mental-health grounds.
Science & Technology >
Solar Observation Satellite readies for launch
Fri Jun 12, 2026 1:25 pm
Imaginary scientists are completing final preparations in advance of the launch of the new Imaginary Solar Observation Platform (ISOP),the unique $6bn satellite that aims to stare at the sun for too long.
The launch on Tuesday (maybe Monday, if it doesn't take quite as long as they expect to get all the bits connected) ends a tumultuous genesis for the project, which was almost cancelled probably 15 or 16 times.
As Lead Project Scientist Arthur Leadscientistson explains, "When we first proposed the project to stare at the sun for too long, everyone said 'No! You shouldn't stare at the sun for too long'. But we persisted, we kept trying, we persevered, we carried on, we kept on going, we never gave up, we ploughed on, we stuck to our guns and we stood firm. I admit there's a fair chance they were right - certainly most of our hardware tests so far have backed up the theory that you shouldn't stare at the sun for too long - but its only through such dogged, intractable determination that expensive and inevitably fruitless projects like this can ever see the light of day."
Readers should take care never to stare at the sun for too long, and if they do, keep a bucket of water handy and use a card with some holes in it.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Channel 362 reveals new line-up
Mon Jun 15, 2026 2:02 pm
Christmas Fantastic album review
Thu Jun 11, 2026 1:51 pm
Product Review: 5 litre Elvis
Wed Jun 10, 2026 1:24 pm
Imaginary man rues interview opportunity
Mon Jun 08, 2026 2:33 pm
Review: Eczemas Bumper Humper
Thu Jun 04, 2026 1:41 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - up 0.5 at 4110.8ICU up -0.01% against the Euro
Up 1c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Flower market budding, daisy chains linked
LEAFDEX holdings are in rude health, with flowers budding faster than other stocks.
"The root cause appears to be perennial linking in the daisy chain," suggested Pansy McMulch at flower market analysts, Bloombank.
Spades of investment were announced recently at leading flowerist IntaSorry, with up to 100 new jobs being planted across the country, and significant fertilisation promised.
Tulips rose at the news; poppies ceded twice.
Today's Crossword
Arsebags
