Imaginary News Network : For when the real news is just too awful to contemplate New Stories Daily

So-called 'Super' Man defeated by obvious flaw in plan

ImageA so-called 'Super' man, who claimed to be able to travel faster than a speeding bullet, tonight shot himself in the face.

In the incident, which police and observers have described as "Very Stupid", an erotically charged and peculiarly clad young gentleman of the Super persuasion was observed mixing metaphors at a speed exceeding that of cheetahs, high-speed trains, sound and bullets (although not light).

Speaking after the event bystander Johnny Bystanderson pondered ".. how come I'm always seeing these kind of things happen but, as much as I try, I never seem to be directly involved". Our reporter was rapidly on the scene, taking account of all the goings on, before heading off to the pub.


Sport >

E-sports gains record audience

Image'E-sports' - the quasi-olympic-style series of sporting events in which all the participating athletes are off their faces - achieved record viewing figures for its biannual international event this weekend.

Leading E-sporter, Sean Ryderson, off his face on Es and whizz, entertained the crowd in the triathlon by falling 10k short of the distance in the 10k run. He then stole a bike from fellow competitor, Ben Jenson, got nowhere, and finished the swimming portion of the event by drowning.

Over 16 billion Imaginary viewers tuned in to see Frussian E-gymnast, Natasha Pimpinlikitov, stand in the middle of the floor repeating a subtle, little OCD hand movement for 5 hours, grinning like a Cheshire Cat and muttering subversively ; having a genuinely great time until her particular cocktail began to wear off, when she got a little paranoid and dashed out of the stadium to hide in a corner.

Science & Technology >

Special Report: Notarsica glacier "dangerously translucent", say naturists

ImageThe polar regions of our world tend largely to be ignored, although of course the northernmost continent, Arsica, does host the annual Extreme Fire-Starting Games and attracts some attention from minor TV channels as a result.

Our southernmost content, Notarsica, is not so blessed. Famed for the beauty and translucency of its primary glacier, Mint, opinons of the health of the Notarsican environment are hotly disputed by a small and mostly naked group of activists.

We took a helichopper to speak with leading naturist Merry Eagerson on her ship, the Tempting Wobble. Eagerson is trying to raise awareness of the plight of the region - and especially, to what she sees (or perhaps doesn't) as a dangerous increase in the translucency of the glacier Mint.

"It's all well and good being pretty, but if you're out in the middle of nowhere and nobody can see you, what's the bloody point?" said Eagerson, naked as a babe and downing a shot. "And the animals, the animals, they are in a terrible state. How are you supposed to get any if you can't see the bloody ground?" she said, downing another. "The powers that be, well they aren't any help at all. They just deny it," she added, holding onto a rail.

Troubador Denali, President of Armenifrica, is thought to be one such denier, but said "no I'm not" in a recent statement.

Notarsican wildlife includes the unusually-formed Double Penguin and its dim-witted vegetarian predator, the Molar Bear. Arsica and Notarsica were famously discovered by the multi-national Aweedram and Scotchson team. Sponsored by the mighty Double-Jamesons empire, they attempted to reach both poles in the same month using alcohol to stave off the cold. The team was never seen again after sending its final, haunting telegram: "we may be well gone for some time".

Several of the team's whiskey caches have been discovered, however, and this valuable resource sustains ongoing survey projects. Naturists continue to monitor the Notarsican glacier, although as Eagerson says, "We're well stocked, for sure, but when it comes to the science of this translucency problem, we're never entirely sure if it's getting worse, or we're looking in the wrong direction, or if the thing has disappeared altogether and we're just wasting our time."


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Arts & Entertainment >

Review: Eczemas Bumper Humper
Salmon streaming
Jackson Jones finds his funk
Book Review: The Turn of the Shoe
Imaginary news site pulls really offensive headline

Markets >

ISE 100 - up 0.6 at 4105.6
ICU up 0.08% against the Euro
Down 7c against the PD

We occasionally potter about in the garden.

Business wire >

Muchswap bigger wang down

ImageMuchswap bigger wang's CIAO, Italian boss, Goodbye Seeyalater, CIAO, suggests a downfaced lookout for the company is related to recent suggestive movements in the parking area.

Largely influential, up 16 this week but down overall, Muchswap was boosted in past-terms up to the third quarter reports, but has bolted now the full releases have been declared.

Analysts at corporate brokers, HK-BS, obviously have absolutely no idea what any of it means but will cover it up with a detailed and intelligent sounding statement in order to justify their increasingly ridiculous wages.


Today's Crossword

Fuckbiscuit


Recipe Corner


Grilled BBQ Flatburgers

Put 5kg of chopped mince into a large bowl and beat mercilessly for hours. Once the mince has been thoroughly defeated, add to a large vat of acid and skim off any residue. Drain, then shape the mince into patties using the power of your mind. Grill on a hidden BBQ for 4 days each side or until the neighbours complain.