Dangerous shrinking craze revealed to be 'No serious threat to society"
Fri May 29, 2026 12:15 pm
After a series of reports of dangerously shrunken hipster users causing fundamental damage to society, it has today been discovered that none of it was true.
Speaking to reporters outside Hipster Central, Head Hipster, Felatio Dynamison, confessed "the whole thing has been a great misunderstanding. Those hipsters we thought were tiny were actually just significantly further away, and this mistake was compounded by a series of rather simplistic photoshop jobs".
"We apologies to all those families affected", he claimed, though we have no evidence to believe anything he says anymore, especially without obviously photoshopped pictorial evidence.
Sport >
Latest scores from the Primary League
Sat May 30, 2026 2:44 pm
GOOAL! Its little boys a-go-go in this week's scores round-up, with all the wee fellas having a jolly old time putting the ball in the net.
- Title holders Billy Rovers went down to a surprise defeat 3-2 against the cheeky chappies from Burmingly, thanks to a last minute hoodie from the kids from the estate.
- Big Jeff helped the 'Town break a 1-1 deadlock with Jammy Vale just before closing, but a no-score draw was still the result from the Pickwick Ground.
- Roast Lamb shut out the City, losing 3-0 in extra time (pen) and the United had their laces untied and forfeited the second round of the cup to Non-league Albion.
- Both the Spurts and the Arsebaggers had a bye this week but both still managed to scrape through with 1-0 victories against each other respectively.
In the Northern Leagues, Fickle Jaspers managed to get away ball-less while the result from the Stride of Canrar still remains undetermined due to adverse weather conditions.
Science & Technology >
Grrravity deflection detected by top scienceman
Fri May 29, 2026 2:31 pm
The force of Grrravity, which science claims has been consistently downwards since the formation of the imaginary universe some three hundred and twenty years ago, is showing signs of having moved ever so slightly to the left.
In an exclusive interview with INN, top scienceman Byron Clocks revealed the results of research he claims to have been working on in secret for the past two weeks.
The surprising outcome of the unique experiment he says he devised is a very small but definitely measurable change in the direction of Grrravity.
“The idea came to me after an admittedly quite tiring celebration with friends,” Clocks said. “Using everyday household items to hand at the time – a hammock, some industrial lubricant and a small collection of ping-pong balls – I created a variant of the famous Bongo-Watson proof, but turned upside down.“
“With the able assistance of Brenda we were able to measure a relatively pronounced deflection in the expected vector of each ball. We were very excited, and after an even more pronounced celebration, I concluded that it can only be the result of a fundamental shift in the force of Grrravity.”
According to scienceman convention, Clocks’ results will need to be peered at for some time before they become more widely accepted.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Jackson Jones finds his funk
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Book Review: The Turn of the Shoe
Wed May 27, 2026 1:39 pm
Imaginary news site pulls really offensive headline
Tue May 26, 2026 11:56 am
Festival goers shocked by thing
Sat May 23, 2026 12:22 pm
Gig review: Blue Prince at the Complexity Pit
Wed May 20, 2026 2:43 pm
Markets >
ISE 100 - down 0.3 at 4154.4ICU down 0.02% against the Euro
Down 8c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
FairAir offers passengers opportunity to stand with their arms outstretched
FairAir's CEO has released plans to allow passengers to stand with their arms outstretched on all its short haul long flights starting next month.
The announcement came after much speculation on the next steps the popular airline would take to increase the level of unpleasantness for passengers. "It came after much blue sky thinking" said the CEO Patrick Padderson. "We were worried that it wouldn't fly well with Health and Safety lawyers, but after inquiries and investigations, it looks like the idea is air tight." he said. "If passengers can stand standing with their arms outstretched, the reduction in cost should sit well with them." he added.
We asked a regular customer what they thought about the announcement. "I don't mind standing with my arms outstretched, but I'm worried about the landing.", said Arabella Fonty. "What if it's rough? Will there be hand-rails and stuff? Maybe the floor and walls could be padded." she added, "Or maybe we could have seats, so we don't fall over."
We asked Mr. Padderson to comment, but he had gone to get a sandwich.
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