Breaking News: PM resigns
Fri Oct 18, 2024 7:54 am
At a press conference held this morning in the government's best office, the Imaginary Prime Minister has shocked the world by announcing her immediate resignation.
The surprise announcement comes in the wake of newspaper allegations that the PM was involved in controversial round-handing deals in the early 1990s.
A government spokesperson said that the standard processes for transition of power will now come into force and they are not expecting any hiccups. Speaking to our reporter off the record, the ruling Concatanive party chairman, Sir Withersby Bolton-Limeson, admitted that the move "came as a bit of a shock to the old girl, but she took it gracefully enough. I think she's happy just to get some time off to watch the SuperFinal, and no doubt will be banging about doing dodgy stuff with judges at the Holy Ground by morning".
A meeting of the government's 1812 back-bench committee will take place in the new year and it is expected a new prime minister will be in place by the end of January.
Sport >
SuperFinal Preview : Budlington Diggers
Fri Oct 18, 2024 7:55 am
The Diggers vs Snakes match-up in this year's SuperFinal, which takes place next week at the Holy Ground, could well be a classic..
After months of preparation and weeks of anticipation, Diggers' star centre Leahawk Sparkbanner believe his team has got what it takes to win the SuperFinal : "I believe we've got what it takes to win the SuperFinal", he said today, relaxing by the pool at his Bulberry Hill condo. "The Snakes are a good team, but I don't think they've got what it takes. I think we've got what it takes. What does it take? The stuff we've got. They ain't got that stuff, we've got it."
The Diggers have had an easy run-up to the SuperFinal - their final playoff round against the Seeingeye Moles was abandoned when the Moles team were arrested for possession with intent to supply - but its possible the extended rest-period will work against them. Diggers' Lead Cover, Chuck Backswipe is alert to the peril, noting that they've "been working extra hard this past couple of weeks to make sure we don't get rusty" while coach Rusty Couple has been drilling the players daily.
Budlington Diggers Team :
Offensive - Sparkbanner, Maulhouse, Barmstein, Brown, Dickchurch, Monroe, Johnson, Moses, Mookowski, Wedgin
Defenderers - Backswipe, Tarpenhaut, Wilson, Carlston
Science & Technology >
Scientists discover new method for arranging matter of fact
Thu Oct 17, 2024 7:38 am
Scientists at Canterbridge University have discovered a new method for arranging matter of facts using atomic manipulation techniques.
Using electron microscopiscy and harnessing quantum fluctuations, researchers were able to arrange matter of facts into thin layers of individual fact atoms or 'factoms', as they are known. This breakthrough research is likely to result in large numbers of excited media types going on about 'factoms' for some time in the future, in all likelihood leading to extensive research grants for Canterbridge University.
The bias of funding on unsubstantiated grounds and the complete lack of practical application for 'factoms' will inevitably lead to the shutdown of useful research in other departments at the university, a situation that was summarised by the Head of Factom Research in a little, joyous jig.
Professor Whoreson and his controversial columnist wife Julie Whoreson will be dining out on this coverage for the next few months.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Book Review: The Turn of the Shoe
Thu Oct 17, 2024 7:39 am
Imaginary news site pulls really offensive headline
Wed Oct 16, 2024 5:56 am
Festival goers shocked by thing
Sun Oct 13, 2024 6:22 am
Gig review: Blue Prince at the Complexity Pit
Thu Oct 10, 2024 8:43 am
Oven all the finds
Tue Oct 08, 2024 6:11 am
Markets >
ISE 100 - down 0.8 at 4128.1ICU down 0.05% against the Euro
Up 6c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Harbinger of Doom releases disappointing profit forecast
Retail giant Harbinger, based in the small West Cortlenish town of Doom, today released disappointing third quarter profit forecasts.
Harbinger CEO Philip Sadface issued a statement to accompany the forecast, but it was just a scrawl in black crayon. Analysts at Loose, White and Gagging suggested, "This kind of forecast from Harbinger is not exactly unexpected. Retail profits have been broadly murky-looking for the past few months and Cortleny in particular has been slow to recover from last year's repression".
Hidden within the figures there is brighter news, however, according to people familiar with the situation. These people are called Optimists and are always cheery while making contact lenses or spectacles. Harbinger was down 2.5% at the opening, but recovered to practically horizontal by the mid-afternoon tea and biscuits.
Today's Crossword
Fucksticks
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