Refuse Collection blocked by syntactic error
Wed Nov 06, 2024 8:10 am
A minor crisis has been overflowing on to the streets of the small Armernican town of Jetsam, after workers in the town's Refuse Collection department failed to parse their department's name correctly and began denying all requests outright.
Irate citizens with bins full to the brim (and beyond) are greeted by a large "No" when visiting the department's website, and phone-calls to their customer service department are redirected to an automated message declaring "Whatever it is you want, we're not having any of it, go away".
After some effort we managed to track down the department's head honcho, Zak Honcho, but he was too busy to speak to us - as, in a predictably unsurprising twist to the story, he was changing all the fuses in all the plugs in his house.
Sport >
Bouncing tournament suspended
Tue Nov 05, 2024 8:25 am
This year's international bouncing tournament, hosted in San Pellegrino, has been suspended indefinitely following a flurry of accusations of performance-enhancing drug-use, fraud and straight-forward cheating.
Controversy started after the opening weekend when Phalasian contender Bimlap Puchanki failed to return to the ground on his third bounce, requiring state officials to hook him with a big stick and pull him back down to earth. Number 1 seed, Josephy Bungabunga, of the Armenian team, suggested in off-the-record comments that Bimlap had 'swallowed a whole tank of helium' before the event, an accusation Bimlap subsequently denied in a squeaky voice.
Josephy himself was disqualified later in the week after documents were found indicating the team had been in talks with scientists claiming to have invented 'Anti-Gravity Technology'. After a brief search of the Armenian team's locker-rooms, a number of large springs were confiscated and Josephy was ejected from the tournament.
Confused match official Samuel Badsmorg stated "This is the last straw that broke the camel's basket" while hitting a camel, shortly before the tournament was formally suspended on mental-health grounds.
Science & Technology >
New DNA evidence reveals early human behaviour
Wed Nov 06, 2024 6:14 am
Evidence unearthed from cave samples dating back to the dawn of human civilization - somewhere between 17 months and 35 squillion years ago according to inaccurate carbon-dating techniques - has revealed high levels of silliness in primitive human cultures
Amongst gnarled mammoth bones, flinty spear heads and the remains of primitive wooden structures, archaeologists discovered evidence of large swathes of daftness, with groups of pre-sapien hominids - possibly a family or small tribe - showing many traits that would be familiar to groups of silly people living today.
Chief Archaeologist, and captain of the under 15s volleyball team, Tim Limdimson-Haggenberry, suggested the new research could shed new light on many previously unexplained findings, primarily in the sense of them being silly.
Unrelated stories:
Arts & Entertainment >
Floral response presentation
Wed Nov 06, 2024 7:07 am
Channel 362 reveals new line-up
Mon Nov 04, 2024 8:02 am
Christmas Fantastic album review
Thu Oct 31, 2024 7:51 am
Product Review: 5 litre Elvis
Wed Oct 30, 2024 7:24 am
Imaginary man rues interview opportunity
Mon Oct 28, 2024 8:33 am
Markets >
ISE 100 - down 0.5 at 4065.3ICU down 0.02% against the Euro
Down 3c against the PD
We occasionally potter about in the garden.
Business wire >
Chopajonian cuisine outpaces rivals, says Survey
Most Imaginary citizens prefer Chopajonian take-aways to Armenifrican, Simerian or Notarsican cuisine - according to a recent survey by Survey, the company that does surveys of various things.
In a poll of 4.3 million Imaginary people, Chopajonian food was rated "great" or "really great" by 4.29999 million respondents.
Armenifrican food was "a bit too fast" for 39% of people, while Simerian food was "a bit too cold" and Notarsican delicacies featured "too much Double Penguin".
According to pundits, the CRISPYDAQ is likely to have risen to number 33, number 38 and number 76 (twice) as a result of the announcement, except it wasn't open because it was a Tuesday.
Today's Crossword
Fucksticks
Recipe Corner
