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Wed Jan 07, 2026 2:56 pm

Day 3 Close
Umbria (1st Innings): 35 all in the hole.
Imaginary: 0 for 0, no man down.

Those very few in the country who didn't follow today's play (on tv, radio or through our drink-by-drink commentary online) missed a spectacular day, with Imaginary fast-slow swing chucker, 'Brucie' Arson, breaking Test records by taking out all 8 remaining Umbrians with a skittle for just 35.

It was the lowest first innings total for Umbria since the infamous 1974 series versus South Arfenifrica, in which half of the Umbrian team had been secretly replaced by child labourers for tax purposes.

As play started, Arson, who has had a quiet series so far, did seem to have an extra bit of menace in his stride, and though his first few deliveries were wide past the hole and generally quite late, it didn't take him long to get his radar on. With the little radar dish wired up and spinning slowly in all directions he looked unplayable ; even Mahwannacup Bruhindi, who has looked unflustered throughout this series so far, was unable to offer a legal defense.

Chucks were swinging left, right, up and down and round and round, and once Arson began to make use of the skittle, Umbrian battersmen were dispatched swiftly ; each new battersman returning to the rabbit hole in quick succession with barely a moment's break to down a pint or two.

Umbria's rapid demise meant an extended between-innings Tea and Drinks was required, which took the teams almost to the close of play, Umbria's Juminda Boson only managing a handful of hairy deliveries, leaving Imaginary openers Bullson and Chives scoreless and unworried as they returned to the Players' Bar for an evening's rest and recuperation.