Stupid country invades itself
Wed Nov 20, 2024 8:45 am
Reports of an escalating conflict between Shusshia and Ohshusshia have been validated, causing consternation in global political circles who have no policy to deal with national self-flagellation.
The Shusshia / Ohshusshia relationship has puzzled Imaginary politicians since it was revealed in a postcard sent to our offices just over two weeks ago.
According to our overseas correspondent, Jonny Foreigner, relations with the highly secretive Shusshian Conglomerate have been largely non-existent, as the country has remained isolated, with travel disallowed and international communications banned.
The postcard, therefore, was quite a surprise: it announced that the country had started a war amongst itself and had declared self-independence, forming the Oshusshian Defectorate enclave - which was now officially at War with Shusshia, Oshusshia and anything that resembled it.
A UN council meeting was rapidly convened in which all 173 participating members agreed to vote against themselves in order to abstain from a peaceful resolution.
Sport >
3rd test, Final Day
Wed Nov 20, 2024 6:02 am
Match Tied
Umbria (1st Innings): 35 all in the hole.
Imaginary (1st Innings): 83 all in the hole.
Umbria (2nd Innings): 974, declared legit.
Imaginary (2nd Innings): 926, 9 down, 5 in the hole.
An historic series that has thrilled fans and drinkers alike culminated in a truly astounding final day spectacle at the Durham Massala stadium in Umbria.
With Umbria needing just 7 more wickets to win, and the Imaginary team needing to batter out the day for the draw, Imaginary captain Tony Greggson and #5 Keeper-Wilson started the day stoically, defending everything in sight, with no suggestion of anything but a slow, solid decline to affect the course of play.
But when Keeper-Wilson was back in the hole after fingering a loose tiddler from Boomtacki, and Greggson being joined in the middle by Debutant Dimson, Greggson seemed to switch into another gear completely. Stretching out his arms and winding up his clock, Greggson began flailing the Umbrian chuckers to all 5 corners of the park. Never before, and probably never again, has a test match witnessed such rapid, destructive battering.
Greggson continued relentlessly, powering straight through lunch (Lamb Biryani, Shiraz) and deep into the afternoon session, even at one point refusing to partake in the mid session single malt whiskey (which triggered consternation and objections in the Umbrian coaching house, but which was ruled legal by the third umpire after review), while the Imaginary score ticked rapidly up past 400... 500... six..
At the other end, Greggson slowly lost partners through the day as Dimson succumbed to a Mandarath giggly, Jamal Jackson picked up an infection from Boomtacki, Johnsonson - after a spirited defense - putting one in the deep cover bucket off Poontang. Then, with an hour's play remaining and Umbria still with a lead of 180, Michael Sonson got a top edge to fly out large to Banapaddi in the deep wide distance and it seemed the end was near.
But Greggson fought on and #10 'Brucie' Arson began to put up a wall, which was almost complete by the time of the last over, Umbria still 30 ahead. Greggson drove once, twice, three times a lady and on the very last ball a massive sixer all the way over the backstands triggered eruptions of pure joy all around the ground, from both Umbrian and Imaginary fans alike. Not only the first ever tied test match but done in such spectacular fashion. Those at the ground will remember this day for the rest of their lives, tell their children and their grandchildren about it, books will be written, films made.
Everyone in the world will live happily ever after.
Science & Technology >
Inverse telescope views own destruction ahead of launch
Wed Nov 20, 2024 8:42 am
Three years ago, Imaginary Space Agency scientists began work on a new 'Inverse' telescope designed to peer forward through space and time. Now, 6 months ahead of its launch, the telescope has revealed its own inevitable failure.
Over the past decades the Imaginary Space Agency has launched a number of telescopes that look back to the origins of the universe because of Science. Unlike those that detect primordial light in the deep infra-red zx spectrum, the new 'Jackie Neilson Telescope' uses green light and microwaves and stuff to look The Other Way.
Scans during pre-launch testing confirmed the telescope will be successfully launched into space on board the ISA's massive Boner-IV rocket, but will be placed into an incorrect orbit that will lead to its demise shortly after launch when it inadvertently intercepts the sun.
"Not much we can do about it but carry on regardless." said head of the project, Matt Mattson, rather despondently.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Bruce Monsoon dies aged 96
Wed Nov 20, 2024 6:19 am
Rare Margrite goes on display
Fri Nov 15, 2024 8:05 am
Tears FM hits the airwaves
Wed Nov 13, 2024 6:25 am
Concert performance cancelled after accidents
Fri Nov 08, 2024 6:34 am
Floral response presentation
Wed Nov 06, 2024 7:07 am
Markets >
ISE 100 - up 0.7 at 4080ICU up 0.06% against the Euro
Down 10c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Parchant market turns
Parchants are up 4, anything, down 4 the shizzle, down with, the kids, up for a kickabout on the green or street corner.
Parchant futures are still some way off, nothing to worry about, Parchant pasts predictable. Parchants in period drama, heavily corseted and wide-mouthed, gloriously scented herb garden. (Well, I would). Sci-fi Parchants chrome-clad, not spot-on, gritty future-urban tales of dirt and destruction not much better off, its the little things that count and no-one knows.
Parchants are 4 across, slack spaced and easy, 3 down, 8 letters, 8 armed aquapod with multiple brains (Sup.).
Kenchu Viamactory from HK-BS called this "Splendid, absolutely splendid" shouting down from the 3rd floor office window refusing to come down and holding 6 children and a cleaning lady hostage, waiting to be extradited.
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Arsechops
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